I kinda forgot about this song for a while... but I was going through some albums this morning and was like, "Oh, yeah... that girl can sing."

I don't suppose
you ever thought of me as your universe,
so forgive me if I start to say too much.
I hit the ground,
you failed to pick me up
and that's what hurts the worst.

And every end is finished with a fall,
It's such an ugly word
that's rolling off your tongue.

And hating you
just seems so much easier than
saying to you,
you're all I ever wanted, and
you loved yourself
way more than I ever knew.
You're my suicide
Now say goodbye,
say goodbye
to me.

And I give up,
You right a wrong, while you
hate everything that I say so much
Now you've left me twisted and torn
It's hard for me to hide
the pain in my face
when you walk through the door,
anymore.

And every end is finished with a fall,
It's such an ugly word
that's rolling off your tongue.

...You go and lock the door
and hide me from the world...

And hating you
just seems so much easier than
saying to you,
you're all I ever wanted...

You're my suicide,
my suicide...

It's just one of those things, y'know? No matter what they'll try to tell themselves to attempt to make it go away... he's always gonna be there... forever... and one of these days... sooner than they believe possible... they'll look up and say, "What if...?" And the answer will be, "You'll see..." and they'll try to keep fighting what they know... but it won't matter... it's not under their control, no matter what they think they can do about it.

He was there... He saw it with his own two eyes. He knows what remains... no matter what they'll try to tell themselves.

They thought they felt good then? Just wait... they have no idea the levels of real happiness they're capable of... only if they just believe the truth and trust in what really matters.

And it will be worth it... so much so... for both of them.

As much of an awesome thing that it is... buying a house is kind of a bitch... yeah, I already kind of have a "house..." that I can't move into, yet... there's adding-on to do, geothermal to be laid... lots of things to do before it's "home sweet home," I guess... but... I'm tired of paying rent for a tiny apartment and having nothing to show for it... so... I've been looking around... had a list from the net... nothing really jumped out as awesome, or even potentially awesome. So I did the thing you're supposed to do... I drove around. All I can say is -

jackpot.

Could I possibly be moving back to the ol' stomping ground? Looks that way. Amazing.

Big thanks to Jimmy & Linda for the tip.

something

There's something I want to say... need to...

and I can't... because you won't let me...

because you hate me.

I did everything I could do to protect you... and all the while, you didn't even know it... I did everything I could... not that you would ask... but you needed it.

I just needed to square everything up... to let you know... but I couldn't... you wouldn't let me... Well, look at me, now.

...because you hate me.

I don't fit in...

I've tried.

I'm not talking about the cliched "fitting in" that you're thinking of... and I'm not talking all whiny and shit, either... like, in a "bad" way, or whatever.

I like who I am... it's difficult to be who I am... but I is what I am.

I'm just a different kind... and it doesn't work.

There's a new girl at work... all of the sudden this is what it's like... Chester the Junkie walks around all puffy-chested like his old partner in crime, Douchey... it's ridiculous.

why

All this time later... and I still just cannot get it all out of my system. As much as I want to say, "I just don't get it" - I totally get it... as mind-numbingly ridiculous as it may be.

Why? As complicated as the answer may want to be, it's actually quite simple.

...and it really makes me happy, even if I can't live it.

I was gone for a week... and I came back to... exactly the same thing I left... I would have figured something might have changed, even ever-so-slightly, for the better... but no... the same stupid crap... a bunch of adults acting like fourth graders.

Grr... I hate this fucking place.

Ugh... so tired...
Nothing new...

Looking for my energy...

Where are you?

WHERE ARE YOU?

I wish...

I don't wish that often...

but... I wish.

mumble

Wake me up... I'm tired of being asleep.

beauty school

I like you when,
When you take off your face
You put away all your teeth
and take us way underneath

'Cause you could die if you take it alone...

I watch you taste it...
I see your face
and I know I'm alive.
You're shooting stars
from the barrel of your eyes...
And it drives me crazy,
just drives me wild.

I kinda like you when,
When you make up the reel
You take the phone in your room,
Stop the tape or resume...

Well you could try if you think it will load...

I watch you taste it...
I see your face
and I know I'm alive.
You're shooting stars
from the barrel of your eyes...
And it drives me crazy,
it drives me wild.

Every time...
every time... you drive me wild
It's a beautiful ride...
Wild...
It's a beautiful ride...

Mobile Blogging from here.

Someone told me this, once.

Oops... sorry to hear that you're gonna have to stay home from work for a few days against your wishes... gonna cut into the ol' dope funds a li'l bit. Kinda hard to "woo the ladies" when you don't have the cash for the pills... oh, wait, you "get the girls with just the haircut and the juggalo tattoo," right? (I honestly can't believe some of the crap that comes outta your mouth, sometimes... but at least you were right about something... the "girls" part... funky bags and little girls... I wish I was so smooth.)

Hope it was worth it.

I relate to your kind,
your design,
Your devotion to wave
Get your brain on the prize
then dive inside...

the mindset of a killer
with your mind out of phase.

It's a game that we like,
we crave yet nobody wins
Any way you decide,
you try but you die...

The mindset of a killer
With your gaze you paint the room
blood red with tears pouring
from the stage.

And you can't stop, now
rung by rung, almost out
Covered in black and gold
No one cares and no one knows

My gift to the world outside,
It's okay, I'm all right
Now open your empty hands
'cause here comes the fun,
here comes the end

Click "erase the device,"
Give thanks, then
clear out the room
Blow kisses, wave them goodbye...
Goodnight,

Mindset of a killer...
With your gaze you paint the room
blood red with tears pouring
from the stage.

And you can't stop, now
rung by rung, almost out
Covered in black and gold
No one cares and no one knows

My gift to the world outside,
It's okay, I'm all right
Now open your empty hands
'cause here comes the fun...

Here comes the end.

...one chance, one kiss,
One taste of you, my Magdalena

I bear witness to this place,
This prayer, so long forgotten
So pure, so rare
to witness such an earthly goddess...

Some people are, to use someone else's words, complete fuckasses.

I'm about this close |<->|...

I'm sick of hearing the stories... the endless stories of the absolutely retarded escapades of a child... There's a reason I chose to remove myself from all the bullshit that is my work... I guess it was done first as a means to rid myself of some unwanted crap regarding someone very special to me... and it sort of evolved into ridding myself of ALL the unwanted crap. I show up, I talk to my friends, I don't talk to the "non-friends," I take my breaks alone, I eat alone, I leave. I don't pay attention to all the stupid gossip about all the idiots that work, there... but it's hard to "turn off" when a grown man openly admits to sleeping with thirteen year-olds... the same guy that used to make fun of Douchey for chasing fourteen year-old (looking) girls all over the place... then less-than-scrupulously obtaining phone numbers of co-workers' girlfriends and hooking up with them (which, if the girls go along with it, they are as much to blame, honestly... hobags)... and it's not like the guy is even good-looking, intelligent, or otherwise. A while back, a girl that worked there was showing me the texts he had been sending her, trying to get her in the sack and it was like the most contrived, over-the-top schmoozing you could imagine... it was... just... blecch... god, what a tool... and to think that while I was rehabbing my back, he was pulling the same shit on... well... just... no, let's not. Douchey was one thing... and he got what he deserved... Junkie has been on the short list for a while, now... and it's (obviously) quite easy to make it appear totally innocuous... I think my desire for separation from the environment that goes on there has kept me preoccupied (and all the better for it)... but... I dunno.

(I wish you would read this and get a hold of me - there's something left unsaid... yeah, I know the odds that you'd ever care enough to be here in the first place are slim... but one day, you'll really understand why little ol' me ever bothered to care.)

Too blind to know your best
Hurrying through the forks without regrets
Different now, every step feels like a mile
All the lights seem to flash and pass you by

So how's it gonna be?
When it all comes down, you're cycling trivialities

Don't know which way to turn
Every trifle becoming big concerns
All this time you were chasing dreams
without knowing what you wanted them to mean

So how's it gonna be?
When it all comes down, you're cycling trivialities

Who cares in a hundred years from now?
All the small steps, all your shitty clouds
Who cares in a hundred years from now?
Who'll remember all the players?
Who'll remember all the clowns?

So how's it gonna be?
When it all comes down, you're cycling trivialities

So what does this really mean?
When it all comes down, you're cycling trivialities.

nownthen

You see a soul and you fall in love
You can't do a thing about it

In you I saw someone that I recognized
I had no idea what was in your mind
I met your eyes and I was hypnotized
I let our lives become entwined

For though you knew that I was twice your age
To make you smile seemed you enough

It was me who had the most to gain
Despite the fact that I now have lost

...you see a soul and you fall in love...

surprise

...after being told what I was told the other day, I'm kinda surprised they hadn't arrested him when he showed up in town, much less that they hadn't by last night, even... that whole roving wiretap thing is weird. Using a piece of legislature designed as counterterrorism to track drug fools is kind of silly, but legal, apparently. It wasn't what it was designed for but the government is... well, they're kinda fucked up like that.

I'm still kinda confused as to why I'm still even in the loop on all of this crap, anymore, after I told people in no uncertain terms that I didn't want to be... it's like hey, I did what I had to do to protect one person... my interest in the dealings of others, no matter the relation, is essentially nonexistent unless it directly affects that one person... and it's not... well, that's not exactly true, but in the big picture, they're just a teeny, tiny fragment of a piece of a little bigger piece of a much bigger piece of the big cookie... it's grown people, capable of making their own choices and bearing the prices of those decisions - they have to deal with what they choose, just as every living being does. I mean, is she still making bad choices? Sure, but unless they go back on their word, she's not going to have to go through what the rest are facing. Health is (potentially) fixable... criminal records that follow you around for the rest of your life are not. None of them are little kids, anymore. They can't get mommy & daddy to fix their issues, anymore. I guess some people never quite "grow up" and behave like real adults. They'll always lay responsibility at someone else's feet... but y'know, parents have limits, too... even not so super-great ones. Everyone has a breaking point... self-preservation, even of an image, is a very real, very strong persuader.

I dunno... like I said, I'm a bit surprised (as much as I am surprised at the stupid choices that the same not-really-all-that-stupid people continue to make on a continual basis)... but that's making me think the watchers just have bigger plans... which is a pretty scary thought. :\

I've figured out why I really dislike "junkie fuck" at work... well, I figured it out a while ago... but I was "reminded" of it, so to speak... Yeah, he's a junkie dipshit... I know literally tons of 'em... they permeate all aspects of my life... I can deal with that just fine... but... just...

Well, for whatever reason, he thinks he's some big "stud muffin" type... which is douchetastic in its own right... I'm pretty comfortable when it comes to judging what an attractive man is... and this cat is not there, in any fashion... he's a little wormy goofwad with chinpubes that acts like he's incredibly "cool" or whatever (what the hell does that even mean, anymore?) and smart but when you engage him in any type of truly intellectual conversation, he totally falls all over himself (trust me, I've made him do it... just for fun... more than a half dozen times in the last year)... but he was chatting in the back room last night during a tiny lull... going on about this girl at work he's been wanting to go out with... and by "go out with," he merely means he wants to get them drunk or high (or both) and fuck them and then pretend like they don't exist. He makes no bones about it when he refers to other "women" (and I use that term loosely). Like... okay... a little while back, he let one of the younger guys I work with use his phone so the guy could call his girlfriend... and then proceeded to call the girl, himself, a day or so later and start hitting on her... and he tells me this with absolutely no shame, whatsoever (in all fairness, he's a ginger, and we all no that gingers have no soul). I've seen her, she's cute, but nothing worth doing bullshit like that over... especially to a coworker, little goofy kid or not... but he has no morals... he'll hit on anyone that will say "hi" to him... almost as bad as his old cohort "Douchey." In fact, the guy actually had sex with Douchey's former stepmother, whom we also work with... and... I dunno... that's just appalling to think about, in any manner... and the topper was the fact that she did it because he gave her money (she has a bit of a problem, herself)... I'm not really sure who that speaks worse of, honestly. ANYHOW... he was talking about how he "wants to take (this girl) out and show her a good time" and then proceeds to make this air-humping motion (which garnered him the nickname "boxhumper" a long time ago between a few of us for his uncontrollable urge to hump air, boxes, anything handy when he sees, thinks, speaks of a girl)... It sparked a memory of the first night I worked with him (I knew him when he was a little kid across the street from my best friend's house)... He said, "I know how you feel about ("someone" - note: he often mispronounced her name several times to me), but I wanna take her out and, y'know, show her a good time... she just has the biggest tits..." Now a.) how he knows anything about how I feel about anyone... who knows... b.) why any of it is his business... who knows... c.) why he would say that about anyone someone cares about to their face... who knows... but... I told him that he would seriously regret if he ever spoke about her to me, again, in any terms, much less like that. I probably didn't speak a word to him for a couple weeks after that first night back... and then I kind of let it go... and then I was reminded why he's such a choad, last night... I mean, I had no respect for him... and I had negative respect for him when he paid granny to fuck her (if there ever was a sexy woman on earth... this woman is not, or never has been it)... and then he uttered that phrase last night and that shit that he said about her came rushing back into my head... and I bit my tongue... and I took deep breaths... and I left work.

Note: Jim talked to the girl at work, recently, and warned her that if she went out with him, both he and I would never speak to her, again... which was hilarious when she came to me almost crying about it... but she made the mistake of giving him her number, even though she never really wanted to go out with him 'cause she knew what he was like, and now can't get rid of the incessant text messages... her fault...

I'm glad I'm not going to be there, tonight... because I know he is... I mean, it's not like I'm going to confront him about it, anymore... but I just don't want to see his face, today. I'd rather he just go away like Douchey... but I'm not to the point of seeing to that, yet. Douchey was different - there was an immediate issue that needed addressed to make a lot of people much happier... but I think the disease in junkie fuck's body is going to be enough issue for him that soon enough there won't be a need to go any further.

Leg tattoos are lame... on girls, too, but especially on guys... It seems like there is a mass abundance of goofy idiots walking around with some stupid "tribal" something on their leg. Lame (what the fuck, people? I mean, I do tribal art, but it all actually IS something, not just a bunch of abstract lines and angles and stupidity - you suck).

Sporadic leg tattoos are even more lame... guys, girls, doesn't matter. You see a girl walking with a flower on her foot... a few inches up, a butterfly... a few inches up on the other side, the Tazmanian Devil... another few inches up, a heart... and then... paw prints, or something incredibly lame like that... no flow, no concept... but tons of lame.

Those tattoos on the small of your back (aka, the "tramp stamp" or "jizz target")? Retarded. Don't care what it is... it could be the most beautiful piece of art in the world... but it sucks... just like you.

Neck tattoos are the lamest... Some guy walking around with, like, "Shirley" or something on the side of his neck... or a chick with an ankh on the back of her neck... or anywhere... jesus... stop it.

There was a time when tattoo art was truly symbolic... not too very long ago, really... and they were special. Now, every white trash retard pillhead piece of shit has a full sleeve... but can't afford proper clothing for their children... or shampoo.

Just so you know, you're not cool... you're lame. You're not the "individual" you think you're trying to be... you're a sheep trying to make people think you're cool... but you're not. You're just like all the rest. It used to be cool... but it's not, anymore. I mean, tattoos are cool... if they mean something... if they are significant... but this whole "random tattoo madness wherever you think it will look 'cool'" that you're doing... stop.

Floating under water
Ever-changing picture
Hours out from land
In tune with all our dreams...

The ocean takes me in
to watch you shake it
Watch you wave your powers
Tempt with hours of pleasure

Take me one more time...
Take me one more wave...
Take me for one last ride...
I'm out of my head
Tonight

The sound of the waves collide
Tonight,
we ride...

Cruising through the city
after hours with me
Fusing all our powers...
Here's to all our dreams...

Take me one more time...
Take me one more wave...
Take me for one last ride...
I'm out of my head
Tonight

The sound of the waves collide
Tonight,
we ride...