So a little while back, I called in a big-assed favor and kept someone out of some rather serious trouble... jail... the works. Their goofy partner-in-crime got a whole lot less than what they deserved because they talked like there was no tomorrow, including implicating the aforementioned someone in their dealings... I'm talking they were looking at serious time in prison and instead, as a result of singing like the songbird, got probation and has to go to this rehab thing that is basically a joke for people like them, because it really doesn't have a good system in place to keep track of things, properly, and they really don't want to get clean in the first place... they're just going to go through the motions and be right back at it once they are out. They weren't even supposed to be allowed to qualify for this program because they tested dirty (twice) while waiting to be tried, and also got arrested for the same crime (again) while out on bond, failed to appear (which, when you do that on your own recognizance, is a felony, itself)... blah blah blah, they snitched a bunch of people out and are being rewarded for being an idiot.

But anyhow, yeah, for whatever reason, I did what I thought was the right thing. I used myself to keep someone out of trouble. I can't speak for their siblings, because all that is out of pretty much anyone around here's control, at this juncture... and when that all happens, there won't be much I'll be able to do but know it was coming. It will drive a spike or three into an already rather multi-fractured family structure... but that's not really my concern. I took care of one person... because, for whatever reasons, I don't think they need to have their life flipped on its ear like that. As messed up as the things they did were, the rest of their life doesn't need to be spent paying for it in ways that would just be... well, beyond simply tragic. The one that's in the system, now... having to deal with the pretty poor excuse of a rehab and all that... they're going to have their own bed to make... two of the people they snitched on have since been arrested and charged with some rather serious crime. I mean, the word is out... people want them dead... and they will likely "disappear" like so many others like them, around here... and I guess that will be sad. I mean, I don't have any respect for them, or anything like that, but at one point I'm pretty sure they were a decent person... and all the things that happened that turned them into what they are now are not necessarily of their own making... it's a slippery slope... and particularly hard to make any headway into it. But... their fate is kind of already sealed... by their own foolhardy, greedy actions.

But yeah... I did something that most people wouldn't do for anyone... and I didn't do it to get something back from them... it's not like I'm thinking they're gonna pop up and say "thanks" or anything... I doubt it... pride goeth before the fall and all that good stuff... I did it because I couldn't sit back and know it was happening and do nothing. I care about them deeply... and caring like that will make you put your own well-being on the back burner, sometimes... and you'll put yourself on the line for them... and if you died tomorrow, you'll know that it was worth it.

Chances come and chances leave you
stranded on the beaten path
I'm not looking for what's to good to be true.
I'd sure love to see you laugh.

It's not too hard to see you left this inside me.
This new emotion that I didn't know I needed.

The day will come when I can ask you why.

...and I miss the way
you always wake me from those
faded rerun dreams...

Time can take
everything that surrounds you
You can break from
everything that confines you
Some to trust - look in my eyes
I will guide you
So I say

Living to love could remind you

You can't know,
Follow

What I say to you,
take with you today
The pressure it brings
Alone, alive to know
What I say to you,
take with you today
You can't take the pain
to live to know

You can't fake
everything that reminds you
how you feel,
Time will tell what's inside you

You can't know,
Follow...

Hold on,
We try to live a dream
We lose the fight, again
I take the promise I believe
and keep it close 'till the end
I start a war inside
Drop and cover me,
My sense of peace is burning
Shutting down, I'm falling down

Can I give it all way
just to get back to that better place, today?
And I give everything away
'till I get back to that better place, today

Holding on,
I suffer like a fiend
and try and face the day
I gotta say I'm a little relieved
to see you stay 'till the end
I took the war inside
and pushed it out of me,
My sense of peace is burning
Open now, I'm not falling out

Can I give it all way
just to get back to that better place, today?
And I give everything away
'till I get back to that better place, today.

***
...you know who you are.

Need to cut the grass at the house, today... but there's a big storm coming, so unless I go do it right now, I'm gonna get rained out... so... I'm gonna get rained out.

Bleh.

I'm not quite so irritated, today... perhaps I will sleep decently, for a change. I just can't get over it...

That's it... I just can't get over it.

I slept two hours, yesterday... and haven't slept yet, today... I can't get comfortable. I drift into "almost sleep" for, like, five minutes and then come out of it and can hear every little sound... and then slowly drift back into "almost sleep," again for another five minutes... and it just repeats itself over and over. I can't find a way to lay that feels "right."

I'm irritated... and not the good, potentially-productive kind, either. I've got something on the brain... I know, I know... it's ridiculous. I get it under control and then it sneaks back up on me. I make it make sense and then I get caught up in it, again. I made it all go away, before... it went away... What the hell, man? And it's not like I'm not in control of it... I totally am... but... I'm letting it happen.

Shit... damnit... shit.

I lost a friend this week to cancer... it sucked. It still does. It will continue to do so.

She and I didn't always see eye to eye... but we were still friends. One morning a few months ago, she was pretty mad at me for something I did that made her life a little more complicated. In the process, she made me pretty mad, because I didn't think I did anything to cause her to fly off the handle quite like she did... but she did that from time to time; that morning was just my turn, I suppose. It was rather dramatic for a few seconds, but I did everything I could to explain to her what I did and didn't know about the situation and openly admitted where I went wrong (I don't quite have the time to devote to making things perfect for everyone else when I don't even have the time to do what I have to do in the first place). I made things good with her that morning, although she was still a little miffed at me for a little while after that... but we were still friends. It all blew over pretty quickly, actually... her husband liked to give me shit about it, now and then... good-hearted shit, though... and I took it in stride. I've known him since he was pooping on himself, essentially, so it was all good.

The last conversation we had was a really good one... and I was glad for that. She came to me that morning and almost seemed to go out of her way to talk to me about some things. At first, I was a little confused... and totally unprepared for this warm-hearted person standing before me talking about things I never thought she would want to talk to me about, but I understood what was really behind it... we were friends.

I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, it all happened so incredibly fast... and I was out of town during an "official" chance to do so (but I've never been very good at those kinds of things, anyway)... but at least in my heart, I can know that our friendship "ended" on a very good note.

But... it kind of makes me wretch a little on the inside to see all these people that would talk shit about how much of a "bitch" she was turn around and act all "she was so sweet, it's so sad," and all that stuff... hypocrisy at its finest. No, she was not always the nicest person on the planet, but... I don't know... people really confuse me, sometimes. It's just fucked up to watch people be so two-faced all the time. But fuck them... they're idiots, anyway.

I'll miss her smile that sometimes appeared if I could crack just the right joke... and her not-so-bubbly personality that would show itself when the mood struck her... I'll just miss her. I mean, who's going to yell at me when I fuck things up, now? Well, there's a small list of people that wait their turn to do that, anyway... but you know what I'm sayin'.

Had a good day, yesterday. Power-sleep... power-guitar... tracked some decent stuff... It needs a little more spit n polish, though, before I make it available for listening pleasure.

As angsty as I've been feeling, lately... I feel pretty good. I've been able to channel it all properly and not let it get the best of me; I've been getting the best of it, actually. I'm looking forward to making more good music for myself... in the end, I really don't care who hears it. Yeah, it's nice to get good feedback from it, because it lets me know that I'm on the right track. I spent a long time doing a lot of acoustic instrumental music that I really liked, a lot. The last batch I ever did was by far the best... and that's because I had some help from a really, sincerely special person who didn't have to do anything but be who she was to me... for me. It was some really powerful stuff... and I'm as proud of the results as I've ever been of anything I've ever done in thirty years of playing guitar... and I'm very thankful that she could be the inspiration for it, all. And now, to take the flip side of that coin... the anger and the frustration (and even that likely forlorn "hope") that came from it all, and turn it into something entirely different... I don't know what the future could ever hold for that part of my life, anymore... but I have channeled it into something I can wrap my head around... at least...

...and some of the guitars and rhythms are just plain sick nasty...

Oh, well... y'do what y'gotta do...

Off to the 'nato in a couple hours... looking forward to a good time with good people... I'll be at the Taft around 6:30 or so... if you're around, c'mon by. I'd love to see ya and say hey.

Off today... gonna squeeze some more guitar in before I crash for a few...

"Now y'got me all irritated so I'm gonna play it like a MAN... 'cause I got crow's feet, bitches!"

I love feeling edgy and shit when I play... it brings out a really aggressive side to my playing... impressive riffs bouncing off bold, dynamic drums... it gets pretty intense after a while... and I love it... makes me glad to be angry at people every once in a while... cause it brings out some really neat rhythms.

Lots to do, today. Gonna be a fun next couple days.

So come try to rob my house again while I'm in Cincinnato, tomorrow... you'll have a really humorous surprise waiting for you if you do. Well, really humorous for me, anyway. Probably a little less so for you. Inflicting deserved pain (of whatever varieties) on people can have its good sides, too. ;)

Another day to play... and play, I shall...

Cincinnato, Wednesday.

Ugh... As solid as I've become, recently... I still feel like a wreck... like something was ripped out of me... and I can't get it back... I can't find it... and it's not finding me... it's cutting me in two... and ripping me in three... how many pieces will you take from me?

I deserve better than this. I came too far out of the darkness all those years ago... to feel like I've been hurtled back into it... fuck.

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't so... me.

Not that I want to be anyone else... ever. You're all totally fucked up... but still...

I have far too much at stake, anymore, and little time to share.

One day, it will all be clear...
I just hope it's not too late, by then.

Isn't the idea of "unfinished business" just totally irritating?

I'm not insulted, though... as much as I could be, I'm not.

Part of me understands. Really. The other part, I can't speak for. It speaks for itself... beyond "words."

Irritating, yet... understandable... yet... we know what it is - and it seems a shame to waste any tiny bit of the truth staring you right in the face.

Makes me a little sad, really... but you never know. Today could be the day where it makes the right kind of sense. And maybe that old business can get finished and new business can begin.

Wouldn't that be something? It sure as hell wouldn't be irritating, anyway.

I've been home for about an hour... and I think I've already played for about forty-five minutes. Just knowing that I don't have to go to work tonight (or Wednesday)... it feels good to be able to take the last few days' pent up shit and turn it into something... that's worth something... feels good. I really like my "angry guitar," sometimes.

We'll see what I can get accomplished and perhaps I'll post some rough tracks, later tonight or tomorrow.

I

I can't figure out how... but it's still there.

I don't know why... but it just won't go away.

I can't see what... but I have to do something about it.

I can't be sure of when... but it has to happen.

I have no idea where... but there is a place.

I know who...

it's you.

Okay... a couple more days and I can get back to making some music... and that will make the next couple nights a little easier.

The irritation of the past (and of the next two days) will just build and I'll sling some angry, high-bred, high octane, non-corporate jams...

I am so looking forward to it.

Why couldn't I have been this eager when I still wanted to play in actual working bands? Meh. Doesn't matter. I'll make my own music... for me. I don't need the hassles that come with trying to play music with people I don't consider "family," again.

C'mon Monday...