This girl has some pipes... can't hardly stand to look at the rest of the band, though... kinda like Paramore... I've debated buying this CD for about six months, now... still dunno.

Chino vs. Pizza... pizza won. ;)



I hate all my friends...
They all lack taste, sometimes...

Probably my fave from the latest album.

This is how I'll always remember him, I guess... a lot more hair. lol

poem to myself

I have said that the soul is not more than the body
And I have said that the body is not more than the soul
And nothing, not god, is greater than one’s own self is
And whoever walks a furlong without sympathy walks to his own funeral drest in his shroud….
I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable
I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.
The last scud of the day holds back for me,
It flings my likeness after the rest and true as any on the shadow’d wilds,
It coaxes me to the vapor and the dusk.
I depart as air, I shake my white locks at the runaway sun,
I effuse my flesh in eddies and drift it in lacy jags.
I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love,
If you want me again look for me under your boot-soles.
You will hardly know who I am or what I mean,
But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,
And filter and fibre to your blood.
Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
Missing me one place search another,
I stop somewhere waiting for you.

I can remember how, when I was younger, I was so politics-crazy; I was so "into" it, all... I got a little older and saw how everything was going and began to doubt different things... and I sit here, now, and... I'm not "jaded" by any means... the correct term is "sickened." None of it makes any sense, anymore. It's such a clusterfuck to try to get anything done that will benefit "we, the people..." but I guess I figured it out a little while back - it has nothing to do with "we, the people," anymore. Yeah, "tea party" douchetastics will go to almost any means to try to force a truly-twisted vision down the throats of the people... and the left is no better, by any means. I have been, and always will be, a registered independent, because I will vote for the people I believe will do the best job, no matter their political alliance. Let's face it, politicians are just puppets used to push someone else's agendas (and rarely ever their own or even one that they would agree with, personally). When it comes down to it, South Park put it quite succinctly - it's always gonna be a choice between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. I still believe, though, that if you don't vote, then you relinquish your right to complain when things don't go the way you want it. I would sit with a group of friends and they would talk about how bad this or that was in the city/country/etc., and my first statement would usually always be, "Did you vote? You didn't? Well, then shut it." I still feel that way, but I'm a whole lot less likely to say anything, anymore... 'cause hey, it's all fucked up... it's always been fucked up... it's always going to be fucked up... it's nothing new... and getting older by the minute.

Grr... I wish buying a house didn't have to be so goofy and complicated... it's like, "Hey, I want your house... here's some money..." and that should be it... seriously. I'm not going to be dealing with escrow, land contracts, blah blah blah... I'm buying the fucking thing, and that's it. I want the house... here's some money, damnit.

I was working on some of the music for the collaborations I've been working on and I was digging around for some samples to cut into one of the breaks and I came upon a folder on one of my hard drives that had all this music on it... like, music I had totally forgotten I had recorded... most of it from '07-'08... really wild. Some of it was pretty cool. I sent a couple tracks on to one of my musical cohorts/heroes/partners... just like, "No clue where it came from, but check it out." He was pretty impressed, apparently. I just got an email back from him asking how I could "forget about such awesome shit." lol Well, good sir, it's pretty easy, sometimes... sadly.

I guess I should revisit some of them. Sadly, I don't have (or at least can't locate) the individual tracks to import back into the recording software to go from there... but... I did it all once... should be able to do it all, again... but this time, maybe with a little more proper dedication and purpose.

I also need to get my acoustic back out... she's been neglected the past few and she needs some attention... perhaps that's what I'll do tonight, after dinner...

After working thirteen out of the last fourteen... my body just kinda shut down. I don't expect people that haven't done it to know what its like... but it's not easy working nights. It takes a special kind of person... and having the pressure of being "the boss" and having to make all kinds of decisions that affect a business that does a million dollars a week, consistently, and have everything just go smooth as silk... well... it doesn't. It's not easy to do my job... and to do it on a night shift... makes it extra-special cruddy, sometimes. Thirteen out of fourteen days is really rough... throw in the fact that we've got a new big boss in the store and we've been doing extra stuff to make sure that he's happy and all that... then throw in that this was inventory week (a level of Hell that I wouldn't wish on most enemies)... I got home yesterday morning and, like I said, my body just shut down... I got up to pee once... but other than that, I was dead to the world. Wasn't meaning to... I'm sure I pissed a couple people off and my mom called entirely too many times, likely trying to get me to go out and eat... but I didn't want food... I didn't want anything... except sleep... and it was awesome... to just sprawl out and zonk out... not having to set alarms (which I hadn't been hearing very well, lately, due to all the intensity at work just frazzling me to no end)... not doing anything but sleeping. I slept so deep, that I don't remember dreaming about anything, at all (yes, I know I dreamed stuff - you always do - but the depth of my sleep didn't allow for me to remotely be a part of them... which was a bit of a relief of its own). I won't lie... it was awesome.

I've always had people try to get on my case about not wanting to go out and do things on my days off... which I will, sometimes, but... I mean, I try to explain to them, "Take your day, and flip it twelve hours and then see how it goes for ya... and then do what could be considered an extremely strenuous job (both physically and mentally) and see what you feel like doing on your days off." I've heard every argument trying to tell me that I should be just like everyone else and function just like everyone else... but seriously... just try it... and then try to give me grief. Hell, some of 'em should just try working, period...

But anyway... the rest (finally) was great... super-duper, even.

Man... I've got, like, a HUGE secret about someone... and I'm absolutely going crazy wanting to tell a couple other people that probably would really appreciate knowing... but as it stands, I'm the only person that knows said secret... and I promised them I wouldn't say a word... and, I mean, I'm not gonna tell anyone, because I'm cool like that, but... damnit. These people kinda deserve to know... but I can't tell them... AND it would probably be a much classier move in the first place to hear it from the actual person... like, potentially earth-rocking shit... and if this person doesn't tell them said secret, the ramifications are potentially even worse... but... before I even knew what was going on, I promised I wouldn't tell... and I don't see myself going back on it... part of that whole "trust" issue... but... they should know.

...but they won't hear it from me.

As much as I love snow, I'm tiring of the nasty temperatures... Summer was early and hotter than shit... Fall was early and very short... Winter came early and has been... well, pretty typical for the last few years... but will Spring come early? Doubting it... we still have February to deal with - typically the colder of the Winter months. I seriously love snow... I can sit and watch it fall all night long. I love to drive in it... but the ice and the bitter cold and the people that panic every time an inch of snow falls and drive like horrendous assholes, I can totally do without.

Totally.

unhappiness

I was gathered with some friends the other day... we were all childhood friends and friends with a guy that had passed away that morning (drugs... again... go figure). But we were talking about different things about how life was when we were all growing up and how we had hoped it would be when we got older and all that... y'know, all relating to the path our friend's life had taken in adulthood that ultimately led to his demise and such... but I went to eat with one of them who I have always remained pretty close with after all the years. We were eating and talking about how Todd was going to get married to one of our other friend's little sisters... and I started talking to him about his marriage and such. He married his high school sweetheart and all was wonderful in his life... or so I thought. As it would turn out, he had been living a pretty big lie... after all this time, I thought he was happily-married... but he would go on to tell me how he really hasn't been happy since he got married all those years ago... and it really struck me as odd... because... I mean, why would you live a life you weren't happy in, or at least trying to make it happy, anyway? He said he had tried to make it into something he could be happy with, but it never materialized... So, my question to him was simply, "Why stay in the marriage?" Seriously, why? He got married pretty young, and after he realized it wasn't what he wanted... instead of doing the right thing for both people and ending the mistake, he stuck with it... and has been, well I won't say "miserable," but "unhappy" with his life since, anyway. Now, I didn't sit there and try to talk him into divorcing his wife, or anything... but... all the things that he wanted to do with his life and didn't do because he married the wrong person and wasn't strong enough to admit the mistake and move on... all the dreams that were stolen from him because he was trying to make his family happy instead of himself... He had always seemed like the guy that wouldn't let anyone tell him how to live... but... man... I dunno... it kinda hurt me a little bit. I didn't lose any respect for him or anything but... I mean, how could he waste so much of a great life he was working for... waste one day more than he needed to in a marriage that he wasn't happy in... it's still really hard to wrap my head around. I guess he played the part he needed to play to make those around him happy... at the expense of his own happiness... Unforgivable? No... but... damnit man... you're such a good guy, for cryin' out loud! Live YOUR life... while you still can!

Damn.

Rest in peace, Todd.

As much as I could say I knew it was coming, it doesn't make it any less saddening. When you were good, you were great... and when you were not-so-good, I still loved ya.

...just love this.

A couple days off... was good for the soul. No, I really didn't do much of anything... worked on some more cues for the movie that never ends... okay, I'm being a little harsh... they've done reshoots, recasting and such, but that hasn't really affected my duties. I'm just writing some music... but considering how long they've been working on the project... well, it's kinda good for me, because I'm not really under any pressure, time-wise... which is good, because I don't have tons of time to work on it. It'll get done, though. They've liked what I've done, thus far, and have given me pretty much free reign to do as I will... I've only had to completely redo a couple of cues because, after watching the scenes they were for, they just didn't "flow" right. An easy enough fix... just write new shit, y'know? It's not like I'm writing complex, intricate opuses... thirty seconds here, a minute there... I will be doing a couple "themes," though... which are based off of a couple of the cues... to tie it all together. They're not paying me much of anything, so I don't feel that kind of pressure, either... I guess they only have a few more weekends of "principal photography" to do and then some incidental stuff. It will be nice to kind of get it over with, though... not because I don't like what I'm doing - I like it very much, but as silly as it may sound, working with these guys has been a bit tricky because they haven't really put me on any type of schedule... which, while it makes it easy for me to work on it when I feel like it, I'd kind of rather be on a little more of a leash on it... it would force me to pay attention and work hard on it in longer stretches. It kinda sounds a little contradictory to the "I'm glad I don't have to work on it all the time" statement, earlier, but I work better under pressure - when I have to force myself to get things done the best I can... but... whatever. It'll get done, and it'll be over with and I can move on to other things.

The other musical collaborations I'm doing are much more what I'm into, at the moment. It's one of those things I wish wouldn't come to an end because it's really fun project and I'm working with a guy that's really awesome in his own right and it has the likelihood of being heard by a lot more people. And I'm playing a little guitar on it, too, which I wasn't planning on doing at first... but I was encouraged to contribute something that way and by crackie, I'm not gonna turn down that kind of an offer... We'll see how it shapes up in February.

The faith was lost and splintered, now
You gave up somewhere along the way...

So... Welcome to 2011...

Here we are, five days in and there's birds falling out of the sky... already been around 160 murders in the US... but I guess that's nothing compared to 500+ in India, so far... $750+ MILLION DOLLARS has already been spent in the US on the "war on drugs." Are you fucking kidding me? That's roughly $1,600 PER SECOND... and what have they reaped, thus far? Well, I don't know, but it sure as hell isn't worth the money... roughly, already 25,100 people have been arrested in the US for drug offenses... in the first five days of the year. That's about one person every twenty seconds... by the time I'm done writing this, thirty people will be arrested for drugs. Is it overzealousness of the "drug war," or is the US really riddled with nothing but a bunch of junkies? Well, probably a bit of both, actually... but, c'mon... the "war on drugs" is ridiculous... and irritating to read about. Yeah, drugs are illegal for a reason and all... but fifty billion dollars a year (on federal and state levels combined) to do basically nothing but put people in jail (granted, many that deserve it, but many more who need something entirely different)? C'mon. And to think that there are things out there that do just as much damage, physically and emotionally (read: alcohol), that are legal, that doesn't get essentially any money thrown at... kind of sickening, really.

I so do not get it.

Anyhow... 2011 has had a pretty good start for me, personally, I suppose. Musically, things have really stepped up, a wonderful carry-over from what seemed to be an awesome second half of 2010... the film I've been scoring is almost finished... I'm writing rock music, again... I'm writing not-so-rock music, again... I'm writing acoustic music, again... I'm working with some absolutely great people on music that is just really great to write and play and record and collaborate and... well, it's just really fun, again. I think a lot of it has to do with the people I'm collaborating with... and the fact that they want to collaborate with me is awesome beyond words. To think that it all started with a "hey, how have you been since I last saw you about fifteen years ago" message... then a meet up and hilarious bit of shopping in NY in August... and the phone calls and emails... and before you know it, bang... doing guitar clinics and writing music together... which leads to more hookups with more awesome music folk... which... man... the possibilities are really opening up for awesome things in the future... Work is finally to the point where I wanted it to be... everyone seems to work pretty well for me, which was important. If they all would just lay down and fuck off, I would have to be a prick... which I'm sure will happen in the future (I can already see a couple situations that will not go on much longer) and I really want to avoid that... they already have one of those to deal with, but in the meantime, the good workers still work, the naggers still nag... such is life. lol ... I've got my house choices narrowed down to a very small list... I don't think the one in my old neighborhood is going to pan out to be the best choice - not enough house for the money they want... the other one from the guy at work, though... it's shaping up, nicely... very nicely, indeed. There's also one right up from Ragu that's really nice, too... wouldn't be a bad thing having him as a neighbor, either... I know a lot of people don't like him, or whatever... but he's my friend, we hang out outside of work and all that... and he'd make for a good neighbor in the land of possibilities of completely shitty neighbors to end up having.

Hopefully this year will be an up year on the personal end of the spectrum, as well... I just want what I want... I can't help it. It's just how it is... no denial, no fighting... just how it is.

The wait is over.
Things get more difficult... but it's all for the better.

I so do not enjoy being sick... not that anyone would... but... wow, has this been a bad one. And to think I've been crazy enough to work through it... "crazy" is the word for it. This is the first day in over a week where I didn't come home from work and jump straight into bed and hack my brains out for several hours... but I'm still going to go to bed, now... because it's much warmer and comfier there than sitting here in front of this thing.

Bleh.
BLEH...

I

There are those that say that I should be angry... in fact, there are a lot of those... not that I've sat and talked to a lot of people about it... I haven't... but many people seem to know the story. Many have a similar story that they can tell without having to expose mine... and save two people, no one has heard the real story from my lips... but their natural reaction is anger... and I guess I can understand that... from them... but that's not how I feel about it. Nothing hurts quite like losing something that matters... you may not have always handled it in the best way, but you know what it meant to you to be a part of. You can't always see over the walls, but you know the things you did mattered... every little thing. Every breath in their presence was a breath of life you couldn't know without them.

Am I hurt? Who wouldn't be? Am I angry? As much as others would try to persuade me that it's the right way to feel... I'm not. I know what it was like to beat a pretty intense demon with their help... albeit too late to have made things more proper between us... but... I owe them better of me than to ever be angry about things. I was lucky... luckier than most could ever be. Whatever their reasons for feeling the way they feel about me now... so be it, I suppose. Perhaps I'll have to live with never knowing...