Odd that I posted that deftones video the other day...
I had a feeling... or something.
RIP, Chi. @2:30 - every time I ever watched this video going back to when I first saw it, that moment always gave me chills.

4:00am
Sleepless... laying in bed...
wondering...

Pedaling through
the dark currents,
I find
an accurate copy,
A blueprint
of the pleasure
in me

Swirling black lilies totally ripe
A secret code carved...

"Free," somebody says
Guess now I'm free
to say what I feel,
crush you with words
Tell you you're wrong
for all that you've done
The harder we fall,
the less we all learn...

Praise keeps you so tall
I give you some time,
you wasted it all
fighting for space,
looking for ways
to spread yourself thin
The more I stay here,
the less you fit in...

Now hang on and listen,
you broken record
No I won't stay long, so
keep it all to yourself

And when the conflict ends,
the life of us depends
on whether time can clear our way...

I made this... to remind myself of how much of a complete and utter fuck I am...

Is there something that you're trying to say?
Don't hold back, now
It's been a long time since I felt this way
so don't hold back, now
I've purposely forgot about
loving anyone
'Cause I'm "the only one who has,
who has been stepped upon."
Is there something that you're trying to say?
'Cause I can take it
'Cause I grew up a man this way
If I'm hurt I'll shake it
I'll crawl back into my cave
That's how I'll make it
'Cause out of all this hurt we have
beauty thus become

In the mourning I can see the sights
No wonder I could never keep you satisfied
In the mourning I can see inside
myself and all the things that you were trying to hide.

Life is good.

Actually... life is awesome.

All because of a big mistake I made twenty years ago... well, maybe not exactly "because" of the mistake, but if I hadn't made it, I wouldn't be where I am, today.

I left her because I knew I'd hurt her... possibly the most-noble thing a twenty-two year-old piece of shit could do. I knew it was a mistake as soon as I did it because I really liked her... it wasn't the typical "I like this girl" thing I was accustomed to... I guess that's why I did it... because I knew I'd hurt her. I had gotten out of a particularly shitty relationship a couple years prior... one that cost me my best friend, who really wasn't any kind of friend, at all, and left some pretty deep wounds that would take a long time to heal over. I was an angry guy... and I was going to reap a lot of victims along the way to heal.

Time marched on... one lousy relationship after another for twenty years... aimless... pointless. I had just given up. Too many scars.

Through the most chance of chances... out of the blue... there she is...

I couldn't drive by a few places in town without thinking about her... yeah, even after all this time... I would drive by these places, even after all these years, and her face would enter my head, immediately. I wondered how she was... if she was happy... if I hadn't done what I did all that time ago, if things could have been any different.

Through the most chance of chances... out of the blue... there she is...

I found her, again... well... she found me.
...and life is truly awesome. Truly.

She was a queen
Lost within a dream
Misconceived that he was fit to reign
Lies take victims
Separate them at the seams
Cause them to fall apart
Then move along to better things, now

She wants to fall in love, again
He's satisfied to own her

No time permits to open up
When you've been hiding thoughts so strong
She's been holding out for an angel to come along
No reply from the sky
But she just keeps looking up
She just keeps looking up, now

She'll never know love's true potential
Lost in the open wind
To his impatience
Never feeling they would fall apart
She let her feelings grow
To tears she'll never show, now

She wants to fall in love, again
Don't you know that
he's satisfied to own her.

Some days are worse than others
Some days I cannot feel a thing
Someday I might just prove you wrong
Something just might go my way...

So... before he left for overseas, my friend thought enough of my birthday to send me a fucking LES PAUL... I just about fell over on the spot. It was like, "What the fuck are these two huge boxes?" (case, too) - well, like I said, it was an amazing gift from an amazing cat.

Throw in the new Tascam 2488neo I got myself (I usually really don't get shit for my birthday, so I always get myself something and this year, I plunked down a nice chunk on a nice piece of gear)... and I have great big bowls of awesomeness.

I've been doing so much writing the last few months. A lot of it turns to shit... but it's still something... I still miss the muse... but I've turned the loss and anger and confusion and sadness and all that into tangible things that I can at least wrap my head around at times. It's better to get that all out, however I have to do it. Bottling it up felt like it just about killed me... but I still miss. It was pretty awesome in its chaos.

When will this all be over?
How come this never ends?
This room keeps closing in on me
Not much outside that I care to see
This pain could all be over
if I just blinked an eye
Keep holding on to some star that stops me from
washing the world away

Why can't I get through today?
Feelin' blind with only me to blame
Still I find I try to hide
Maybe in time I'll find my way

I find that no one understands me
I feel so all alone
Does anyone feel the way I do?
This pain could all be over
if I just blinked an eye
Keep holding on to some star that stops me from
washing the world away.

Okay... I have gotten to the point where I am absolutely done dealing with someone at work... yes... good ol' Junkie. I was able to deal with it all at first... the stupidity, the immaturity, the absolute disregard for anyone but himself... but it's gotten to the point to where he thinks he's an untouchable, now... because he's managed to lie his way out of all kinds of trouble. Whether I know the truth or not, it's not my responsibility to dole out his punishment for being such a douchebag... nor is it my responsibility to be his babysitter and watch everything he does at all times... I'd never get around to doing my job if all I did was sit and watch him, because he's constantly flaunting the rules that we all have to adhere to...

Well... I hate to say it, but I'm fed up to the point where I'm probably going to have to make him disappear... and I don't want that. I want him to realize what a complete piece of shit he's been... but I just do not see it happening of his own volition... and I hate it for him.

No more gold lights for the queen earth to keep you warm in your kingdoms
High on the waves you make for us
But not since you left have the waves come
The bar is dead and the rocket's rain is keeping you wet in your deathbed
So high on the waves you made for us
And not since you left have the waves come...

How neat.
I'm impressed...
How did you come to be so blessed?

You're a star.
You blaze...
out like a sharp machine...
Like a whale's moan...
Well I'm here, if that's what you want

Here we are
You're pins, I'm needles
Let's play...
Here we are
You want this?
Then come on...

Tune out everyone in the crowd
because now it's just me and you
Come fall in love with the sound
Make a pact to each other
when no one's around
Put the cross between me and you
Who wants to fuck with us now?

I gave in, last night... I shouldn't have... but there's still this... "thing." It's been a couple of years, now... and there's still this thing. I should know better... but I don't. I should know better than to reach out... but I do, anyway. I guess I'll always keep that spot in me alive... looking...

I'm used to it, now... It's all right.

bed

Laying in bed... on my phone... worn the hell out... Went to breakfast with Jim after work. It's good to have a close friend, there. That place makes me crazy, sometimes... even on easy nights.

Speaking of people that even me out... nah. Nevermind.

I went into work, last night... and it was my night off...

Ugh...

Yeah, that's what it's been like, lately... a little chaotic... sometimes, I just don't know my head from... well, you know.

So what did I do? I clocked out, rented three movies, came home... and promptly fell back asleep. Irritating.

In other news, I was originally going to start some work on a couple remixes of songs for a friend this week... but I've just got too much going on to pay it proper attention. I'm hoping to maybe get started on them in the next few weeks, perhaps. I'm still working on movie cues... because they're being really slow about filming their movie... which is fine by me... because I'm getting less into it the longer it drags on. I'm also restoring some old, damaged photos for some people. I've done lots of that over the years, but one of these photos is really damaged... to the point of having to do things like redraw clouds and things like that... okay so it won't be quite the "original" photos, but it'll be a shit-ton better than the things they gave me, anyway. And then, there's my never-ending quest to make music of my own... which comes and goes... currently, it's in the former stage... which is irritating, because I work way too much and when I get home, I don't get much time to spend on it... and then I do stupid shit like sleep my days off away...

One step closer to the new house... finally. Starting to get a little exciting. Upstairs is definitely office-worthy... and one section of the basement is already almost perfectly set up for music-related stuff... but there's two bedrooms on the main floor, already... one of which could easily be made into a main multimedia room... I think, anyway. After talking to Spanklin for a bit, wireless streaming throughout the house would be a cinch. Seeing as the eMac is already set up as my "jukebox" of sorts, just need a decent receiver and maybe something like a PS3 for Hulu Plus (which I thoroughly enjoy to the hilt) and Netflix... or even a Roku player would work. It would free up the computers for better things... but I have too many computers, as it is... using one as a dedicate server for the house wouldn't be the worst thing, I guess.

Blah blah blah... anyway... it's getting there. I realized it when I started looking through CB2 and IKEA catalogs. Feels pretty okay, yeah.

Grace is defined as "seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion."

Few people will ever see it, much less comprehend it when they do.

I've been falling asleep to this album for years... it's a "never-fail."



You make that dance look so new
And I'm on a face like you've never seen
I'm yours, tonight,
So come on

Light up the stage
So we can all take off anywhere
We'll never come back, ever

You wear that cast so cool
And I'm on a face like you've never seen
before, around,
So come on

Light up the stage
So we can all take off anywhere
We'll never come back, ever

Right on the stage
You picture all of us everywhere
We'll never come back, ever.

Can you explain to me how
you're so evil?
How?
It's too late for me, now,
There's a hole in the earth,
I'm out...

Can you explain to me, now,
if you're still able...
well it's time
I think you know the truth,
There's a hole in the earth,
I'm out...

I hate all of my friends
They all lack taste, sometimes
There's a hole in the earth,
I'm out
There's a hole in the earth
Please take a bow...

This is the end,
somewhere...

There's a hole in the earth
I hate all of my friends,
I'm out.