The wait is over.
Things get more difficult... but it's all for the better.

I so do not enjoy being sick... not that anyone would... but... wow, has this been a bad one. And to think I've been crazy enough to work through it... "crazy" is the word for it. This is the first day in over a week where I didn't come home from work and jump straight into bed and hack my brains out for several hours... but I'm still going to go to bed, now... because it's much warmer and comfier there than sitting here in front of this thing.

Bleh.
BLEH...

I

There are those that say that I should be angry... in fact, there are a lot of those... not that I've sat and talked to a lot of people about it... I haven't... but many people seem to know the story. Many have a similar story that they can tell without having to expose mine... and save two people, no one has heard the real story from my lips... but their natural reaction is anger... and I guess I can understand that... from them... but that's not how I feel about it. Nothing hurts quite like losing something that matters... you may not have always handled it in the best way, but you know what it meant to you to be a part of. You can't always see over the walls, but you know the things you did mattered... every little thing. Every breath in their presence was a breath of life you couldn't know without them.

Am I hurt? Who wouldn't be? Am I angry? As much as others would try to persuade me that it's the right way to feel... I'm not. I know what it was like to beat a pretty intense demon with their help... albeit too late to have made things more proper between us... but... I owe them better of me than to ever be angry about things. I was lucky... luckier than most could ever be. Whatever their reasons for feeling the way they feel about me now... so be it, I suppose. Perhaps I'll have to live with never knowing...

There are things inside you that no one wants to face... things that you keep secret... even from yourself... but secrets are funny... the things that you try to hide always turn out to be the things that you can't forget.

In the effort to be a bit more avoidant of the upcoming decisions that are to be made, I've opened myself up to... even more decisions... well, the decision to leave town or not is something that doesn't really come into play for a couple more weeks... so that's easy enough to put on the back burner for sanity's sake... but when I decided on the house I wanted, another house came up... a really nice little house... not that the house I want isn't nice - it so is - but this is the house of a friend... that's laid out very cool... and that I can get for cheap, compared to what he would be asking "on the market." It's in another great neighborhood... I know a lot of the neighbors, already... finished attic, finished basement... attic makes for good office space and the basement makes a good studio space (I'm really growing weary of having nine guitars and five (soon to be six) computers in my front room)... really nice floors... jacuzzi ("When I was little an' we wanted jacuzzi we had ta fart in da tub!"). It's not my old neighborhood, but it's just across the woods in one of the other neighborhoods I used to haunt, growing up... It just throws another "then" into the whole "if/then" thing I'm facing. I already think I know where I'm heading on the big decision I have to make in a few weeks... as nice as it could be, it's a little late in the game to uproot all over, again, and while he's a great guy and a great guy to work with and for, I think we can still do what we're doing in the timeline of our choosing and not get obstructed by a different kind of work relationship... and it would probably totally kill the chance to make something right, and as fleeting as it may be, it's still something important... but then again, I could wake up and just say fuck it and leave... wouldn't be the worst thing. No... the worst things are the things unsaid, the things undone, the "what-ifs" and all that's left behind... so no, it wouldn't be the worst thing.

Peanut butter may be the most awesome food. Ever.

In other news... I miss you.

:\

I think about the time we've lost
I think about the time
the silence could be words
And now the only sound I hear
is my guilty conscience
screaming out your name

So go and leave me with my last regret
Let me feel the way you left me dead
Too blind to see you stole my honesty
So go and leave me with my last regret
Let me feel the way you left me dead
Steal away my thoughts of honesty...

A good night off... almost enough rest... almost enough decent playing... almost enough effort on some movie cues... a couple good phone calls... some more advice on decisions... or lack thereof, at this point. I mean, I have some time... and I want to do the right thing... but... neither is really "wrong." One is just safer, I guess.

It's funny how all my life I've had an intrinsic connection to music... growing up with my family, it was easy to see why it was. As I got older, the feelings music brought me only intensified, to the point it is, now... I feel music, I dream music, and I can live music, as well...

It's like the touching of skin...

Wow...

What a decision I have to make... I've talked to two rather important people about it, so far... do I stick around and take the open (yet again... after one... count it... one night) job, buy the house I want and live quietly... or chuck it all and leave to work with a great guy I would not only consider a friend but one of my true heroes? One would think the answer would be really simple - get the fuck out... right? But, it's just never that simple. If I leave... how long can I count on working with him? Ten years? Ten months? The latter, while ten months of heaven, leads of course to the question, "Then what?" And if I stay, and not take a chance that ten years ago I wouldn't have hesitated for a second to take... do I want to settle for the mediocrity that comes with anything around this area?

Ugh... just... ugh.

I really need to play, this morning... but too much to do tonight... sadly, I need to sleep... Okay, not "sadly," so much... I loves me some sleep... but with work, it doesn't leave time for much in between... but... I really need to play, this morning. Well... hmm... it's only 10:00... maybe I can sneak in an hour or two... and sleep for an hour or two less. I need to do some more arranging on the movie cues, too... but I really need to see some more of it to get a better feel of where I'm heading with some of it... I know what's going on, but you can't really put the cues together without something to actually cue them... eh... maybe I'll have some more scenery in my box later on... they know I'm waiting for it, anyway.

Yeah, fuck it... I'll play guitar for an hour or so and see if I can get that which is within... without? lol

Yeah.

And another great one... I could probably put up twenty or so "great ones..." but EMI doesn't like granting embedding clearance very much... bitches.

Despite what it may sound like, this song is about a city in east London, Canary Wharf... it was supposed to have been a major business section, but economics took care of that. It was adorned with all kinds of artificial foliage... It reminds me so much of Jeff Buckley when I hear it... I figure he had to have an influence, somewhere.

One of their best, for sure... and proof of the power of interpretation.

You're 100% correct...

What I do... who I do it with... why I do it... who I give a shit about... who I don't give a shit about... none of your concern. I'm not meaning that to come across as harshly as it sounds... let me explain. I told you before, when you or your friends come on here, you'll read shit you don't want to read... and furthermore, sometimes you'll read into shit things that aren't there. This is not a place for you, right now... Look, I'm truly sorry you're in the situation you're in. It's very saddening to know that you've tolerated what you have for so long. I hope it works out for you in the best possible way, very quickly... I honestly do... but I have nothing whatsoever to do with it. I didn't put you there... and I'm not going to get you out of there. If I had been a better person twenty-five years ago, maybe things would be a lot different... but I wasn't... I was an asshole. I've only recently really figured out who I am... and it wasn't easy... and I don't like a lot of the things that I've seen myself capable of, over the years... I've wished people dead and sat back and watched it happen... in hindsight, that's a pretty horrible thing (no shit, huh?), but at the time, it was who I was... well, not so much really "who I was" but "where I was..." time moved on, some things changed and some things never changed... it took someone ripping my insides out and making me wish I, myself, was dead instead to come to see where I am... and who I am... and I'm going to talk about it all, here... and I'm going to talk about them... and I'm going to put it all to music and words and imagery on here... and I'm going to talk about wishing I could turn back the clock just a matter of a few minutes and do just one little thing differently so that maybe I wouldn't have to have lived the past couple years of complete and utter Hell that it can sometimes be just to take a breath... and I'm going to talk about the people that make me not want to sit around and hate myself for watching it happen... and I'm going to talk about wanting to spend more time around them so that I will dislike myself less and start caring about the person that I know that I am and feel like I'm not crazy... that it is okay for me to care so much about someone that obviously cares a lot about me, but was afraid to drop their guard and show it... but what you need to understand is that you shouldn't be a part of that... because all it ever does is cause more problems... and you have a big enough problem to deal with, right now. I'm sorry. I just don't want you making me into another problem for you. So please, do yourself a favor and stay away from here. It will make things much more pleasant between us rather than the goofy roller coaster you can turn it into by thinking things that you shouldn't.

grr

I guess I need to clarify something for the watchers of this thing (edit: I've addressed them about doing this before privately, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in as well as I thought)... because I don't like getting crazy-assed messages about it... The person I've been wanting to spend time with is just a friend... JUST A FRIEND. Apparently, a guy can't care about a girl without having designs on banging them, or something. I've known them for a long time... and they're one of the better "people" I've probably ever known in my life. I like hanging out with them... I always have... I always will. There isn't some ulterior motive in them being my friend. Blah blah blah, you're wrong for making such stupid assumptions... stupid... and it's irritating to be accused as such... just because you read too much into something... bah, what the heck do you care, anyway?

That being said, I'm not saying that if the opportunity came along for it to be something beyond the pretty righteous friendship it is, I would just immediately, outright say no... I mean, she is what people would call "a catch..." but that's not what's going on... that's not my intention... at all. Besides, I still carry a pretty nasty wound that I never was given a proper chance to unburden myself of that still affects pretty much every breath I've taken since then... but I'm sure in the end, that's all my fault, too. I have my moments where it doesn't sting so much... like when I'm hanging around or talking to good people like the aforementioned... I mean yeah, they were apparently too afraid to face the truth... lots of people don't have the strength to confront something that might slap everything they've been accustomed to for a long time square in the face... but they wanted something single-dimensional and something that was expected of them and something they were used to over something... well... awesome and real... but they're not paying any price for it, just me. Getting past that has been an extremely long and still a bit incomplete process, thus far (some of the more recent music in the last several months, including the recent collaborations have helped me at least take it out of my head and put it into something tangible that people (including myself) might better be able to get a grasp on)... and I'm not about to bring anyone else in on a mess that someone else helped make but wasn't honest enough with themselves to help clean up.

But anyhow... I would encourage those of you that don't want to hear the truth about what goes on in my head not to come here and read it... and if you do, do yourself a favor and don't infer things that aren't there. I think you can figure out by now that if I have something to say, I'm just going to say it...

The house is gonna set me back $93K... I wish I could have gotten a hold of the estate before they decided to list it, because the people at Century21 sure like to gouge, when they can... still... it's a decent deal in an awesome neighborhood. I'm going to look at a couple more houses I've had my eyes on before I finalize everything, though... There's actually two houses right by Ragu that are, though a little smaller, rather tempting.

Yesterday was pretty freakin' awesome... a lot of fun... good people... good free food (although, my stomach seems to feel as if it could rebel at any moment)... good show... was disappointed with Ten Years... I'm not really a huge fan of theirs, but still... I expected a better show out of them. The other bands were decent, but I'd never heard of them, so I'm guessing maybe they were local-ish... anyhow... good times.

HDMS officially begins today in Atlanta... and I'm really looking forward to that, a lot. I hope it all goes good for all involved. He's been through a lot and he's come out on the other side a much better man... and now comes another chance to tell the story.

I would have liked to have offered someone to go along with me. It would have been neat... but again, like before, I understand priorities... and I understand that my wants and wishes don't play a role in that, at all... still, woulda been fun. I mean, who doesn't want to go see a free show and rub elbows with freakin' "rockstars?" lol But... yeah, I didn't even offer, because I know that something like that on a Sunday night is rough when you have to deal with a Monday morning... but as I've stated before, should she desire to have time to hang out, I'd do what I could to make it happen.

(Sunday's gonna be another blast...)



How did you lose yourself
and all you love?
Give me twenty-four hours and
I'll see you in Hell
What's done is done
When the demons meet the skeletons
the world turns red
and it won't be long
before the end starts drawing near
and I'm on my own.

This day was long enough
to fit a lifetime in
The sun's down and I give up
This world is wrong enough
to watch a nightmare live
And I hope there's tomorrow...

You really light up when I'm down
I calm myself
so I don't scream
and really hit you home
I realize I've been a little insane
but I'm not alone.

This day was long enough
to fit a lifetime in
The sun's down and I give up
This world is wrong enough
to watch a nightmare live
And I hope there's tomorrow...

Some bridge you've burned
Time moves oh so slow
Sinner simply fills his hole
That sinner becomes my only hope...

This day was long enough
to fit a lifetime in
The sun's down and I give up
This world is wrong enough
to watch a nightmare live
And I hope there's tomorrow...

Played for a couple hours this morning... I'm liking this tuning more and more... it's a little tricky to get used to playing a lead, maybe, but it's kinda neat... learned the two songs I picked and worked on one of the new songs being thrown around... I could add something to it, I think, but I'll let him let me know... lol Sunday should be fun.

So much for sticking to my guns... lol

Well, I like Aaron... I'm going to miss him... again... when he left before, it sucked... and now he's gonna leave, again... but I'ma help him as much as I can before he goes... he's a good guy to me.

Work sucked... nothing new... too much shit, not enough people... nothing new... people get freaked out and panicky... nothing new... I stay over to help everyone... nothing new...

After the last bit of skullduggery, I just don't feel the need to try to make everyone else look good, anymore. It's not a selfish thought... it's a practical thought. All I've been doing for the last few months is staying over for hours at a time to help everyone out... I'm not doing it for me... yeah, racking up the OT isn't a horrible thing, but that wasn't why I was doing it. It was for "the greater good" of the whole... but all everyone else cares about there are themselves and who they can stir shit up with and cause trouble with and get in their business and all that... so fuck that place... I'm working and I'm leaving... and leaving all the bullshit at the clock.

I deserved that job... but got totally ripped up the back because people are petty and want to bring problems to others so that their problems don't have to suffer alone... the new boss is in for a treat, I guarantee it.

Damn... for whatever reason, I really wish someone would come home this weekend... I understand why she can't... commitment and responsibility and all that... and that's fine... it doesn't have anything to do with me... or "not me," for that matter, if you know what I'm saying... but hanging out the other night... such an unusual but totally welcoming feeling... sanity... and just positive things... wasn't concerned with anything but that moment, right then... sanity, y'know? I understand that she won't be around this weekend to maybe see and hang out and talk about a hundred different things and be intrigued and interested and listen and learn and all that... and laugh and just have the good time we always seem to have when we hang out. Freakin' sanity, man... but it's cool. I wouldn't dare be selfish or bummed or anything like that. She's got things she needs to do if she's going to get to where she wants to be and she needs to make the time to do it right. There will be opportunities if she wants. I'll certainly make the time.

A day of pretty much absolute-zero productivity, yesterday... slept... C called to check on next weekend (although I guess I got something "done," there, because he pointed out who did a song that I've had stuck in my head from work for the last couple weeks - one of his brother's old bands, go figure - lol - now I can get the song out of my head)... slept some more... watched a tiny bit of tv... got worked up over the situation at work a little - let it go, quickly, though... I mean, it's out of my control. If they wanna screw ya, they're gonna screw ya, plain and simple... whether you're at fault for anything or not... if that's how they want it, you're not going to get much say in the matter. It was kinda weird to get grilled about a sketchy co-worker by management, the other night... apparently, there's a bit of a problem with them... and they're actually, finally getting around to noticing... and this is the same co-worker that totally sabotaged my bid at moving on... because they're an insane, petty and vindictive crybaby... if I had done something to them, I could understand it - but this was just drama for the sake of drama. As I've noted on here before, I pretty much stay away from everyone except for my closest friends, there... because it's not worth it to get caught up in the bullshit that goes on among some of the people... they always have to start trouble, because they love to see the drama... if there's no drama, apparently there's nothing good about being there... which, well, that was part of the issue that I was being asked about the other night at work... not regarding me, or anything, though I came really close to bringing up the fact that they were spreading rather malicious shit about me that was not remotely true... but from what it sounded like, they're dealing with the same kind of shit between them and a few other people... so while I feel the desire to clear my name over the issue, now's probably not the best time, because they seem to be aware of it, albeit from another angle. Perhaps when everything comes to light, they'll take a look at my situation and say, "Y'know, we fucked up, there... we had no reason to believe what they said, as crazy as it sounded in the first place, but we did... and we shouldn't have..." Yeah, right, I'll hold my breath. Actually, I'll just wait until a more appropriate time, maybe after the mess has been sorted out with the others, to bring up the stupidity of my personal situation... Yeah, it cost me pretty big time, and I should probably be really pissed about it... but why bother, right now, y'know? They fucked me, they know they fucked me, and if I go making waves about it, they'll fuck me again... because they're not about to act like they made a mistake... ever.

Anyhow, yeah... didn't play at all... I told myself I would play an hour or two, just to get these weird tunings I've been working with under wraps. I looked at the guitars... I thought about the tunings and the music in my head... but I didn't ever get around to actually playing them... which isn't the worst thing in the world, really. I'll make the time before Sunday. And hopefully round two of the clinics will go as smoothly as round one... and I'll get to hang with the goofy fellas and see a free show again, too.

I was hoping to possibly get to spend a little more time with someone this weekend... but it turns out they're not coming home... which... I can dig it... she's got priorities and responsibility (which is far more than I can say for most of our mutual acquaintances - not to mention a member or two of our respective families)... it would have been nice, because the time we spend is always time well spent... in my mind, anyway (and I would guess hers to some degree, too, or else we probably wouldn't have ever spent all those times hanging out, before)... but when you're getting a Masters degree, you should probably devote as much time to that process as possible - it's a pretty big deal... and I'm SURE it's a huge deal for her... so far be it from little ol' me to even think about interfering in something like that. There will be time, should she so choose... hopefully, when she has the time, she will so choose. :)

Ugh... I need to buy that freakin' house and get that mess all over with, too. No escrow, no big wait... just do it... and be done with it... and be happy (again) back in the old neighborhood.

Hmm... wow... what a nice night.

I mean, I was expecting everything to go nicely and stuff... but... it was really cool... Okay... I've known her for a long time... like, a really long time... and we've always been able to talk about absolutely anything... and we usually do. Tonight was no exception, either... but, there was this new thing about her... I don't know... like... "swagger," or something (to use a term that is poorly and far over/misused in today's vernacular). She was always smart (well, she is the only person I know... the ONLY person... from that part of this area that wasn't consumed with getting high and being a general loser), a little shy-ish acting, totally cute, really funny... a good person, all around... but this version... there's still a tiny little hint of that shyness, there (but I don't mean "wallflower" shy, or anything, I'm talking more like "careful who she opens up to" and such)... but it's become a bit more obvious that she's, like, really smart. She's really good at what she does... or what she's learning to do... or whatever. She hasn't aged a day... not a freakin' day... it's crazy... just... gorgeous. And there's this new thing... like, confidence, about her... I wouldn't exactly describe it as confidence nor remote cockiness, but just a sense of a very assured person, heading in a direction that she wants to head, doing the things that she needs to do to get there... Of course, we talked about a hundred different things, like we always do, and everything was really interesting and despite only having had a couple hours of sleep, today, my attention was riveted... 'cause it was all just so interesting. What she's doing for a living is so cool... and it takes a ton of patience, a lot of skill and a lot of fortitude just to even want to take on something that can be... well, incredibly challenging. I know I couldn't do it... as much as I would want to do something like that, I couldn't do it.

It was a great time... I knew it would be. Of course I did. lol Okay, so I didn't play as nervous as I might have been in the first five minutes... I had no reason to be, as would soon become well apparent. Even if I hadn't spent a lot of time with her in the last several years, we still knew a lot more about each other than a lot, if not most other people... I figured we might sit and talk for an hour or so... four hours later, it felt like there was still tons to talk about... but it was always that way. We could sit in the driveway until all hours of the night and just talk about anything that was on our minds and it never got old... ever. Worth every second. It was silly to even be remotely nervous about seeing her again after all this time... we're the same, great people we always were - lol - in some ways, even better... just maybe with a couple grey hairs, now... it was a really great time. I assure you.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

Someone I think is a really great person is coming into town tomorrow. I hope I can work it out where I can see her for a little while. I haven't seen her in a long time... the last time I had a chance to hang out with her, her uncle and I were still very, very close. Her uncle kinda weirded out on the pills and it became increasingly more difficult to hang out with him. I tried, because I wanted to make some good music with... but every time I tried to make it happen, there was always something else of more importance - the ever-maddening quest for pain pills. It became a bit futile to even address the possibility of doing music with him, anymore, because all everyone cared about was getting high... THEN maybe trying to play music, which really is stonewalled when you're under the influence of opium derivatives. The waning of that relationship kind of curtailed my opportunities to hang out with her... and honestly, that sucked... because, as I said, I really like her.

Anyhow, my mom's coming in town for a few days tomorrow, too... but it shouldn't be an issue to hang out with Ma on any other day, y'know? I want to see my friend. I think the last time I saw her was the morning I arrived back in town after moving back from Colorado. I've missed her... probably more than she knows, but that's not important. I need to do what I can to work it out so we can get together, somewhere. Doesn't matter where, doesn't matter what we do... I just want to see her...

Randy Quaid thinks that a hit squad killed Heath Ledger, Chris Penn and David Carradine, among others... and are now gunning for him (no pun intended). Despite a release order, he and his wife are currently still being held in Vancouver (where the couple fled, hoping to start a new life).

Poor guy... I guess his wife projected all of her odd paranoia onto him, resulting in what could possibly be defined as a case of folie à deux (shared psychosis).

No one really knows much, other than a strange string of rent-skipping and squatting in the guest house of a home formerly owned by him, but... well, I hope everything works out and he can get some help.

Didn't you hurt yourself?
Couldn't you wash the blood away?
Didn't you love yourself?

Couldn't you see the truth?
Didn't you wake to see the light?
Couldn't you hear the truth?

God, you're so shameless
Stand up to me, I know what you'll say.
God, you're so shameless
Why don't you wake up and stop all the pain?

How could you really know
as your blood flows,
the damage left inside?
If you should ever see
the pain in me,
you'd wish it away.

Didn't you hurt yourself?
Yeah
Didn't you love yourself?

Couldn't you find yourself?
Such a shame it's a waste of life
Couldn't you save yourself?

God, you're so shameless
Why don't you wake up and stop all the pain?

How could you really know
as your blood flows,
the damage left inside?
If you should ever see
the pain in me,
you'd wish it away.

Hate all the blood on my hands
and the sins that bleed from my soul
Take it all away,
make it go away

Stand up for being the last one to control
What you're seeing starts from being the last to know
Stand up for being the last one to control
But what you can't see is being the last one to know

Fade into a dream
Try and save me from myself, now
Save me from myself, now.
Fallen from the world
If I can ever breathe in the air,
maybe then I wouldn't suffocate.

Face all the things that were
real to me, long ago, to save my
Name, I never thought it would
be such a long way to fall

Stand up for being the last one to control
What you're seeing starts from being the last to know
Stand up for being the last one to control
But what you can't see is being the last one to know

Fade into a dream
Try and save me from myself, now
Save me from myself, now.
Fallen from the world
If I can ever breathe in the air,
maybe then I wouldn't suffocate.

Stand up for being the last one to fall...

Life is so funny... every time you think you have it licked... well, you don't.

I do what I can to try to make my life into what it needs to be... to have the things I deserve... it doesn't always go the way I want it to, but every now and then, something will happen, however large or small, that reminds me that it's all worth it.

I'm in the process of a few "somethings" that should make a HUGE difference in my quality of life... I can't expect all three things to pan out in my favor, immediately... but they can all pan out for me... and they honestly *should*... I deserve it. I've been working hard for a couple of them... and the third thing should just happen because it's one of those things that should be... y'know, "written in the stars" and all that good stuff... lol

Here's to hoping that the hard work pays off... and to not giving up on that which truly matters.

...not because you deserve it... but because it's right...

So, welcome back... for now... but if you fuck it up and so much as fart in the wrong direction... even once... well... yeah, you know the rest. It's all in your hands, now. Don't make people look stupid for giving you a chance.

I was thinking... I've been being a little hard on Junkie... I mean, he can't help who he is... well, he most definitely can help it, but... he just makes incredibly shitty choices... but... as much as I can seem so, I'm not completely heartless. I have compassion... but I have a pretty low tolerance for idiocy... especially from adults. A person has to know better... yet...

I've sat and watch people really, really close to me die, far too young, as a result of poor decisions. God knows, I've made plenty of bad choices on any number of topics... luckily, I usually realize my mistakes and do my best to learn from them. Yeah, most people say that, but not as many actually do. Yes... Junkie fucked up. He's let drugs and (not particularly very attractive) girls get the better of his judgment and his obligations to a group of people that need him around. It pissed a lot of people off... and I'm pretty sure that there's a guy I know that really wants to hurt him, now, because he just has to hit on anyone that says hello and smiles at him... friends/boyfriends be damned.

So, putting his inability to decide the best course of action aside, maybe Junkie needs a chance at redemption... but could he succeed? Well... good question. I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt... and it usually always reminds me why I have virtually no faith in humanity. His massive attention-craving, underfed ego... his desire to "conquest" (why he can't choose to pursue a girl who is actually single rather than always having to go after other people's (even his own "friends'") girlfriends)... combined with the desire to always be high will likely be his downfall. I have no idea why I talked Josh out of smearing him all over the pavement a while back... well, I didn't want to see Josh lose his job over something that was more of an issue between him and his (then-)girlfriend... but... I need to weigh the "help vs. harm."

As I've said before, there are times when he's not a bad guy... there are times when he's rather "normal," and tolerable and easy to be around and helpful and all that... but there are a lot of times when he's out of control... and I don't know if needing the good guy in him around is worth the chances of the bad guy showing up in its place.

Ehh... I don't know... maybe I should make a couple calls and hope for the best. Second chances are hard to come by... and I'm not saying he deserves it... but maybe he needs it... and if he blows it, it's his own fault... not anyone else's around him. He can't use his ex-wife or his kid or anything else as an excuse... it's all on him at that point...

Second chances are hard to get... I know if I had a second chance at a couple of things... well... yeah.

I don't know... maybe.

So long, junkie... for now, anyway...
Seems you went and got yourself in a pickle... not unlike the guy you loved to talk trash about, your ol' junkie "pal," Douchey.
Can you talk your way out of this one, this time? Oh, no... no, you can't.
Was it really that hard to just... just behave like an adult for a change?

Yeah, I'm engaging in a little schadenfreude... you deserve it, honestly. You couldn't just play it straight... you had to keep talking your shit about everyone... trying to bang their girlfriends as soon as they weren't around... you had to keep puffing your chest as if every woman in the free world should beg for you and your salmony chinpubes (by the way, the "women should be respected" speech you tried to pitch at Jay while the girlies were listenin'... well, the truth came out a couple seconds later BY YOUR OWN STUPID HAND (or mouth, as it were) and it went over like a fart in church, huh? Next time, maybe just look around and make sure the same girls you're trying to impress aren't standing right behind you before you start referencing their anatomy... dufus) You couldn't keep your habit under any kind of reasonable control (why couldn't you even wait to get off the lot, for cryin' out loud?). It was only a matter of time before you made the slip that would sink the party boat, and... well... look at you, now. Welcome to another page in the book of your goofy life... wasn't worth it, was it?

I'm not going to lie... there were some moments where being around you was just fine... you're not a completely horrible person when you put some effort into it... but maybe that was the problem... you were putting way too much effort into trying to be something you're not. You need to relax and take a deep breath of some really fresh air, sometime... you don't always have to have the biggest dick in the room all the time, y'know?

I'd say, "oops," but you knew what you were getting yourself into... most people do... you just weren't smart enough to get out.

Silly guy.

I kinda forgot about this song for a while... but I was going through some albums this morning and was like, "Oh, yeah... that girl can sing."

I don't suppose
you ever thought of me as your universe,
so forgive me if I start to say too much.
I hit the ground,
you failed to pick me up
and that's what hurts the worst.

And every end is finished with a fall,
It's such an ugly word
that's rolling off your tongue.

And hating you
just seems so much easier than
saying to you,
you're all I ever wanted, and
you loved yourself
way more than I ever knew.
You're my suicide
Now say goodbye,
say goodbye
to me.

And I give up,
You right a wrong, while you
hate everything that I say so much
Now you've left me twisted and torn
It's hard for me to hide
the pain in my face
when you walk through the door,
anymore.

And every end is finished with a fall,
It's such an ugly word
that's rolling off your tongue.

...You go and lock the door
and hide me from the world...

And hating you
just seems so much easier than
saying to you,
you're all I ever wanted...

You're my suicide,
my suicide...

It's just one of those things, y'know? No matter what they'll try to tell themselves to attempt to make it go away... he's always gonna be there... forever... and one of these days... sooner than they believe possible... they'll look up and say, "What if...?" And the answer will be, "You'll see..." and they'll try to keep fighting what they know... but it won't matter... it's not under their control, no matter what they think they can do about it.

He was there... He saw it with his own two eyes. He knows what remains... no matter what they'll try to tell themselves.

They thought they felt good then? Just wait... they have no idea the levels of real happiness they're capable of... only if they just believe the truth and trust in what really matters.

And it will be worth it... so much so... for both of them.

As much of an awesome thing that it is... buying a house is kind of a bitch... yeah, I already kind of have a "house..." that I can't move into, yet... there's adding-on to do, geothermal to be laid... lots of things to do before it's "home sweet home," I guess... but... I'm tired of paying rent for a tiny apartment and having nothing to show for it... so... I've been looking around... had a list from the net... nothing really jumped out as awesome, or even potentially awesome. So I did the thing you're supposed to do... I drove around. All I can say is -

jackpot.

Could I possibly be moving back to the ol' stomping ground? Looks that way. Amazing.

Big thanks to Jimmy & Linda for the tip.

something

There's something I want to say... need to...

and I can't... because you won't let me...

because you hate me.

I did everything I could do to protect you... and all the while, you didn't even know it... I did everything I could... not that you would ask... but you needed it.

I just needed to square everything up... to let you know... but I couldn't... you wouldn't let me... Well, look at me, now.

...because you hate me.

I don't fit in...

I've tried.

I'm not talking about the cliched "fitting in" that you're thinking of... and I'm not talking all whiny and shit, either... like, in a "bad" way, or whatever.

I like who I am... it's difficult to be who I am... but I is what I am.

I'm just a different kind... and it doesn't work.

There's a new girl at work... all of the sudden this is what it's like... Chester the Junkie walks around all puffy-chested like his old partner in crime, Douchey... it's ridiculous.

why

All this time later... and I still just cannot get it all out of my system. As much as I want to say, "I just don't get it" - I totally get it... as mind-numbingly ridiculous as it may be.

Why? As complicated as the answer may want to be, it's actually quite simple.

...and it really makes me happy, even if I can't live it.

I was gone for a week... and I came back to... exactly the same thing I left... I would have figured something might have changed, even ever-so-slightly, for the better... but no... the same stupid crap... a bunch of adults acting like fourth graders.

Grr... I hate this fucking place.

Ugh... so tired...
Nothing new...

Looking for my energy...

Where are you?

WHERE ARE YOU?

I wish...

I don't wish that often...

but... I wish.

mumble

Wake me up... I'm tired of being asleep.

beauty school

I like you when,
When you take off your face
You put away all your teeth
and take us way underneath

'Cause you could die if you take it alone...

I watch you taste it...
I see your face
and I know I'm alive.
You're shooting stars
from the barrel of your eyes...
And it drives me crazy,
just drives me wild.

I kinda like you when,
When you make up the reel
You take the phone in your room,
Stop the tape or resume...

Well you could try if you think it will load...

I watch you taste it...
I see your face
and I know I'm alive.
You're shooting stars
from the barrel of your eyes...
And it drives me crazy,
it drives me wild.

Every time...
every time... you drive me wild
It's a beautiful ride...
Wild...
It's a beautiful ride...

Mobile Blogging from here.

Someone told me this, once.

Oops... sorry to hear that you're gonna have to stay home from work for a few days against your wishes... gonna cut into the ol' dope funds a li'l bit. Kinda hard to "woo the ladies" when you don't have the cash for the pills... oh, wait, you "get the girls with just the haircut and the juggalo tattoo," right? (I honestly can't believe some of the crap that comes outta your mouth, sometimes... but at least you were right about something... the "girls" part... funky bags and little girls... I wish I was so smooth.)

Hope it was worth it.

I relate to your kind,
your design,
Your devotion to wave
Get your brain on the prize
then dive inside...

the mindset of a killer
with your mind out of phase.

It's a game that we like,
we crave yet nobody wins
Any way you decide,
you try but you die...

The mindset of a killer
With your gaze you paint the room
blood red with tears pouring
from the stage.

And you can't stop, now
rung by rung, almost out
Covered in black and gold
No one cares and no one knows

My gift to the world outside,
It's okay, I'm all right
Now open your empty hands
'cause here comes the fun,
here comes the end

Click "erase the device,"
Give thanks, then
clear out the room
Blow kisses, wave them goodbye...
Goodnight,

Mindset of a killer...
With your gaze you paint the room
blood red with tears pouring
from the stage.

And you can't stop, now
rung by rung, almost out
Covered in black and gold
No one cares and no one knows

My gift to the world outside,
It's okay, I'm all right
Now open your empty hands
'cause here comes the fun...

Here comes the end.

...one chance, one kiss,
One taste of you, my Magdalena

I bear witness to this place,
This prayer, so long forgotten
So pure, so rare
to witness such an earthly goddess...

Some people are, to use someone else's words, complete fuckasses.

I'm about this close |<->|...

I'm sick of hearing the stories... the endless stories of the absolutely retarded escapades of a child... There's a reason I chose to remove myself from all the bullshit that is my work... I guess it was done first as a means to rid myself of some unwanted crap regarding someone very special to me... and it sort of evolved into ridding myself of ALL the unwanted crap. I show up, I talk to my friends, I don't talk to the "non-friends," I take my breaks alone, I eat alone, I leave. I don't pay attention to all the stupid gossip about all the idiots that work, there... but it's hard to "turn off" when a grown man openly admits to sleeping with thirteen year-olds... the same guy that used to make fun of Douchey for chasing fourteen year-old (looking) girls all over the place... then less-than-scrupulously obtaining phone numbers of co-workers' girlfriends and hooking up with them (which, if the girls go along with it, they are as much to blame, honestly... hobags)... and it's not like the guy is even good-looking, intelligent, or otherwise. A while back, a girl that worked there was showing me the texts he had been sending her, trying to get her in the sack and it was like the most contrived, over-the-top schmoozing you could imagine... it was... just... blecch... god, what a tool... and to think that while I was rehabbing my back, he was pulling the same shit on... well... just... no, let's not. Douchey was one thing... and he got what he deserved... Junkie has been on the short list for a while, now... and it's (obviously) quite easy to make it appear totally innocuous... I think my desire for separation from the environment that goes on there has kept me preoccupied (and all the better for it)... but... I dunno.

(I wish you would read this and get a hold of me - there's something left unsaid... yeah, I know the odds that you'd ever care enough to be here in the first place are slim... but one day, you'll really understand why little ol' me ever bothered to care.)

Too blind to know your best
Hurrying through the forks without regrets
Different now, every step feels like a mile
All the lights seem to flash and pass you by

So how's it gonna be?
When it all comes down, you're cycling trivialities

Don't know which way to turn
Every trifle becoming big concerns
All this time you were chasing dreams
without knowing what you wanted them to mean

So how's it gonna be?
When it all comes down, you're cycling trivialities

Who cares in a hundred years from now?
All the small steps, all your shitty clouds
Who cares in a hundred years from now?
Who'll remember all the players?
Who'll remember all the clowns?

So how's it gonna be?
When it all comes down, you're cycling trivialities

So what does this really mean?
When it all comes down, you're cycling trivialities.

nownthen

You see a soul and you fall in love
You can't do a thing about it

In you I saw someone that I recognized
I had no idea what was in your mind
I met your eyes and I was hypnotized
I let our lives become entwined

For though you knew that I was twice your age
To make you smile seemed you enough

It was me who had the most to gain
Despite the fact that I now have lost

...you see a soul and you fall in love...

surprise

...after being told what I was told the other day, I'm kinda surprised they hadn't arrested him when he showed up in town, much less that they hadn't by last night, even... that whole roving wiretap thing is weird. Using a piece of legislature designed as counterterrorism to track drug fools is kind of silly, but legal, apparently. It wasn't what it was designed for but the government is... well, they're kinda fucked up like that.

I'm still kinda confused as to why I'm still even in the loop on all of this crap, anymore, after I told people in no uncertain terms that I didn't want to be... it's like hey, I did what I had to do to protect one person... my interest in the dealings of others, no matter the relation, is essentially nonexistent unless it directly affects that one person... and it's not... well, that's not exactly true, but in the big picture, they're just a teeny, tiny fragment of a piece of a little bigger piece of a much bigger piece of the big cookie... it's grown people, capable of making their own choices and bearing the prices of those decisions - they have to deal with what they choose, just as every living being does. I mean, is she still making bad choices? Sure, but unless they go back on their word, she's not going to have to go through what the rest are facing. Health is (potentially) fixable... criminal records that follow you around for the rest of your life are not. None of them are little kids, anymore. They can't get mommy & daddy to fix their issues, anymore. I guess some people never quite "grow up" and behave like real adults. They'll always lay responsibility at someone else's feet... but y'know, parents have limits, too... even not so super-great ones. Everyone has a breaking point... self-preservation, even of an image, is a very real, very strong persuader.

I dunno... like I said, I'm a bit surprised (as much as I am surprised at the stupid choices that the same not-really-all-that-stupid people continue to make on a continual basis)... but that's making me think the watchers just have bigger plans... which is a pretty scary thought. :\

I've figured out why I really dislike "junkie fuck" at work... well, I figured it out a while ago... but I was "reminded" of it, so to speak... Yeah, he's a junkie dipshit... I know literally tons of 'em... they permeate all aspects of my life... I can deal with that just fine... but... just...

Well, for whatever reason, he thinks he's some big "stud muffin" type... which is douchetastic in its own right... I'm pretty comfortable when it comes to judging what an attractive man is... and this cat is not there, in any fashion... he's a little wormy goofwad with chinpubes that acts like he's incredibly "cool" or whatever (what the hell does that even mean, anymore?) and smart but when you engage him in any type of truly intellectual conversation, he totally falls all over himself (trust me, I've made him do it... just for fun... more than a half dozen times in the last year)... but he was chatting in the back room last night during a tiny lull... going on about this girl at work he's been wanting to go out with... and by "go out with," he merely means he wants to get them drunk or high (or both) and fuck them and then pretend like they don't exist. He makes no bones about it when he refers to other "women" (and I use that term loosely). Like... okay... a little while back, he let one of the younger guys I work with use his phone so the guy could call his girlfriend... and then proceeded to call the girl, himself, a day or so later and start hitting on her... and he tells me this with absolutely no shame, whatsoever (in all fairness, he's a ginger, and we all no that gingers have no soul). I've seen her, she's cute, but nothing worth doing bullshit like that over... especially to a coworker, little goofy kid or not... but he has no morals... he'll hit on anyone that will say "hi" to him... almost as bad as his old cohort "Douchey." In fact, the guy actually had sex with Douchey's former stepmother, whom we also work with... and... I dunno... that's just appalling to think about, in any manner... and the topper was the fact that she did it because he gave her money (she has a bit of a problem, herself)... I'm not really sure who that speaks worse of, honestly. ANYHOW... he was talking about how he "wants to take (this girl) out and show her a good time" and then proceeds to make this air-humping motion (which garnered him the nickname "boxhumper" a long time ago between a few of us for his uncontrollable urge to hump air, boxes, anything handy when he sees, thinks, speaks of a girl)... It sparked a memory of the first night I worked with him (I knew him when he was a little kid across the street from my best friend's house)... He said, "I know how you feel about ("someone" - note: he often mispronounced her name several times to me), but I wanna take her out and, y'know, show her a good time... she just has the biggest tits..." Now a.) how he knows anything about how I feel about anyone... who knows... b.) why any of it is his business... who knows... c.) why he would say that about anyone someone cares about to their face... who knows... but... I told him that he would seriously regret if he ever spoke about her to me, again, in any terms, much less like that. I probably didn't speak a word to him for a couple weeks after that first night back... and then I kind of let it go... and then I was reminded why he's such a choad, last night... I mean, I had no respect for him... and I had negative respect for him when he paid granny to fuck her (if there ever was a sexy woman on earth... this woman is not, or never has been it)... and then he uttered that phrase last night and that shit that he said about her came rushing back into my head... and I bit my tongue... and I took deep breaths... and I left work.

Note: Jim talked to the girl at work, recently, and warned her that if she went out with him, both he and I would never speak to her, again... which was hilarious when she came to me almost crying about it... but she made the mistake of giving him her number, even though she never really wanted to go out with him 'cause she knew what he was like, and now can't get rid of the incessant text messages... her fault...

I'm glad I'm not going to be there, tonight... because I know he is... I mean, it's not like I'm going to confront him about it, anymore... but I just don't want to see his face, today. I'd rather he just go away like Douchey... but I'm not to the point of seeing to that, yet. Douchey was different - there was an immediate issue that needed addressed to make a lot of people much happier... but I think the disease in junkie fuck's body is going to be enough issue for him that soon enough there won't be a need to go any further.

Leg tattoos are lame... on girls, too, but especially on guys... It seems like there is a mass abundance of goofy idiots walking around with some stupid "tribal" something on their leg. Lame (what the fuck, people? I mean, I do tribal art, but it all actually IS something, not just a bunch of abstract lines and angles and stupidity - you suck).

Sporadic leg tattoos are even more lame... guys, girls, doesn't matter. You see a girl walking with a flower on her foot... a few inches up, a butterfly... a few inches up on the other side, the Tazmanian Devil... another few inches up, a heart... and then... paw prints, or something incredibly lame like that... no flow, no concept... but tons of lame.

Those tattoos on the small of your back (aka, the "tramp stamp" or "jizz target")? Retarded. Don't care what it is... it could be the most beautiful piece of art in the world... but it sucks... just like you.

Neck tattoos are the lamest... Some guy walking around with, like, "Shirley" or something on the side of his neck... or a chick with an ankh on the back of her neck... or anywhere... jesus... stop it.

There was a time when tattoo art was truly symbolic... not too very long ago, really... and they were special. Now, every white trash retard pillhead piece of shit has a full sleeve... but can't afford proper clothing for their children... or shampoo.

Just so you know, you're not cool... you're lame. You're not the "individual" you think you're trying to be... you're a sheep trying to make people think you're cool... but you're not. You're just like all the rest. It used to be cool... but it's not, anymore. I mean, tattoos are cool... if they mean something... if they are significant... but this whole "random tattoo madness wherever you think it will look 'cool'" that you're doing... stop.

Floating under water
Ever-changing picture
Hours out from land
In tune with all our dreams...

The ocean takes me in
to watch you shake it
Watch you wave your powers
Tempt with hours of pleasure

Take me one more time...
Take me one more wave...
Take me for one last ride...
I'm out of my head
Tonight

The sound of the waves collide
Tonight,
we ride...

Cruising through the city
after hours with me
Fusing all our powers...
Here's to all our dreams...

Take me one more time...
Take me one more wave...
Take me for one last ride...
I'm out of my head
Tonight

The sound of the waves collide
Tonight,
we ride...

Don't wanna take it slow,
I wanna take you home
And watch the world explode
from underneath your glow

I want to watch the way
you creep across the my skull

You slowly enter
Because you know my room
And then you crawl your knees off
before you shake my tomb

I wanna watch you close
I need to see for sure
After the taping's through
Who do you think we can show?

I want to watch the way
you creep across the my skull

You slowly enter
Because you know my room
And then crawl your knees off
before you shake my tomb...

For a thousand days
You've been staring away
Are you phased or
are you thinking?
Crack a smile and wave,
It doesn't scare me away
Hit the brakes
I feel like cruising with you...
too...

So I gaze
in your eyes
and I wonder
Can you take me on?
Your haze that I'm under
Come wake me up... soon

Take a bow and wave
as you're carried away
It was great
but I'm not leaving
Crack a smile and wave,
It still doesn't scare me away
Hit the brakes
I feel like cruising with you...
too...

So I gaze
in your eyes
and I wonder
can you take me on?
Your haze that I'm under
Come wake me up

For a thousand days
we could get carried away
Are you in?
Are you in?

So I gaze
in your eyes
and I wonder
Can you take me on?
Your haze that I'm under
Come wake -
So I gaze
and I want her
Can you take me on?

Walk a mile in my shoes... hell, walk a block in them... then tell me if your shoes ever feel the same, again.

Trying to cope can be a complete bitch... I did a really good job of it...
for a while.

So do I really believe?
Caught up and twisted,
She's hardly completed
Now I'm out of time and full of hate
If nothing will change you,
then nothing will ever change

'Cause all that I need
from you now, you can't see

I'll take my last breath to say this
Your broken world left me hopeless
Every time I pray but
nothing will change
I'll take my last breath, now
I hope I find my way

What else in this world
could happen to me?
Always convicted,
You're simply defeated
It kills me that
I've never found that saving grace
that gave you the shelter
you needed for one more day

'Cause all that I need
from you now, you can't see

I'll take my last breath to say this
Your broken world left me hopeless
Every time I pray but
nothing will change
I'll take my last breath, now
I hope I find my way

Call it madness
Call it tragic
Have you had enough?

I was hanging with a couple of friends the other day and the subject turned to the local pillhead population and their tendencies of ripping people off and thievery and all that. We'd all done our share of different things, but we all came out on the other side okay because we weren't a bunch of scandalous junkie thieves... we were stoners that liked to hang out and be goofy. We had our limitations on what we did to get high. If we didn't have the money, we had to do something else... might not have been as "fun," or whatever, but that's what we did... we weren't idiots and we weren't complete fucks. We had friends that sold all their furniture for dope, swindled all kinds of people out of all kinds of money for dope. The conversation made me recall a time when someone really close to me that had a pretty real problem told me that they didn't steal to get high... which... "stealing..." I guess technically, they didn't come right out and downright "steal" the cash... but they did constantly do things like using money given to them for "school stuff" and various other things ("concerts," etc.) for dope, get the credit card from the parents, go shopping for clothes, take the clothes back the next day, get the cash and buy dope... blah blah blah... but no, they weren't a "thief." lol

To this day, they probably don't feel much guilt for the stacks of cash they swindled out of their parents and whomever else to waste on a bunch of crap to try to deal with their problems (empty rationalizing is the key to an empty life)... which just led to not solving the problem, at all, and much more serious problems, later on.

Besides... "stuff" is cooler than "no stuff."

So you slipped, you little cheap bitch?
You run for cover with the she-snitch...
Put your fucking head in the sand...
Been running games since we last met
Soon, you'll be amazed it's your last breath
Don't know what to say,
won't know what to do,
the time's come.
Your fucking head is out of the sand
and guess who's waiting there
for you?

Run away,
run away

Coward.

Vacation #1... feels pretty good so far...

Of course, I'll be busy doing other work and such (so I guess the term "vacation" is rather relative)... but... at least I won't have to spend a week where I really don't want to be, anyway.

So a little while back, I called in a big-assed favor and kept someone out of some rather serious trouble... jail... the works. Their goofy partner-in-crime got a whole lot less than what they deserved because they talked like there was no tomorrow, including implicating the aforementioned someone in their dealings... I'm talking they were looking at serious time in prison and instead, as a result of singing like the songbird, got probation and has to go to this rehab thing that is basically a joke for people like them, because it really doesn't have a good system in place to keep track of things, properly, and they really don't want to get clean in the first place... they're just going to go through the motions and be right back at it once they are out. They weren't even supposed to be allowed to qualify for this program because they tested dirty (twice) while waiting to be tried, and also got arrested for the same crime (again) while out on bond, failed to appear (which, when you do that on your own recognizance, is a felony, itself)... blah blah blah, they snitched a bunch of people out and are being rewarded for being an idiot.

But anyhow, yeah, for whatever reason, I did what I thought was the right thing. I used myself to keep someone out of trouble. I can't speak for their siblings, because all that is out of pretty much anyone around here's control, at this juncture... and when that all happens, there won't be much I'll be able to do but know it was coming. It will drive a spike or three into an already rather multi-fractured family structure... but that's not really my concern. I took care of one person... because, for whatever reasons, I don't think they need to have their life flipped on its ear like that. As messed up as the things they did were, the rest of their life doesn't need to be spent paying for it in ways that would just be... well, beyond simply tragic. The one that's in the system, now... having to deal with the pretty poor excuse of a rehab and all that... they're going to have their own bed to make... two of the people they snitched on have since been arrested and charged with some rather serious crime. I mean, the word is out... people want them dead... and they will likely "disappear" like so many others like them, around here... and I guess that will be sad. I mean, I don't have any respect for them, or anything like that, but at one point I'm pretty sure they were a decent person... and all the things that happened that turned them into what they are now are not necessarily of their own making... it's a slippery slope... and particularly hard to make any headway into it. But... their fate is kind of already sealed... by their own foolhardy, greedy actions.

But yeah... I did something that most people wouldn't do for anyone... and I didn't do it to get something back from them... it's not like I'm thinking they're gonna pop up and say "thanks" or anything... I doubt it... pride goeth before the fall and all that good stuff... I did it because I couldn't sit back and know it was happening and do nothing. I care about them deeply... and caring like that will make you put your own well-being on the back burner, sometimes... and you'll put yourself on the line for them... and if you died tomorrow, you'll know that it was worth it.

Chances come and chances leave you
stranded on the beaten path
I'm not looking for what's to good to be true.
I'd sure love to see you laugh.

It's not too hard to see you left this inside me.
This new emotion that I didn't know I needed.

The day will come when I can ask you why.

...and I miss the way
you always wake me from those
faded rerun dreams...

Time can take
everything that surrounds you
You can break from
everything that confines you
Some to trust - look in my eyes
I will guide you
So I say

Living to love could remind you

You can't know,
Follow

What I say to you,
take with you today
The pressure it brings
Alone, alive to know
What I say to you,
take with you today
You can't take the pain
to live to know

You can't fake
everything that reminds you
how you feel,
Time will tell what's inside you

You can't know,
Follow...

Hold on,
We try to live a dream
We lose the fight, again
I take the promise I believe
and keep it close 'till the end
I start a war inside
Drop and cover me,
My sense of peace is burning
Shutting down, I'm falling down

Can I give it all way
just to get back to that better place, today?
And I give everything away
'till I get back to that better place, today

Holding on,
I suffer like a fiend
and try and face the day
I gotta say I'm a little relieved
to see you stay 'till the end
I took the war inside
and pushed it out of me,
My sense of peace is burning
Open now, I'm not falling out

Can I give it all way
just to get back to that better place, today?
And I give everything away
'till I get back to that better place, today.

***
...you know who you are.

Need to cut the grass at the house, today... but there's a big storm coming, so unless I go do it right now, I'm gonna get rained out... so... I'm gonna get rained out.

Bleh.

I'm not quite so irritated, today... perhaps I will sleep decently, for a change. I just can't get over it...

That's it... I just can't get over it.

I slept two hours, yesterday... and haven't slept yet, today... I can't get comfortable. I drift into "almost sleep" for, like, five minutes and then come out of it and can hear every little sound... and then slowly drift back into "almost sleep," again for another five minutes... and it just repeats itself over and over. I can't find a way to lay that feels "right."

I'm irritated... and not the good, potentially-productive kind, either. I've got something on the brain... I know, I know... it's ridiculous. I get it under control and then it sneaks back up on me. I make it make sense and then I get caught up in it, again. I made it all go away, before... it went away... What the hell, man? And it's not like I'm not in control of it... I totally am... but... I'm letting it happen.

Shit... damnit... shit.

I lost a friend this week to cancer... it sucked. It still does. It will continue to do so.

She and I didn't always see eye to eye... but we were still friends. One morning a few months ago, she was pretty mad at me for something I did that made her life a little more complicated. In the process, she made me pretty mad, because I didn't think I did anything to cause her to fly off the handle quite like she did... but she did that from time to time; that morning was just my turn, I suppose. It was rather dramatic for a few seconds, but I did everything I could to explain to her what I did and didn't know about the situation and openly admitted where I went wrong (I don't quite have the time to devote to making things perfect for everyone else when I don't even have the time to do what I have to do in the first place). I made things good with her that morning, although she was still a little miffed at me for a little while after that... but we were still friends. It all blew over pretty quickly, actually... her husband liked to give me shit about it, now and then... good-hearted shit, though... and I took it in stride. I've known him since he was pooping on himself, essentially, so it was all good.

The last conversation we had was a really good one... and I was glad for that. She came to me that morning and almost seemed to go out of her way to talk to me about some things. At first, I was a little confused... and totally unprepared for this warm-hearted person standing before me talking about things I never thought she would want to talk to me about, but I understood what was really behind it... we were friends.

I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, it all happened so incredibly fast... and I was out of town during an "official" chance to do so (but I've never been very good at those kinds of things, anyway)... but at least in my heart, I can know that our friendship "ended" on a very good note.

But... it kind of makes me wretch a little on the inside to see all these people that would talk shit about how much of a "bitch" she was turn around and act all "she was so sweet, it's so sad," and all that stuff... hypocrisy at its finest. No, she was not always the nicest person on the planet, but... I don't know... people really confuse me, sometimes. It's just fucked up to watch people be so two-faced all the time. But fuck them... they're idiots, anyway.

I'll miss her smile that sometimes appeared if I could crack just the right joke... and her not-so-bubbly personality that would show itself when the mood struck her... I'll just miss her. I mean, who's going to yell at me when I fuck things up, now? Well, there's a small list of people that wait their turn to do that, anyway... but you know what I'm sayin'.

Had a good day, yesterday. Power-sleep... power-guitar... tracked some decent stuff... It needs a little more spit n polish, though, before I make it available for listening pleasure.

As angsty as I've been feeling, lately... I feel pretty good. I've been able to channel it all properly and not let it get the best of me; I've been getting the best of it, actually. I'm looking forward to making more good music for myself... in the end, I really don't care who hears it. Yeah, it's nice to get good feedback from it, because it lets me know that I'm on the right track. I spent a long time doing a lot of acoustic instrumental music that I really liked, a lot. The last batch I ever did was by far the best... and that's because I had some help from a really, sincerely special person who didn't have to do anything but be who she was to me... for me. It was some really powerful stuff... and I'm as proud of the results as I've ever been of anything I've ever done in thirty years of playing guitar... and I'm very thankful that she could be the inspiration for it, all. And now, to take the flip side of that coin... the anger and the frustration (and even that likely forlorn "hope") that came from it all, and turn it into something entirely different... I don't know what the future could ever hold for that part of my life, anymore... but I have channeled it into something I can wrap my head around... at least...

...and some of the guitars and rhythms are just plain sick nasty...

Oh, well... y'do what y'gotta do...

Off to the 'nato in a couple hours... looking forward to a good time with good people... I'll be at the Taft around 6:30 or so... if you're around, c'mon by. I'd love to see ya and say hey.

Off today... gonna squeeze some more guitar in before I crash for a few...

"Now y'got me all irritated so I'm gonna play it like a MAN... 'cause I got crow's feet, bitches!"

I love feeling edgy and shit when I play... it brings out a really aggressive side to my playing... impressive riffs bouncing off bold, dynamic drums... it gets pretty intense after a while... and I love it... makes me glad to be angry at people every once in a while... cause it brings out some really neat rhythms.

Lots to do, today. Gonna be a fun next couple days.

So come try to rob my house again while I'm in Cincinnato, tomorrow... you'll have a really humorous surprise waiting for you if you do. Well, really humorous for me, anyway. Probably a little less so for you. Inflicting deserved pain (of whatever varieties) on people can have its good sides, too. ;)

Another day to play... and play, I shall...

Cincinnato, Wednesday.

Ugh... As solid as I've become, recently... I still feel like a wreck... like something was ripped out of me... and I can't get it back... I can't find it... and it's not finding me... it's cutting me in two... and ripping me in three... how many pieces will you take from me?

I deserve better than this. I came too far out of the darkness all those years ago... to feel like I've been hurtled back into it... fuck.

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't so... me.

Not that I want to be anyone else... ever. You're all totally fucked up... but still...

I have far too much at stake, anymore, and little time to share.

One day, it will all be clear...
I just hope it's not too late, by then.

Isn't the idea of "unfinished business" just totally irritating?

I'm not insulted, though... as much as I could be, I'm not.

Part of me understands. Really. The other part, I can't speak for. It speaks for itself... beyond "words."

Irritating, yet... understandable... yet... we know what it is - and it seems a shame to waste any tiny bit of the truth staring you right in the face.

Makes me a little sad, really... but you never know. Today could be the day where it makes the right kind of sense. And maybe that old business can get finished and new business can begin.

Wouldn't that be something? It sure as hell wouldn't be irritating, anyway.

I've been home for about an hour... and I think I've already played for about forty-five minutes. Just knowing that I don't have to go to work tonight (or Wednesday)... it feels good to be able to take the last few days' pent up shit and turn it into something... that's worth something... feels good. I really like my "angry guitar," sometimes.

We'll see what I can get accomplished and perhaps I'll post some rough tracks, later tonight or tomorrow.

I

I can't figure out how... but it's still there.

I don't know why... but it just won't go away.

I can't see what... but I have to do something about it.

I can't be sure of when... but it has to happen.

I have no idea where... but there is a place.

I know who...

it's you.

Okay... a couple more days and I can get back to making some music... and that will make the next couple nights a little easier.

The irritation of the past (and of the next two days) will just build and I'll sling some angry, high-bred, high octane, non-corporate jams...

I am so looking forward to it.

Why couldn't I have been this eager when I still wanted to play in actual working bands? Meh. Doesn't matter. I'll make my own music... for me. I don't need the hassles that come with trying to play music with people I don't consider "family," again.

C'mon Monday...

So far down,
Can you tell me if I'm counted out?
(You know that now)
(You know) that in the end
there's nothing left but here and now
(You know that now)
I'm here and now...

My new guitar is awesome... The electronics leave the tiniest bit to be desired (would have liked a mid-sweep), but as far as playability goes... just absolutely awesome. I've had a couple weeks to play on it, now... and now that I've got the setup on it right, it feels damn near perfect. I spent all night last night playing... probably the longest stretch of playing I've done in a few years. Jumped around to three different guitars through the night... all kinds of crazy tunings... I think I may have invented a couple along the way, just for shits. I didn't really get around to lay down any real tracks or anything, but I did get a couple ideas onto the LoopStation for reference and future tinkering... which is always good.

Now if I can clear out some of the clutter from my biscuit and find some real time to devote to playing and writing and really being "musical," again... I've done some good stuff, recently, but it was more of a "man, I've gotta get this out before it wrecks me" kind of cathartic thing... I want to write around different kinds of feelings, now... I wanna make some REAL fuckin' noise... hearing that Clint is as happy as he's ever been and back to a really good place in his life (still pissed that I couldn't get to Louisville last Thursday)... I dunno... it's sort of inspiring in a way. Even if I'm not where I wanna be or could be or should be at the moment, I can and should always be able to take something good from other good people's happiness...

I feel really bad for someone at work... let's call her "Turner." See, Turner got shit on in a major way by the love of her life, just as soon as her back was turned the tiniest bit. It's really unfortunate, because she's a really good person. Why this guy would cheat is beyond me; this girl is freakin' gorgeous... I don't mean that "cute" gorgeous, either... more like the kind of gorgeous that if I were twenty years younger... who am I kidding? If I were twenty days younger, I would totally be throwing myself at her... but I'm not, so whatever. She's intelligent, she has a very endearing personality, very friendly, "proper" (when she first told me of said "shitting-on," it was kind of funny watching her dance around certain subjects she thought might not be the most "appropriate," or whatever, but I understand it... if I had been her friend for a while, I'm sure it would be different, but as it is, I'm just some old goof she works with). It really sucks that she's getting herself a taste of what complete and utter dicks guys can be to girls... even to really great girls. Yeah, I know, it goes both ways, but guys are just such incredible assholes, anymore... and I would know... I'm a guy... and I hang around a lot of guys... and sometimes, I just have to go, "what the fuck?" at some of the things I see them do. It's quite the unfortunate event, because now she has to walk around with this bad taste in her mouth, knowing that someone she really cared about was capable of doing something really low to her and what she thought was a really great relationship she had thrown her whole heart into.

Welcome to the real world...

When I was their age, I'm pretty sure I wasn't the greatest guy in the world... I was just out for myself, damn the torpedoes and wherever they may be aimed... I was a complete blithering idiot... but I never cheated on a girlfriend. I've just never had that kind of thing in me. If I was no longer interested in the person I was with, if it had "run its course," or whatever, or if I was interested in someone besides the person I was with, I just ended the relationship... most of the time, yeah, it blew up in my face, but I wasn't going to be a cheater. I'm just not "that guy." I'm pretty sure I screwed up the greatest thing I ever had in my life at that time because I lost sight of what I really wanted... and I was young and a complete blithering idiot.

The bad part for Turner is that she has to deal with a guy who is now resorting to some of the most childish, ridiculous behavior... well, it's apparent she'd rather not deal with it, but he seems to think it's a good idea to act all threatening towards her, like it was her fault that he did what he did, and desire to flaunt this new floozy in her face and all kinds of total nonsense bullshit. She's going to take that bad taste around with her for a while. I'm kind of afraid she's going to be a little vulnerable for a bit... and, of course, there will be droves of douchebags lined up to take advantage of it. She's pretty smart, though. Hopefully she'll recognize the "predator douche" as they start crawling out of the woodwork... The good part for her is that the pain she's feeling towards it all will go away... and she will move on with her life and find someone much more worthy of her care. I know she wants this guy to hurt like she does, but the best "revenge" she can get is to forget how good she was to him in return for what he did to her, remember who she is, that she is not to blame for his actions, and know that her future will be a better one without someone that would do something so... shitty.

Wake up to another day,
Seems like today was yesterday
Thinking of you makes me
feel like I have to scream
to be heard again

I'd crumble before you
just to get the same reaction, once again
How did it get to be?
The reason's in front of me,
You can't stand the sight of me
Why don't you go?

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool, you see...
No one knows this more than me,
as I come clean...

I breathe,
I bleed,
I'm here to show you all my mistake,
It's right here beside you...

Lie next to me and you'll see
I'm the scapegoat
I'm here to tell you that this life's not for free
Look at me, I'm the scapegoat
What will you do about it?

Find another way to look at life and understand that
I can't stop what's supposed to be but
I can show you what it will take.

When presented with several options, I am not the greatest decision-maker. In fact, I can go out of my way to not make a clear decision, sometimes. Not because I don't want to, or not because the choices are hard to make... but sometimes, I just like to keep options available. I'm at a huge crossroad... yet again... and this time, a clear decision needs to be made. I have made my intentions clear, not that it matters to anyone in the slightest... but we will see what unfolds in the coming days. No matter what, changes are coming... and now is the time.

Sometimes you don't realize how shallow the water is until you dive in... and by then, it's too late.

Happy birthday to my brother... Forty-six of 'em, now... hopefully he had a good one. Seems like yesterday that we were little kids taking shit apart to see how it worked... sometimes, it actually got put back together, too.

...

the words I'd like to say...
aren't even words, at all.

And I could be
the one who would die to
feel you breathe

I could break
into a
million pieces, so just
run as fast as you
can for me...

If you follow in my foot steps,
I can't promise anything
But you wont be alone.

'Cause I can be your friend,
Unless you try to be who I am.
And I will let you stand,
If you let me take control.
'Cause too much is never enough.

Even if you hold on,
It's not enough.
But when I take control,
It's never enough.
Too much is never enough.

I pray it doesn't scream my name,
so I light a flame and let it breathe
the air that kills the shame

A risky morning
I feel like I'm alive
I can't believe I've made
it through this time
The edge of sorrow I
lived in for some time
has left the hole I have inside

The burning edge that drowned my hate
was the last thing I ever felt
or thought I could escape

I'm up,
I'm down
like a roller coaster,
racing through my life...

So hard,
hard for me to shine
Been so long

To find,
try and find myself
Hardest thing I've ever done...



Well, I know what it took, before... but it doesn't look like I can go back there, even with what I learned from it, all... but as much as I'd tell myself I shouldn't... I would.

I need this like the devil needs Jesus,
Like a war needs treason,
I've been through Hell for a reason...

...in the end, nothing but solitary moments...

again and always
intent on believing

Wednesday, I sat and watched my boss berate a coworker... and I jumped in and fought for him... knowing it was a losing battle, pretty much, I still jumped in and drew some of the heat away from them... I think after the two rather huge go-'rounds I had with him after Christmas (one of which nearly got him punched square in his sarcastic teeth), he knew that I wasn't going to stand around and take his shit, anymore... or watch him give other people shit and act like he's all high and mighty and can fire people and all that nonsense. The coworker was grateful, the boss was not so much, but it didn't matter to me. I'm just sick of watching him bully and threaten everyone around there like he's anything other than what he is - he's a department head... and nothing more.

I'm sure it won't stop him from going after the next person he sees doing something he doesn't like... but it stopped him from going after a good kid, last night... and that's all I wanted. If he wants to hate his life, fine... but he's not going to get away with taking it out on other people.

karma

I may have made some mistakes
that cost me more than my pride
But somewhere along the way,
that part of me finally died
That part of me never tried
Some part of me is still alive

Here in the bed that I made
Can't sleep 'cause my conscience
keeps me awake,
It keeps me awake

It's coming,
no running away

Yeah, how bittersweet is karma?
Now you've done it, you own it
Know that it's coming,
Don't change for nothing
We all feel karma, now.

Where do you think you can go?
Asking for help but the answer is no.
What do you do?
What do you think you can do?

Yeah, how bittersweet is karma?

Am I the splinter
in your life?

So here we are, now
Break what's already broken
I guess I coulda seen this coming
if you'd been around
Let's tear the past wide open...

I can't take this, anymore...

Tony... tired. Body... sore.

I'm not getting old... I'm just getting beat to hell and back... playing monkeyboy and climbing around like... like a monkey. Busting my ass doing things that basically no one else can, let alone will... the payoff is that I get to do other things that basically no one else can... seated... in front of a computer desk... occasionally... but still... c'mon.

Thursday can get here sooner, if it would like... I didn't quite get to relax like I wanted on Sunday.

I wish I could get myself straightened out... I'm not where I need to be to be myself... but I'll get there, sometime... somehow.

But for now... Tony... tired.

Sleep...

where are you?

You're probably just lost inside someone else's head...

I'm not surprised... I'm totally at a loss for her... and I guess I'm always gonna be... no matter how much I'll try to tell myself otherwise.

And I had it all right in in front of me... an I watched it turn around and walk away... she looked back at me... and I haven't been the same since.

:\

Donovan McNabb is a Redskin...

I was joking with a guy at work, saying I don't care where he goes, as long as it's not Washington...

I am not really all that happy at the moment... but at least it's not Michael Vick.

Just got back from breakfast... er... dinner... whatever... with Ragu and See-Weezee... need to get to bed. Gonna hang with a really cool family and perhaps try to catch a movie early in the evening... that is, if she's up to going. She's doing all the cooking, which is never as much "fun" as it seems... but, y'know... you'll have that.

Well, whatever I end up doing... it won't be work... so that's a good thing, anyway.

Damnit...

Why can't I just lay down and go to fucking sleep?

My brain is for shit...

Is it... is it really my "brain," though?

GrrrrrrDAMNIT.

...and I'm afraid
that I'll make mistakes
I'll always regret...

...and I will be here
'cause I don't mind waiting.

...I don't mind waiting...

grr

I know... I know...

I just can't help myself...

...someone needs to shoot me... this time, in the head...

...Tell me one thing,
Who gave you all those scars
that took away your innocence
you push away with everything you are?

follow

Time can take everything that surrounds you
You can break from everything that confines you
Someone to trust - look in my eyes,
I will guide you

So I say

Living to love could remind you

You can't know...
Follow...