...Tell me one thing,
Who gave you all those scars
that took away your innocence
you push away with everything you are?

follow

Time can take everything that surrounds you
You can break from everything that confines you
Someone to trust - look in my eyes,
I will guide you

So I say

Living to love could remind you

You can't know...
Follow...

I thought I shook you...

An uneventful day leads to an early sleep... which I probably need to catch up on, anyway...

Stick around and see the ugly look on my face
You always come around when my will is broken
and I can barely stand on my two feet
Was it something I said that you can't forget?
But you know it's something you need to make it
all work out, but the fact still remains that
you can never take back what you say -
But I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING!

I feel so empty, why'd you do this now,
when all the color left in my face is
fading out?

I won't ride that evil suicide wave,
no matter what you hear me say...

So why does it feel
like the sun has just burned out?
So why does it feel
everyone's waiting for us
to crumble and just break down?

Where's that helping hand
that you pull away
every time I'm in the back of the line?
If I start to fall out on the last mile,
wash the blood from my face.

I feel so empty, why'd you do this now?
The vicious circle of life tears me up inside...

Why does it feel
like the sun has just burned out?
And why does it feel
everyone's waiting for us
to crumble and just break down?

What is that saying about old habits dying hard?

Oh yeah... it's, "Old habits die hard."

Damn you, Lina.

I am an escapee from the Island of Misfit Toys... no doubt about it.

Looking forward to another Sunday off... breakfast with Ma after work... some sleep... and hopefully a tiny bit of time with a great group of people (well, one in particular, maybe? ...but they're all pretty awesome). Perhaps a little guitar, a little leftover awesome-o cheesecake... and I'm sure a lot of laughs and general good vibrationy stuff in the bones... and no fucking loser dope fiends (well, there's always the neighbors (hers and mine both)... but they don't count). lol

Happy...

What an odd concept.

I'm not saying I won't take it... but... just me, of all things.

Strange.

God, the last couple days have been horrible... another close friend passes away (a raging cokehead, but a very good friend, nonetheless... one of the only cokeheads I managed to not develop an aversion to)... just a massively horrible, heartbreaking situation he went through... and lost. I always kind of respected him for how humble he was towards his good friends... but... I dunno... having to do an entire eight ball while being driven to the hospital, because you're afraid you're not going to leave... I dunno... and no, he didn't leave... alive, anyway. Work has been horrid, too... I can only imagine if Uncle Big Bad had been in a foul mood... if I hadn't been so insanely busy, I would have been bored to tears... in fact, I kinda was.

If she wasn't so capable and willing to keep me grounded, I'd have probably splattered my brains all over this place, by now... I just absolutely loathe losing respect for people I've respected so much... and I hate having to beat my head off of walls constantly because of clueless dumbasses at work. At least I have a really good friend to knock some sense into me from time to time... I sure need it.

You'd never think a smile could do so much to remind you of all the beauty that you've missed in someone...

Most of that old crap is gone, now...

I think it was the right thing to do... I don't need to remind myself of that lameness, anymore. It may have taken a while to figure it all out... but I figured it all out. Jim tried to tell me a long time ago... it just didn't make sense, then. Now, it makes perfect sense. I should have done what he said, when he said it... it would have made the last year a lot better... but it may have led me down a different path and I wouldn't be where I am.

I remember talking before about how I think it's a worse thing to not care about someone than to hate them (because hate requires care, in the first place)... it's too bad it had to turn out that way, but that's how it goes.

I'm happy, again... for the right reasons. I won't look back and wonder, anymore... I don't have to.

[note: there was a pretty nice post, here... but someone disagreed (twice)... and I'm not a dick... and I respect them... so it's gone, now... in its place, I will leave this, instead]

[note 2: this video does not reflect anything about the former post or any of its participants... it's an arbitrary song that was playing on my iTunes as I corrected my second mistake]

I'll just hope that you're doing well.
It's not that I don't care... I just spent so long caring so much about someone that didn't care.
I'll be sad that it had to be this way, but I won't be angry. I won't want you anymore, because I know, now, that you never wanted me. You came to regret knowing me, and that hurt a lot, because I never did anything other than give a damn. Soon enough, I guess I will forget ever thinking your name, too. The day that happens, and it's coming, will be a sad day for the both of us. All that great energy we created, together... wasted. I will stop wondering, and you will fade away, once so unique, into a pile of rubble like so many others that I will burn with a cleansing torch and you will become nothing but ash. Where once there was a bright future, there will be a wall, built of the shattered remains of what was once hope and happiness. It was a match made from a most perfect alignment of souls. It could have been everything... and I'm sorry you felt it right to make it into nothing...
but I won't be angry. I'll just hope you're doing well...
somehow.

I'm not sure what's happening... but I'm sure I like how it feels.
I don't know where it's going... but that it's here, now, is enough.
I won't push it away, anymore.

Okay... I guess I need to clear something up.

There are several comments in a recent post regarding the situation between me and a certain someone. The first one I let slide, but it kind of kept going so I should probably address it, here.

I was not trying to talk shit about her. I know it came across rather harsh, but I do not wish her ill will. I was putting feeling into words... cleansing some pretty deep wounds. I was trying to say that she had a chance to have something very exciting and real instead of what she has and she fucked up because she doesn't understand and won't accept some things. I fucked up, too... it happens.

To "hah" and "cheese" (and you, too, "Marjorine!"), talking shit about her and/or her family is totally unnecessary, okay? And DO NOT, for any reason, whatsoever, remotely dare "tell her she 'ain't shit' to her face," or otherwise. I will be most unhappy about this, I promise. I might not be her biggest fan at the moment, but it doesn't change any of the time we spent together being outrageously, crazy, "you should be so lucky, go ahead and be jealous" happy. Just let it go, do not worry about it, please. If you wanna comment about things you read here, great... but try not to be quite so acrimonious in your "views" of something you really don't know about. There is only (on my end) one other person in the entire world besides me and her that really "knows" what went on, and he's not happy about it, but he's also considerate enough not to offend me over it, too... which is probably why he knows in the first place and why he is one of my greatest friends. I don't need people slinging a bunch of incredibly not nice words at her... here, or anywhere. I'm not using those kinds of words... and if anybody could, it would be me, not you... and I'm not... so... don't, okay? I appreciate the support, but that's not how I want it. Thanks.

Re-imagined...re-invented... re-believed...

Old-school silly self-indulgence... catharsis... release.
(new blood catharsis coming, soon, lol)

You desecrate your temple with anger
A hollow body, fueled by hate
I feel no better
Don't look for answers
Blown away, there was never a reason why

It's sick either way you look at it, so

Take what you want and leave a hole inside
Take everything you need to keep you satisfied
Break everything you see, then try to hide
Take it all, but you're never taking me alive

Now, you have used my weakness against me
A Trojan Horse already through the gate
I spiral down into the
search for excuses
It's time to take an honest look inside

It's sick either way you look at it, so

Take what you want and leave a hole inside
Take everything you need to keep you satisfied
Break everything you see, then try to hide
Take it all, but you're never taking me alive...

Don't walk in front of me, 'cause I might not follow.
Don't walk behind me, 'cause I might not lead.
Just walk beside me...

;)

Waking up with a bangin' headache is no fun... I do it, a lot... and there's not much I can do about it. I don't want it to ruin my day, though. I am in need of a good day. Someone needs me to be good for them, today. They've had a rough one, so far... and I'm not one to let a bad day for a good someone go unchallenged.

So... I have resolved a pretty decent-sized personal crisis. No, I'm not talking about the girl I was seeing, before... like I said, "one yank... right off!" and that was that. Done. I'm talking about the much deeper crisis that had been under my skin for a while. No, I never got what I absolutely deserved from the other person to make it any easier... but that's her fuckin' problem, y'know? She's a selfish, paltry child that thinks that the world should stop rotating when she wants it to and she has zero concept of the consequences of her actions (or inactions) on herself or other people that care about her. That's how she was raised, in a life without consequences... sadly, that's not how the real world operates. So she can go on and live her make-believe life and fuck up other people's worlds and her own, 'cause she's not going to affect mine, any longer. I mean, it was my fault that I let someone get in my head and twist it up... but it was her fault for not being remotely grown up about anything and doing the right thing, instead behaving like a narcissistic victim and running away from both me and her true feelings.

I'm not really happy or whatever that it turned out like this... I would have preferred a more adult approach from her to it, all... a bit of a "happier ending," perhaps... but you can't expect someone shallow to understand what another person is going through... they act concerned about the world around them and the people in it, but when push comes to shove, it's just a show... maybe even just a show for themselves, so they can think that they care, but they only really care about having their cake and eating it, too... lol So... so be it. Yeah, I remember talking about "making peace" with it, before, but I had really only made peace with my part of the equation, and it only served to make me a little more miserable. Now, I have made peace with her part, too... which was probably the more important key to it, all. Should I ever see her, again, I won't feel like I thought I would. I won't have the desire to snatch her up and run off to a secluded hideaway and ravage her until the sun comes up... in fact, I'll probably feel the urge to get away... quickly. Don't get me wrong... there is beauty within her that I recognized and thoroughly took pleasure in... something she allowed me to see in her, that she didn't let others (not even the complete Choada-Boy joke of a "boyfriend") see... but she said it once, and I never thought I would ever agree, but... she's not a good person... in a sea of people, some worse, lots better, but many just the same. Nothing unique. Nothing at all. She's the one that has to look at herself in the mirror, every day, and know who she really is underneath all the bullshit she fronts, not me.