I think about the time we've lost
I think about the time
the silence could be words
And now the only sound I hear
is my guilty conscience
screaming out your name

So go and leave me with my last regret
Let me feel the way you left me dead
Too blind to see you stole my honesty
So go and leave me with my last regret
Let me feel the way you left me dead
Steal away my thoughts of honesty...

A good night off... almost enough rest... almost enough decent playing... almost enough effort on some movie cues... a couple good phone calls... some more advice on decisions... or lack thereof, at this point. I mean, I have some time... and I want to do the right thing... but... neither is really "wrong." One is just safer, I guess.

It's funny how all my life I've had an intrinsic connection to music... growing up with my family, it was easy to see why it was. As I got older, the feelings music brought me only intensified, to the point it is, now... I feel music, I dream music, and I can live music, as well...

It's like the touching of skin...

Wow...

What a decision I have to make... I've talked to two rather important people about it, so far... do I stick around and take the open (yet again... after one... count it... one night) job, buy the house I want and live quietly... or chuck it all and leave to work with a great guy I would not only consider a friend but one of my true heroes? One would think the answer would be really simple - get the fuck out... right? But, it's just never that simple. If I leave... how long can I count on working with him? Ten years? Ten months? The latter, while ten months of heaven, leads of course to the question, "Then what?" And if I stay, and not take a chance that ten years ago I wouldn't have hesitated for a second to take... do I want to settle for the mediocrity that comes with anything around this area?

Ugh... just... ugh.

I really need to play, this morning... but too much to do tonight... sadly, I need to sleep... Okay, not "sadly," so much... I loves me some sleep... but with work, it doesn't leave time for much in between... but... I really need to play, this morning. Well... hmm... it's only 10:00... maybe I can sneak in an hour or two... and sleep for an hour or two less. I need to do some more arranging on the movie cues, too... but I really need to see some more of it to get a better feel of where I'm heading with some of it... I know what's going on, but you can't really put the cues together without something to actually cue them... eh... maybe I'll have some more scenery in my box later on... they know I'm waiting for it, anyway.

Yeah, fuck it... I'll play guitar for an hour or so and see if I can get that which is within... without? lol

Yeah.

And another great one... I could probably put up twenty or so "great ones..." but EMI doesn't like granting embedding clearance very much... bitches.

Despite what it may sound like, this song is about a city in east London, Canary Wharf... it was supposed to have been a major business section, but economics took care of that. It was adorned with all kinds of artificial foliage... It reminds me so much of Jeff Buckley when I hear it... I figure he had to have an influence, somewhere.

One of their best, for sure... and proof of the power of interpretation.

You're 100% correct...

What I do... who I do it with... why I do it... who I give a shit about... who I don't give a shit about... none of your concern. I'm not meaning that to come across as harshly as it sounds... let me explain. I told you before, when you or your friends come on here, you'll read shit you don't want to read... and furthermore, sometimes you'll read into shit things that aren't there. This is not a place for you, right now... Look, I'm truly sorry you're in the situation you're in. It's very saddening to know that you've tolerated what you have for so long. I hope it works out for you in the best possible way, very quickly... I honestly do... but I have nothing whatsoever to do with it. I didn't put you there... and I'm not going to get you out of there. If I had been a better person twenty-five years ago, maybe things would be a lot different... but I wasn't... I was an asshole. I've only recently really figured out who I am... and it wasn't easy... and I don't like a lot of the things that I've seen myself capable of, over the years... I've wished people dead and sat back and watched it happen... in hindsight, that's a pretty horrible thing (no shit, huh?), but at the time, it was who I was... well, not so much really "who I was" but "where I was..." time moved on, some things changed and some things never changed... it took someone ripping my insides out and making me wish I, myself, was dead instead to come to see where I am... and who I am... and I'm going to talk about it all, here... and I'm going to talk about them... and I'm going to put it all to music and words and imagery on here... and I'm going to talk about wishing I could turn back the clock just a matter of a few minutes and do just one little thing differently so that maybe I wouldn't have to have lived the past couple years of complete and utter Hell that it can sometimes be just to take a breath... and I'm going to talk about the people that make me not want to sit around and hate myself for watching it happen... and I'm going to talk about wanting to spend more time around them so that I will dislike myself less and start caring about the person that I know that I am and feel like I'm not crazy... that it is okay for me to care so much about someone that obviously cares a lot about me, but was afraid to drop their guard and show it... but what you need to understand is that you shouldn't be a part of that... because all it ever does is cause more problems... and you have a big enough problem to deal with, right now. I'm sorry. I just don't want you making me into another problem for you. So please, do yourself a favor and stay away from here. It will make things much more pleasant between us rather than the goofy roller coaster you can turn it into by thinking things that you shouldn't.

grr

I guess I need to clarify something for the watchers of this thing (edit: I've addressed them about doing this before privately, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in as well as I thought)... because I don't like getting crazy-assed messages about it... The person I've been wanting to spend time with is just a friend... JUST A FRIEND. Apparently, a guy can't care about a girl without having designs on banging them, or something. I've known them for a long time... and they're one of the better "people" I've probably ever known in my life. I like hanging out with them... I always have... I always will. There isn't some ulterior motive in them being my friend. Blah blah blah, you're wrong for making such stupid assumptions... stupid... and it's irritating to be accused as such... just because you read too much into something... bah, what the heck do you care, anyway?

That being said, I'm not saying that if the opportunity came along for it to be something beyond the pretty righteous friendship it is, I would just immediately, outright say no... I mean, she is what people would call "a catch..." but that's not what's going on... that's not my intention... at all. Besides, I still carry a pretty nasty wound that I never was given a proper chance to unburden myself of that still affects pretty much every breath I've taken since then... but I'm sure in the end, that's all my fault, too. I have my moments where it doesn't sting so much... like when I'm hanging around or talking to good people like the aforementioned... I mean yeah, they were apparently too afraid to face the truth... lots of people don't have the strength to confront something that might slap everything they've been accustomed to for a long time square in the face... but they wanted something single-dimensional and something that was expected of them and something they were used to over something... well... awesome and real... but they're not paying any price for it, just me. Getting past that has been an extremely long and still a bit incomplete process, thus far (some of the more recent music in the last several months, including the recent collaborations have helped me at least take it out of my head and put it into something tangible that people (including myself) might better be able to get a grasp on)... and I'm not about to bring anyone else in on a mess that someone else helped make but wasn't honest enough with themselves to help clean up.

But anyhow... I would encourage those of you that don't want to hear the truth about what goes on in my head not to come here and read it... and if you do, do yourself a favor and don't infer things that aren't there. I think you can figure out by now that if I have something to say, I'm just going to say it...

The house is gonna set me back $93K... I wish I could have gotten a hold of the estate before they decided to list it, because the people at Century21 sure like to gouge, when they can... still... it's a decent deal in an awesome neighborhood. I'm going to look at a couple more houses I've had my eyes on before I finalize everything, though... There's actually two houses right by Ragu that are, though a little smaller, rather tempting.

Yesterday was pretty freakin' awesome... a lot of fun... good people... good free food (although, my stomach seems to feel as if it could rebel at any moment)... good show... was disappointed with Ten Years... I'm not really a huge fan of theirs, but still... I expected a better show out of them. The other bands were decent, but I'd never heard of them, so I'm guessing maybe they were local-ish... anyhow... good times.

HDMS officially begins today in Atlanta... and I'm really looking forward to that, a lot. I hope it all goes good for all involved. He's been through a lot and he's come out on the other side a much better man... and now comes another chance to tell the story.

I would have liked to have offered someone to go along with me. It would have been neat... but again, like before, I understand priorities... and I understand that my wants and wishes don't play a role in that, at all... still, woulda been fun. I mean, who doesn't want to go see a free show and rub elbows with freakin' "rockstars?" lol But... yeah, I didn't even offer, because I know that something like that on a Sunday night is rough when you have to deal with a Monday morning... but as I've stated before, should she desire to have time to hang out, I'd do what I could to make it happen.

(Sunday's gonna be another blast...)



How did you lose yourself
and all you love?
Give me twenty-four hours and
I'll see you in Hell
What's done is done
When the demons meet the skeletons
the world turns red
and it won't be long
before the end starts drawing near
and I'm on my own.

This day was long enough
to fit a lifetime in
The sun's down and I give up
This world is wrong enough
to watch a nightmare live
And I hope there's tomorrow...

You really light up when I'm down
I calm myself
so I don't scream
and really hit you home
I realize I've been a little insane
but I'm not alone.

This day was long enough
to fit a lifetime in
The sun's down and I give up
This world is wrong enough
to watch a nightmare live
And I hope there's tomorrow...

Some bridge you've burned
Time moves oh so slow
Sinner simply fills his hole
That sinner becomes my only hope...

This day was long enough
to fit a lifetime in
The sun's down and I give up
This world is wrong enough
to watch a nightmare live
And I hope there's tomorrow...

Played for a couple hours this morning... I'm liking this tuning more and more... it's a little tricky to get used to playing a lead, maybe, but it's kinda neat... learned the two songs I picked and worked on one of the new songs being thrown around... I could add something to it, I think, but I'll let him let me know... lol Sunday should be fun.

So much for sticking to my guns... lol

Well, I like Aaron... I'm going to miss him... again... when he left before, it sucked... and now he's gonna leave, again... but I'ma help him as much as I can before he goes... he's a good guy to me.

Work sucked... nothing new... too much shit, not enough people... nothing new... people get freaked out and panicky... nothing new... I stay over to help everyone... nothing new...

After the last bit of skullduggery, I just don't feel the need to try to make everyone else look good, anymore. It's not a selfish thought... it's a practical thought. All I've been doing for the last few months is staying over for hours at a time to help everyone out... I'm not doing it for me... yeah, racking up the OT isn't a horrible thing, but that wasn't why I was doing it. It was for "the greater good" of the whole... but all everyone else cares about there are themselves and who they can stir shit up with and cause trouble with and get in their business and all that... so fuck that place... I'm working and I'm leaving... and leaving all the bullshit at the clock.

I deserved that job... but got totally ripped up the back because people are petty and want to bring problems to others so that their problems don't have to suffer alone... the new boss is in for a treat, I guarantee it.

Damn... for whatever reason, I really wish someone would come home this weekend... I understand why she can't... commitment and responsibility and all that... and that's fine... it doesn't have anything to do with me... or "not me," for that matter, if you know what I'm saying... but hanging out the other night... such an unusual but totally welcoming feeling... sanity... and just positive things... wasn't concerned with anything but that moment, right then... sanity, y'know? I understand that she won't be around this weekend to maybe see and hang out and talk about a hundred different things and be intrigued and interested and listen and learn and all that... and laugh and just have the good time we always seem to have when we hang out. Freakin' sanity, man... but it's cool. I wouldn't dare be selfish or bummed or anything like that. She's got things she needs to do if she's going to get to where she wants to be and she needs to make the time to do it right. There will be opportunities if she wants. I'll certainly make the time.

A day of pretty much absolute-zero productivity, yesterday... slept... C called to check on next weekend (although I guess I got something "done," there, because he pointed out who did a song that I've had stuck in my head from work for the last couple weeks - one of his brother's old bands, go figure - lol - now I can get the song out of my head)... slept some more... watched a tiny bit of tv... got worked up over the situation at work a little - let it go, quickly, though... I mean, it's out of my control. If they wanna screw ya, they're gonna screw ya, plain and simple... whether you're at fault for anything or not... if that's how they want it, you're not going to get much say in the matter. It was kinda weird to get grilled about a sketchy co-worker by management, the other night... apparently, there's a bit of a problem with them... and they're actually, finally getting around to noticing... and this is the same co-worker that totally sabotaged my bid at moving on... because they're an insane, petty and vindictive crybaby... if I had done something to them, I could understand it - but this was just drama for the sake of drama. As I've noted on here before, I pretty much stay away from everyone except for my closest friends, there... because it's not worth it to get caught up in the bullshit that goes on among some of the people... they always have to start trouble, because they love to see the drama... if there's no drama, apparently there's nothing good about being there... which, well, that was part of the issue that I was being asked about the other night at work... not regarding me, or anything, though I came really close to bringing up the fact that they were spreading rather malicious shit about me that was not remotely true... but from what it sounded like, they're dealing with the same kind of shit between them and a few other people... so while I feel the desire to clear my name over the issue, now's probably not the best time, because they seem to be aware of it, albeit from another angle. Perhaps when everything comes to light, they'll take a look at my situation and say, "Y'know, we fucked up, there... we had no reason to believe what they said, as crazy as it sounded in the first place, but we did... and we shouldn't have..." Yeah, right, I'll hold my breath. Actually, I'll just wait until a more appropriate time, maybe after the mess has been sorted out with the others, to bring up the stupidity of my personal situation... Yeah, it cost me pretty big time, and I should probably be really pissed about it... but why bother, right now, y'know? They fucked me, they know they fucked me, and if I go making waves about it, they'll fuck me again... because they're not about to act like they made a mistake... ever.

Anyhow, yeah... didn't play at all... I told myself I would play an hour or two, just to get these weird tunings I've been working with under wraps. I looked at the guitars... I thought about the tunings and the music in my head... but I didn't ever get around to actually playing them... which isn't the worst thing in the world, really. I'll make the time before Sunday. And hopefully round two of the clinics will go as smoothly as round one... and I'll get to hang with the goofy fellas and see a free show again, too.

I was hoping to possibly get to spend a little more time with someone this weekend... but it turns out they're not coming home... which... I can dig it... she's got priorities and responsibility (which is far more than I can say for most of our mutual acquaintances - not to mention a member or two of our respective families)... it would have been nice, because the time we spend is always time well spent... in my mind, anyway (and I would guess hers to some degree, too, or else we probably wouldn't have ever spent all those times hanging out, before)... but when you're getting a Masters degree, you should probably devote as much time to that process as possible - it's a pretty big deal... and I'm SURE it's a huge deal for her... so far be it from little ol' me to even think about interfering in something like that. There will be time, should she so choose... hopefully, when she has the time, she will so choose. :)

Ugh... I need to buy that freakin' house and get that mess all over with, too. No escrow, no big wait... just do it... and be done with it... and be happy (again) back in the old neighborhood.

Hmm... wow... what a nice night.

I mean, I was expecting everything to go nicely and stuff... but... it was really cool... Okay... I've known her for a long time... like, a really long time... and we've always been able to talk about absolutely anything... and we usually do. Tonight was no exception, either... but, there was this new thing about her... I don't know... like... "swagger," or something (to use a term that is poorly and far over/misused in today's vernacular). She was always smart (well, she is the only person I know... the ONLY person... from that part of this area that wasn't consumed with getting high and being a general loser), a little shy-ish acting, totally cute, really funny... a good person, all around... but this version... there's still a tiny little hint of that shyness, there (but I don't mean "wallflower" shy, or anything, I'm talking more like "careful who she opens up to" and such)... but it's become a bit more obvious that she's, like, really smart. She's really good at what she does... or what she's learning to do... or whatever. She hasn't aged a day... not a freakin' day... it's crazy... just... gorgeous. And there's this new thing... like, confidence, about her... I wouldn't exactly describe it as confidence nor remote cockiness, but just a sense of a very assured person, heading in a direction that she wants to head, doing the things that she needs to do to get there... Of course, we talked about a hundred different things, like we always do, and everything was really interesting and despite only having had a couple hours of sleep, today, my attention was riveted... 'cause it was all just so interesting. What she's doing for a living is so cool... and it takes a ton of patience, a lot of skill and a lot of fortitude just to even want to take on something that can be... well, incredibly challenging. I know I couldn't do it... as much as I would want to do something like that, I couldn't do it.

It was a great time... I knew it would be. Of course I did. lol Okay, so I didn't play as nervous as I might have been in the first five minutes... I had no reason to be, as would soon become well apparent. Even if I hadn't spent a lot of time with her in the last several years, we still knew a lot more about each other than a lot, if not most other people... I figured we might sit and talk for an hour or so... four hours later, it felt like there was still tons to talk about... but it was always that way. We could sit in the driveway until all hours of the night and just talk about anything that was on our minds and it never got old... ever. Worth every second. It was silly to even be remotely nervous about seeing her again after all this time... we're the same, great people we always were - lol - in some ways, even better... just maybe with a couple grey hairs, now... it was a really great time. I assure you.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

Someone I think is a really great person is coming into town tomorrow. I hope I can work it out where I can see her for a little while. I haven't seen her in a long time... the last time I had a chance to hang out with her, her uncle and I were still very, very close. Her uncle kinda weirded out on the pills and it became increasingly more difficult to hang out with him. I tried, because I wanted to make some good music with... but every time I tried to make it happen, there was always something else of more importance - the ever-maddening quest for pain pills. It became a bit futile to even address the possibility of doing music with him, anymore, because all everyone cared about was getting high... THEN maybe trying to play music, which really is stonewalled when you're under the influence of opium derivatives. The waning of that relationship kind of curtailed my opportunities to hang out with her... and honestly, that sucked... because, as I said, I really like her.

Anyhow, my mom's coming in town for a few days tomorrow, too... but it shouldn't be an issue to hang out with Ma on any other day, y'know? I want to see my friend. I think the last time I saw her was the morning I arrived back in town after moving back from Colorado. I've missed her... probably more than she knows, but that's not important. I need to do what I can to work it out so we can get together, somewhere. Doesn't matter where, doesn't matter what we do... I just want to see her...

Randy Quaid thinks that a hit squad killed Heath Ledger, Chris Penn and David Carradine, among others... and are now gunning for him (no pun intended). Despite a release order, he and his wife are currently still being held in Vancouver (where the couple fled, hoping to start a new life).

Poor guy... I guess his wife projected all of her odd paranoia onto him, resulting in what could possibly be defined as a case of folie à deux (shared psychosis).

No one really knows much, other than a strange string of rent-skipping and squatting in the guest house of a home formerly owned by him, but... well, I hope everything works out and he can get some help.

Didn't you hurt yourself?
Couldn't you wash the blood away?
Didn't you love yourself?

Couldn't you see the truth?
Didn't you wake to see the light?
Couldn't you hear the truth?

God, you're so shameless
Stand up to me, I know what you'll say.
God, you're so shameless
Why don't you wake up and stop all the pain?

How could you really know
as your blood flows,
the damage left inside?
If you should ever see
the pain in me,
you'd wish it away.

Didn't you hurt yourself?
Yeah
Didn't you love yourself?

Couldn't you find yourself?
Such a shame it's a waste of life
Couldn't you save yourself?

God, you're so shameless
Why don't you wake up and stop all the pain?

How could you really know
as your blood flows,
the damage left inside?
If you should ever see
the pain in me,
you'd wish it away.

Hate all the blood on my hands
and the sins that bleed from my soul
Take it all away,
make it go away

Stand up for being the last one to control
What you're seeing starts from being the last to know
Stand up for being the last one to control
But what you can't see is being the last one to know

Fade into a dream
Try and save me from myself, now
Save me from myself, now.
Fallen from the world
If I can ever breathe in the air,
maybe then I wouldn't suffocate.

Face all the things that were
real to me, long ago, to save my
Name, I never thought it would
be such a long way to fall

Stand up for being the last one to control
What you're seeing starts from being the last to know
Stand up for being the last one to control
But what you can't see is being the last one to know

Fade into a dream
Try and save me from myself, now
Save me from myself, now.
Fallen from the world
If I can ever breathe in the air,
maybe then I wouldn't suffocate.

Stand up for being the last one to fall...

Life is so funny... every time you think you have it licked... well, you don't.

I do what I can to try to make my life into what it needs to be... to have the things I deserve... it doesn't always go the way I want it to, but every now and then, something will happen, however large or small, that reminds me that it's all worth it.

I'm in the process of a few "somethings" that should make a HUGE difference in my quality of life... I can't expect all three things to pan out in my favor, immediately... but they can all pan out for me... and they honestly *should*... I deserve it. I've been working hard for a couple of them... and the third thing should just happen because it's one of those things that should be... y'know, "written in the stars" and all that good stuff... lol

Here's to hoping that the hard work pays off... and to not giving up on that which truly matters.

...not because you deserve it... but because it's right...

So, welcome back... for now... but if you fuck it up and so much as fart in the wrong direction... even once... well... yeah, you know the rest. It's all in your hands, now. Don't make people look stupid for giving you a chance.

I was thinking... I've been being a little hard on Junkie... I mean, he can't help who he is... well, he most definitely can help it, but... he just makes incredibly shitty choices... but... as much as I can seem so, I'm not completely heartless. I have compassion... but I have a pretty low tolerance for idiocy... especially from adults. A person has to know better... yet...

I've sat and watch people really, really close to me die, far too young, as a result of poor decisions. God knows, I've made plenty of bad choices on any number of topics... luckily, I usually realize my mistakes and do my best to learn from them. Yeah, most people say that, but not as many actually do. Yes... Junkie fucked up. He's let drugs and (not particularly very attractive) girls get the better of his judgment and his obligations to a group of people that need him around. It pissed a lot of people off... and I'm pretty sure that there's a guy I know that really wants to hurt him, now, because he just has to hit on anyone that says hello and smiles at him... friends/boyfriends be damned.

So, putting his inability to decide the best course of action aside, maybe Junkie needs a chance at redemption... but could he succeed? Well... good question. I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt... and it usually always reminds me why I have virtually no faith in humanity. His massive attention-craving, underfed ego... his desire to "conquest" (why he can't choose to pursue a girl who is actually single rather than always having to go after other people's (even his own "friends'") girlfriends)... combined with the desire to always be high will likely be his downfall. I have no idea why I talked Josh out of smearing him all over the pavement a while back... well, I didn't want to see Josh lose his job over something that was more of an issue between him and his (then-)girlfriend... but... I need to weigh the "help vs. harm."

As I've said before, there are times when he's not a bad guy... there are times when he's rather "normal," and tolerable and easy to be around and helpful and all that... but there are a lot of times when he's out of control... and I don't know if needing the good guy in him around is worth the chances of the bad guy showing up in its place.

Ehh... I don't know... maybe I should make a couple calls and hope for the best. Second chances are hard to come by... and I'm not saying he deserves it... but maybe he needs it... and if he blows it, it's his own fault... not anyone else's around him. He can't use his ex-wife or his kid or anything else as an excuse... it's all on him at that point...

Second chances are hard to get... I know if I had a second chance at a couple of things... well... yeah.

I don't know... maybe.

So long, junkie... for now, anyway...
Seems you went and got yourself in a pickle... not unlike the guy you loved to talk trash about, your ol' junkie "pal," Douchey.
Can you talk your way out of this one, this time? Oh, no... no, you can't.
Was it really that hard to just... just behave like an adult for a change?

Yeah, I'm engaging in a little schadenfreude... you deserve it, honestly. You couldn't just play it straight... you had to keep talking your shit about everyone... trying to bang their girlfriends as soon as they weren't around... you had to keep puffing your chest as if every woman in the free world should beg for you and your salmony chinpubes (by the way, the "women should be respected" speech you tried to pitch at Jay while the girlies were listenin'... well, the truth came out a couple seconds later BY YOUR OWN STUPID HAND (or mouth, as it were) and it went over like a fart in church, huh? Next time, maybe just look around and make sure the same girls you're trying to impress aren't standing right behind you before you start referencing their anatomy... dufus) You couldn't keep your habit under any kind of reasonable control (why couldn't you even wait to get off the lot, for cryin' out loud?). It was only a matter of time before you made the slip that would sink the party boat, and... well... look at you, now. Welcome to another page in the book of your goofy life... wasn't worth it, was it?

I'm not going to lie... there were some moments where being around you was just fine... you're not a completely horrible person when you put some effort into it... but maybe that was the problem... you were putting way too much effort into trying to be something you're not. You need to relax and take a deep breath of some really fresh air, sometime... you don't always have to have the biggest dick in the room all the time, y'know?

I'd say, "oops," but you knew what you were getting yourself into... most people do... you just weren't smart enough to get out.

Silly guy.