Life is good.

Actually... life is awesome.

All because of a big mistake I made twenty years ago... well, maybe not exactly "because" of the mistake, but if I hadn't made it, I wouldn't be where I am, today.

I left her because I knew I'd hurt her... possibly the most-noble thing a twenty-two year-old piece of shit could do. I knew it was a mistake as soon as I did it because I really liked her... it wasn't the typical "I like this girl" thing I was accustomed to... I guess that's why I did it... because I knew I'd hurt her. I had gotten out of a particularly shitty relationship a couple years prior... one that cost me my best friend, who really wasn't any kind of friend, at all, and left some pretty deep wounds that would take a long time to heal over. I was an angry guy... and I was going to reap a lot of victims along the way to heal.

Time marched on... one lousy relationship after another for twenty years... aimless... pointless. I had just given up. Too many scars.

Through the most chance of chances... out of the blue... there she is...

I couldn't drive by a few places in town without thinking about her... yeah, even after all this time... I would drive by these places, even after all these years, and her face would enter my head, immediately. I wondered how she was... if she was happy... if I hadn't done what I did all that time ago, if things could have been any different.

Through the most chance of chances... out of the blue... there she is...

I found her, again... well... she found me.
...and life is truly awesome. Truly.

She was a queen
Lost within a dream
Misconceived that he was fit to reign
Lies take victims
Separate them at the seams
Cause them to fall apart
Then move along to better things, now

She wants to fall in love, again
He's satisfied to own her

No time permits to open up
When you've been hiding thoughts so strong
She's been holding out for an angel to come along
No reply from the sky
But she just keeps looking up
She just keeps looking up, now

She'll never know love's true potential
Lost in the open wind
To his impatience
Never feeling they would fall apart
She let her feelings grow
To tears she'll never show, now

She wants to fall in love, again
Don't you know that
he's satisfied to own her.

Some days are worse than others
Some days I cannot feel a thing
Someday I might just prove you wrong
Something just might go my way...

So... before he left for overseas, my friend thought enough of my birthday to send me a fucking LES PAUL... I just about fell over on the spot. It was like, "What the fuck are these two huge boxes?" (case, too) - well, like I said, it was an amazing gift from an amazing cat.

Throw in the new Tascam 2488neo I got myself (I usually really don't get shit for my birthday, so I always get myself something and this year, I plunked down a nice chunk on a nice piece of gear)... and I have great big bowls of awesomeness.

I've been doing so much writing the last few months. A lot of it turns to shit... but it's still something... I still miss the muse... but I've turned the loss and anger and confusion and sadness and all that into tangible things that I can at least wrap my head around at times. It's better to get that all out, however I have to do it. Bottling it up felt like it just about killed me... but I still miss. It was pretty awesome in its chaos.

When will this all be over?
How come this never ends?
This room keeps closing in on me
Not much outside that I care to see
This pain could all be over
if I just blinked an eye
Keep holding on to some star that stops me from
washing the world away

Why can't I get through today?
Feelin' blind with only me to blame
Still I find I try to hide
Maybe in time I'll find my way

I find that no one understands me
I feel so all alone
Does anyone feel the way I do?
This pain could all be over
if I just blinked an eye
Keep holding on to some star that stops me from
washing the world away.

Okay... I have gotten to the point where I am absolutely done dealing with someone at work... yes... good ol' Junkie. I was able to deal with it all at first... the stupidity, the immaturity, the absolute disregard for anyone but himself... but it's gotten to the point to where he thinks he's an untouchable, now... because he's managed to lie his way out of all kinds of trouble. Whether I know the truth or not, it's not my responsibility to dole out his punishment for being such a douchebag... nor is it my responsibility to be his babysitter and watch everything he does at all times... I'd never get around to doing my job if all I did was sit and watch him, because he's constantly flaunting the rules that we all have to adhere to...

Well... I hate to say it, but I'm fed up to the point where I'm probably going to have to make him disappear... and I don't want that. I want him to realize what a complete piece of shit he's been... but I just do not see it happening of his own volition... and I hate it for him.

No more gold lights for the queen earth to keep you warm in your kingdoms
High on the waves you make for us
But not since you left have the waves come
The bar is dead and the rocket's rain is keeping you wet in your deathbed
So high on the waves you made for us
And not since you left have the waves come...

How neat.
I'm impressed...
How did you come to be so blessed?

You're a star.
You blaze...
out like a sharp machine...
Like a whale's moan...
Well I'm here, if that's what you want

Here we are
You're pins, I'm needles
Let's play...
Here we are
You want this?
Then come on...

Tune out everyone in the crowd
because now it's just me and you
Come fall in love with the sound
Make a pact to each other
when no one's around
Put the cross between me and you
Who wants to fuck with us now?

I gave in, last night... I shouldn't have... but there's still this... "thing." It's been a couple of years, now... and there's still this thing. I should know better... but I don't. I should know better than to reach out... but I do, anyway. I guess I'll always keep that spot in me alive... looking...

I'm used to it, now... It's all right.

bed

Laying in bed... on my phone... worn the hell out... Went to breakfast with Jim after work. It's good to have a close friend, there. That place makes me crazy, sometimes... even on easy nights.

Speaking of people that even me out... nah. Nevermind.

I went into work, last night... and it was my night off...

Ugh...

Yeah, that's what it's been like, lately... a little chaotic... sometimes, I just don't know my head from... well, you know.

So what did I do? I clocked out, rented three movies, came home... and promptly fell back asleep. Irritating.

In other news, I was originally going to start some work on a couple remixes of songs for a friend this week... but I've just got too much going on to pay it proper attention. I'm hoping to maybe get started on them in the next few weeks, perhaps. I'm still working on movie cues... because they're being really slow about filming their movie... which is fine by me... because I'm getting less into it the longer it drags on. I'm also restoring some old, damaged photos for some people. I've done lots of that over the years, but one of these photos is really damaged... to the point of having to do things like redraw clouds and things like that... okay so it won't be quite the "original" photos, but it'll be a shit-ton better than the things they gave me, anyway. And then, there's my never-ending quest to make music of my own... which comes and goes... currently, it's in the former stage... which is irritating, because I work way too much and when I get home, I don't get much time to spend on it... and then I do stupid shit like sleep my days off away...

One step closer to the new house... finally. Starting to get a little exciting. Upstairs is definitely office-worthy... and one section of the basement is already almost perfectly set up for music-related stuff... but there's two bedrooms on the main floor, already... one of which could easily be made into a main multimedia room... I think, anyway. After talking to Spanklin for a bit, wireless streaming throughout the house would be a cinch. Seeing as the eMac is already set up as my "jukebox" of sorts, just need a decent receiver and maybe something like a PS3 for Hulu Plus (which I thoroughly enjoy to the hilt) and Netflix... or even a Roku player would work. It would free up the computers for better things... but I have too many computers, as it is... using one as a dedicate server for the house wouldn't be the worst thing, I guess.

Blah blah blah... anyway... it's getting there. I realized it when I started looking through CB2 and IKEA catalogs. Feels pretty okay, yeah.

Grace is defined as "seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion."

Few people will ever see it, much less comprehend it when they do.

I've been falling asleep to this album for years... it's a "never-fail."



You make that dance look so new
And I'm on a face like you've never seen
I'm yours, tonight,
So come on

Light up the stage
So we can all take off anywhere
We'll never come back, ever

You wear that cast so cool
And I'm on a face like you've never seen
before, around,
So come on

Light up the stage
So we can all take off anywhere
We'll never come back, ever

Right on the stage
You picture all of us everywhere
We'll never come back, ever.

Can you explain to me how
you're so evil?
How?
It's too late for me, now,
There's a hole in the earth,
I'm out...

Can you explain to me, now,
if you're still able...
well it's time
I think you know the truth,
There's a hole in the earth,
I'm out...

I hate all of my friends
They all lack taste, sometimes
There's a hole in the earth,
I'm out
There's a hole in the earth
Please take a bow...

This is the end,
somewhere...

There's a hole in the earth
I hate all of my friends,
I'm out.

This girl has some pipes... can't hardly stand to look at the rest of the band, though... kinda like Paramore... I've debated buying this CD for about six months, now... still dunno.

Chino vs. Pizza... pizza won. ;)



I hate all my friends...
They all lack taste, sometimes...

Probably my fave from the latest album.

This is how I'll always remember him, I guess... a lot more hair. lol

poem to myself

I have said that the soul is not more than the body
And I have said that the body is not more than the soul
And nothing, not god, is greater than one’s own self is
And whoever walks a furlong without sympathy walks to his own funeral drest in his shroud….
I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable
I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.
The last scud of the day holds back for me,
It flings my likeness after the rest and true as any on the shadow’d wilds,
It coaxes me to the vapor and the dusk.
I depart as air, I shake my white locks at the runaway sun,
I effuse my flesh in eddies and drift it in lacy jags.
I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love,
If you want me again look for me under your boot-soles.
You will hardly know who I am or what I mean,
But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,
And filter and fibre to your blood.
Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
Missing me one place search another,
I stop somewhere waiting for you.

I can remember how, when I was younger, I was so politics-crazy; I was so "into" it, all... I got a little older and saw how everything was going and began to doubt different things... and I sit here, now, and... I'm not "jaded" by any means... the correct term is "sickened." None of it makes any sense, anymore. It's such a clusterfuck to try to get anything done that will benefit "we, the people..." but I guess I figured it out a little while back - it has nothing to do with "we, the people," anymore. Yeah, "tea party" douchetastics will go to almost any means to try to force a truly-twisted vision down the throats of the people... and the left is no better, by any means. I have been, and always will be, a registered independent, because I will vote for the people I believe will do the best job, no matter their political alliance. Let's face it, politicians are just puppets used to push someone else's agendas (and rarely ever their own or even one that they would agree with, personally). When it comes down to it, South Park put it quite succinctly - it's always gonna be a choice between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. I still believe, though, that if you don't vote, then you relinquish your right to complain when things don't go the way you want it. I would sit with a group of friends and they would talk about how bad this or that was in the city/country/etc., and my first statement would usually always be, "Did you vote? You didn't? Well, then shut it." I still feel that way, but I'm a whole lot less likely to say anything, anymore... 'cause hey, it's all fucked up... it's always been fucked up... it's always going to be fucked up... it's nothing new... and getting older by the minute.

Grr... I wish buying a house didn't have to be so goofy and complicated... it's like, "Hey, I want your house... here's some money..." and that should be it... seriously. I'm not going to be dealing with escrow, land contracts, blah blah blah... I'm buying the fucking thing, and that's it. I want the house... here's some money, damnit.

I was working on some of the music for the collaborations I've been working on and I was digging around for some samples to cut into one of the breaks and I came upon a folder on one of my hard drives that had all this music on it... like, music I had totally forgotten I had recorded... most of it from '07-'08... really wild. Some of it was pretty cool. I sent a couple tracks on to one of my musical cohorts/heroes/partners... just like, "No clue where it came from, but check it out." He was pretty impressed, apparently. I just got an email back from him asking how I could "forget about such awesome shit." lol Well, good sir, it's pretty easy, sometimes... sadly.

I guess I should revisit some of them. Sadly, I don't have (or at least can't locate) the individual tracks to import back into the recording software to go from there... but... I did it all once... should be able to do it all, again... but this time, maybe with a little more proper dedication and purpose.

I also need to get my acoustic back out... she's been neglected the past few and she needs some attention... perhaps that's what I'll do tonight, after dinner...

After working thirteen out of the last fourteen... my body just kinda shut down. I don't expect people that haven't done it to know what its like... but it's not easy working nights. It takes a special kind of person... and having the pressure of being "the boss" and having to make all kinds of decisions that affect a business that does a million dollars a week, consistently, and have everything just go smooth as silk... well... it doesn't. It's not easy to do my job... and to do it on a night shift... makes it extra-special cruddy, sometimes. Thirteen out of fourteen days is really rough... throw in the fact that we've got a new big boss in the store and we've been doing extra stuff to make sure that he's happy and all that... then throw in that this was inventory week (a level of Hell that I wouldn't wish on most enemies)... I got home yesterday morning and, like I said, my body just shut down... I got up to pee once... but other than that, I was dead to the world. Wasn't meaning to... I'm sure I pissed a couple people off and my mom called entirely too many times, likely trying to get me to go out and eat... but I didn't want food... I didn't want anything... except sleep... and it was awesome... to just sprawl out and zonk out... not having to set alarms (which I hadn't been hearing very well, lately, due to all the intensity at work just frazzling me to no end)... not doing anything but sleeping. I slept so deep, that I don't remember dreaming about anything, at all (yes, I know I dreamed stuff - you always do - but the depth of my sleep didn't allow for me to remotely be a part of them... which was a bit of a relief of its own). I won't lie... it was awesome.

I've always had people try to get on my case about not wanting to go out and do things on my days off... which I will, sometimes, but... I mean, I try to explain to them, "Take your day, and flip it twelve hours and then see how it goes for ya... and then do what could be considered an extremely strenuous job (both physically and mentally) and see what you feel like doing on your days off." I've heard every argument trying to tell me that I should be just like everyone else and function just like everyone else... but seriously... just try it... and then try to give me grief. Hell, some of 'em should just try working, period...

But anyway... the rest (finally) was great... super-duper, even.

Man... I've got, like, a HUGE secret about someone... and I'm absolutely going crazy wanting to tell a couple other people that probably would really appreciate knowing... but as it stands, I'm the only person that knows said secret... and I promised them I wouldn't say a word... and, I mean, I'm not gonna tell anyone, because I'm cool like that, but... damnit. These people kinda deserve to know... but I can't tell them... AND it would probably be a much classier move in the first place to hear it from the actual person... like, potentially earth-rocking shit... and if this person doesn't tell them said secret, the ramifications are potentially even worse... but... before I even knew what was going on, I promised I wouldn't tell... and I don't see myself going back on it... part of that whole "trust" issue... but... they should know.

...but they won't hear it from me.

As much as I love snow, I'm tiring of the nasty temperatures... Summer was early and hotter than shit... Fall was early and very short... Winter came early and has been... well, pretty typical for the last few years... but will Spring come early? Doubting it... we still have February to deal with - typically the colder of the Winter months. I seriously love snow... I can sit and watch it fall all night long. I love to drive in it... but the ice and the bitter cold and the people that panic every time an inch of snow falls and drive like horrendous assholes, I can totally do without.

Totally.

unhappiness

I was gathered with some friends the other day... we were all childhood friends and friends with a guy that had passed away that morning (drugs... again... go figure). But we were talking about different things about how life was when we were all growing up and how we had hoped it would be when we got older and all that... y'know, all relating to the path our friend's life had taken in adulthood that ultimately led to his demise and such... but I went to eat with one of them who I have always remained pretty close with after all the years. We were eating and talking about how Todd was going to get married to one of our other friend's little sisters... and I started talking to him about his marriage and such. He married his high school sweetheart and all was wonderful in his life... or so I thought. As it would turn out, he had been living a pretty big lie... after all this time, I thought he was happily-married... but he would go on to tell me how he really hasn't been happy since he got married all those years ago... and it really struck me as odd... because... I mean, why would you live a life you weren't happy in, or at least trying to make it happy, anyway? He said he had tried to make it into something he could be happy with, but it never materialized... So, my question to him was simply, "Why stay in the marriage?" Seriously, why? He got married pretty young, and after he realized it wasn't what he wanted... instead of doing the right thing for both people and ending the mistake, he stuck with it... and has been, well I won't say "miserable," but "unhappy" with his life since, anyway. Now, I didn't sit there and try to talk him into divorcing his wife, or anything... but... all the things that he wanted to do with his life and didn't do because he married the wrong person and wasn't strong enough to admit the mistake and move on... all the dreams that were stolen from him because he was trying to make his family happy instead of himself... He had always seemed like the guy that wouldn't let anyone tell him how to live... but... man... I dunno... it kinda hurt me a little bit. I didn't lose any respect for him or anything but... I mean, how could he waste so much of a great life he was working for... waste one day more than he needed to in a marriage that he wasn't happy in... it's still really hard to wrap my head around. I guess he played the part he needed to play to make those around him happy... at the expense of his own happiness... Unforgivable? No... but... damnit man... you're such a good guy, for cryin' out loud! Live YOUR life... while you still can!

Damn.

Rest in peace, Todd.

As much as I could say I knew it was coming, it doesn't make it any less saddening. When you were good, you were great... and when you were not-so-good, I still loved ya.

...just love this.

A couple days off... was good for the soul. No, I really didn't do much of anything... worked on some more cues for the movie that never ends... okay, I'm being a little harsh... they've done reshoots, recasting and such, but that hasn't really affected my duties. I'm just writing some music... but considering how long they've been working on the project... well, it's kinda good for me, because I'm not really under any pressure, time-wise... which is good, because I don't have tons of time to work on it. It'll get done, though. They've liked what I've done, thus far, and have given me pretty much free reign to do as I will... I've only had to completely redo a couple of cues because, after watching the scenes they were for, they just didn't "flow" right. An easy enough fix... just write new shit, y'know? It's not like I'm writing complex, intricate opuses... thirty seconds here, a minute there... I will be doing a couple "themes," though... which are based off of a couple of the cues... to tie it all together. They're not paying me much of anything, so I don't feel that kind of pressure, either... I guess they only have a few more weekends of "principal photography" to do and then some incidental stuff. It will be nice to kind of get it over with, though... not because I don't like what I'm doing - I like it very much, but as silly as it may sound, working with these guys has been a bit tricky because they haven't really put me on any type of schedule... which, while it makes it easy for me to work on it when I feel like it, I'd kind of rather be on a little more of a leash on it... it would force me to pay attention and work hard on it in longer stretches. It kinda sounds a little contradictory to the "I'm glad I don't have to work on it all the time" statement, earlier, but I work better under pressure - when I have to force myself to get things done the best I can... but... whatever. It'll get done, and it'll be over with and I can move on to other things.

The other musical collaborations I'm doing are much more what I'm into, at the moment. It's one of those things I wish wouldn't come to an end because it's really fun project and I'm working with a guy that's really awesome in his own right and it has the likelihood of being heard by a lot more people. And I'm playing a little guitar on it, too, which I wasn't planning on doing at first... but I was encouraged to contribute something that way and by crackie, I'm not gonna turn down that kind of an offer... We'll see how it shapes up in February.

The faith was lost and splintered, now
You gave up somewhere along the way...

So... Welcome to 2011...

Here we are, five days in and there's birds falling out of the sky... already been around 160 murders in the US... but I guess that's nothing compared to 500+ in India, so far... $750+ MILLION DOLLARS has already been spent in the US on the "war on drugs." Are you fucking kidding me? That's roughly $1,600 PER SECOND... and what have they reaped, thus far? Well, I don't know, but it sure as hell isn't worth the money... roughly, already 25,100 people have been arrested in the US for drug offenses... in the first five days of the year. That's about one person every twenty seconds... by the time I'm done writing this, thirty people will be arrested for drugs. Is it overzealousness of the "drug war," or is the US really riddled with nothing but a bunch of junkies? Well, probably a bit of both, actually... but, c'mon... the "war on drugs" is ridiculous... and irritating to read about. Yeah, drugs are illegal for a reason and all... but fifty billion dollars a year (on federal and state levels combined) to do basically nothing but put people in jail (granted, many that deserve it, but many more who need something entirely different)? C'mon. And to think that there are things out there that do just as much damage, physically and emotionally (read: alcohol), that are legal, that doesn't get essentially any money thrown at... kind of sickening, really.

I so do not get it.

Anyhow... 2011 has had a pretty good start for me, personally, I suppose. Musically, things have really stepped up, a wonderful carry-over from what seemed to be an awesome second half of 2010... the film I've been scoring is almost finished... I'm writing rock music, again... I'm writing not-so-rock music, again... I'm writing acoustic music, again... I'm working with some absolutely great people on music that is just really great to write and play and record and collaborate and... well, it's just really fun, again. I think a lot of it has to do with the people I'm collaborating with... and the fact that they want to collaborate with me is awesome beyond words. To think that it all started with a "hey, how have you been since I last saw you about fifteen years ago" message... then a meet up and hilarious bit of shopping in NY in August... and the phone calls and emails... and before you know it, bang... doing guitar clinics and writing music together... which leads to more hookups with more awesome music folk... which... man... the possibilities are really opening up for awesome things in the future... Work is finally to the point where I wanted it to be... everyone seems to work pretty well for me, which was important. If they all would just lay down and fuck off, I would have to be a prick... which I'm sure will happen in the future (I can already see a couple situations that will not go on much longer) and I really want to avoid that... they already have one of those to deal with, but in the meantime, the good workers still work, the naggers still nag... such is life. lol ... I've got my house choices narrowed down to a very small list... I don't think the one in my old neighborhood is going to pan out to be the best choice - not enough house for the money they want... the other one from the guy at work, though... it's shaping up, nicely... very nicely, indeed. There's also one right up from Ragu that's really nice, too... wouldn't be a bad thing having him as a neighbor, either... I know a lot of people don't like him, or whatever... but he's my friend, we hang out outside of work and all that... and he'd make for a good neighbor in the land of possibilities of completely shitty neighbors to end up having.

Hopefully this year will be an up year on the personal end of the spectrum, as well... I just want what I want... I can't help it. It's just how it is... no denial, no fighting... just how it is.