Well, add another douche to the list of "people that seemed cool but are actually assholes." ... I just don't understand it. Do these people think what they say won't dig into me? Well, this person is just too... lamebrained to probably even realize they were saying anything "wrong" in the first place... but referring to a "fake smile" and "general phoniness..." I mean, is that really the best stuff to talk about at work? Where everyone has passed everything around to the point where it's so twisted and convoluted in the first place... and so then they feel entitled to add their two lame cents. UGH GOD I am starting to hate those fucks (and I tend to generally not hate people... I just "don't care," which to me, is far worse)... can't they just wait for me to not be in the general vicinity before spewing that crap? If she's "fake," then what the fuck are they when they act like they're her friend when they see her?
I thought about staying on days for just this reason... but it even sorta followed me there, too.
...at least I don't have to see them for a couple weeks, anyway.
Fuck. I hate being pissed about this... but I fucking can't help it.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Enter in this black cloud
Keeps looking over his shoulder
No method to his madness
Heavy is the world as he crashes down.
Hands down
This haunts you
So dopesick
I'll remain.
Hands down
This haunts you
So dopesick...
More than he could bear now
Some thought that he would come around
Screaming for his blank space
Could not wipe this from his face.
Hands down
This haunts you
So dopesick
I'll remain.
Hands down
This haunts you
So dopesick...
Could never tell by the whites of their eyes.
Keeps looking over his shoulder
No method to his madness
Heavy is the world as he crashes down.
Hands down
This haunts you
So dopesick
I'll remain.
Hands down
This haunts you
So dopesick...
More than he could bear now
Some thought that he would come around
Screaming for his blank space
Could not wipe this from his face.
Hands down
This haunts you
So dopesick
I'll remain.
Hands down
This haunts you
So dopesick...
Could never tell by the whites of their eyes.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
good
I worked all night... and only spoke to four people... and they thought something was wrong with me... goofy, naive asses.
It felt... good.
It felt... good.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
I almost got fired, tonight... well...
One of my friends at work was talking about this guy that comes in, all the time... well, he used to come in a lot and bother a particular someone... then he kinda disappeared for a while, because it was made known to him that particular people don't appreciate him coming in and bothering them... anyhow, that particular person left for supposed greener pastures and such, so that old guy has been coming in, again and bothering different people with, among other things, overtly lewd sexual advances. Anyhow, there were several people around while the friend was telling the story when I came into the scene and heard what they were talking about, but I didn't know who they were talking about. One of my other friends mentioned his name, and I was like, "Oh, yeah... that cat used to come in here all the time and proposition [a particular someone] for sex..." to which someone else, who this particular someone would consider a friend, says, "I'm surprised she didn't take him up on it..." and several others (a couple of which don't even really know anything about this particular person other than having worked with them for a few weeks) laughed and a couple idiots made their own snide comments... I didn't find any of it funny... at all.
...
Okay, so that was a little confusing... but to sum up, an innocent story turned into shit talk about someone that matters to me, and I almost lost my cool and blasted a couple people (one in particular, anyway). I could feel my face catching on fire and my jaw clench up... I had just helped take down a complete fuckwit thief about a half hour earlier and my adrenaline was totally hopped up. I'm not sure how I contained myself, or my mouth, or anything... but I managed to walk away... this time. For whatever reason, people really can't control their shit talk, there. Do they really think that highly of themselves, or something? It's not the first time derogatory things have been said about this person in my presence since I've been back... by people that would look them in the face and be all "buddy buddy" with them. It's hard for me to respect people... and they're not making anything any easier on me... and they know it gets to me.
Go figure.
One of my friends at work was talking about this guy that comes in, all the time... well, he used to come in a lot and bother a particular someone... then he kinda disappeared for a while, because it was made known to him that particular people don't appreciate him coming in and bothering them... anyhow, that particular person left for supposed greener pastures and such, so that old guy has been coming in, again and bothering different people with, among other things, overtly lewd sexual advances. Anyhow, there were several people around while the friend was telling the story when I came into the scene and heard what they were talking about, but I didn't know who they were talking about. One of my other friends mentioned his name, and I was like, "Oh, yeah... that cat used to come in here all the time and proposition [a particular someone] for sex..." to which someone else, who this particular someone would consider a friend, says, "I'm surprised she didn't take him up on it..." and several others (a couple of which don't even really know anything about this particular person other than having worked with them for a few weeks) laughed and a couple idiots made their own snide comments... I didn't find any of it funny... at all.
...
Okay, so that was a little confusing... but to sum up, an innocent story turned into shit talk about someone that matters to me, and I almost lost my cool and blasted a couple people (one in particular, anyway). I could feel my face catching on fire and my jaw clench up... I had just helped take down a complete fuckwit thief about a half hour earlier and my adrenaline was totally hopped up. I'm not sure how I contained myself, or my mouth, or anything... but I managed to walk away... this time. For whatever reason, people really can't control their shit talk, there. Do they really think that highly of themselves, or something? It's not the first time derogatory things have been said about this person in my presence since I've been back... by people that would look them in the face and be all "buddy buddy" with them. It's hard for me to respect people... and they're not making anything any easier on me... and they know it gets to me.
Go figure.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
sparks
Did I drive you away?
I know what you'll say
You'll say, "Oh, sing one we know"
But I promise you this
I'll always look out for you
That's what I'll do
I say "Oh"
I saw sparks
Yeah I saw sparks
My heart is yours
It's you that I hold on to
That's what I do
I know I was wrong
I won't let you down
Oh yeah, I will,
yes I will
I say "Oh"
I cry "Oh"
Yeah I saw sparks...
I know what you'll say
You'll say, "Oh, sing one we know"
But I promise you this
I'll always look out for you
That's what I'll do
I say "Oh"
I saw sparks
Yeah I saw sparks
My heart is yours
It's you that I hold on to
That's what I do
I know I was wrong
I won't let you down
Oh yeah, I will,
yes I will
I say "Oh"
I cry "Oh"
Yeah I saw sparks...
Monday, July 20, 2009
Former NFL quarterback/animal murderer Michael Vick was "officially released from federal custody," today.
...
Who gives a flying fuck? Yes, I love football... but I hope someone exacts some good ol' fashioned street justice on that punk because he didn't pay for his crime nearly enough... the last thing he should be allowed to do is re-enter a professional sport and make millions of dollars, again. He had his chance, he fucked up in a big way... he has done nothing worthy of a second chance (or, if you look at his life, an eighth or ninth chance) - I don't care how many PSAs he does for the ASPCA, I don't care how many shelters he opens, I don't care what he does to try to make himself look better... he's a product of the ridiculously ignorant "hip-hop" lifestyle that taught him that, among many other things, dogfighting and violently drowning creatures that don't make the grade is "okay..." even cool. It's not like he was some "good guy that caught up in something bad with the wrong people" - he's been involved in shady shit far beyond this... he IS the "wrong people." He didn't, like, "make a mistake" - he was bankrolling and actively participating in this for over seven years. He's had his chance, he blew it... now time to go work for a casino as a greeter, or something. Stay the Hell out of the NFL. Why people have any sympathy for douchers like this or thinks he deserves any better than what he gave to those dogs is beyond me.
...
Who gives a flying fuck? Yes, I love football... but I hope someone exacts some good ol' fashioned street justice on that punk because he didn't pay for his crime nearly enough... the last thing he should be allowed to do is re-enter a professional sport and make millions of dollars, again. He had his chance, he fucked up in a big way... he has done nothing worthy of a second chance (or, if you look at his life, an eighth or ninth chance) - I don't care how many PSAs he does for the ASPCA, I don't care how many shelters he opens, I don't care what he does to try to make himself look better... he's a product of the ridiculously ignorant "hip-hop" lifestyle that taught him that, among many other things, dogfighting and violently drowning creatures that don't make the grade is "okay..." even cool. It's not like he was some "good guy that caught up in something bad with the wrong people" - he's been involved in shady shit far beyond this... he IS the "wrong people." He didn't, like, "make a mistake" - he was bankrolling and actively participating in this for over seven years. He's had his chance, he blew it... now time to go work for a casino as a greeter, or something. Stay the Hell out of the NFL. Why people have any sympathy for douchers like this or thinks he deserves any better than what he gave to those dogs is beyond me.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Here I go again
Slipping further away
Letting go again
Of what keeps me in place
I like it here
But it scares me to death
There is nothing here
The light is beautiful
But I’m darker than light
And you are wonderful
But this moment is mine
All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me
I find comfort here
Cos I know what is lost
Hope is always fear
For the pain it may cost
And I have searched for the reason to go on
I’ve tried and I’ve tried
But it’s taking me so long
I might be better off
Closing my eyes
And God will come looking for me
In time
All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me
I can see myself
I look peaceful and pale
But underneath
I can barely inhale
I can hear myself singing that song
Over and over until it belongs to me
Slipping further away
Letting go again
Of what keeps me in place
I like it here
But it scares me to death
There is nothing here
The light is beautiful
But I’m darker than light
And you are wonderful
But this moment is mine
All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me
I find comfort here
Cos I know what is lost
Hope is always fear
For the pain it may cost
And I have searched for the reason to go on
I’ve tried and I’ve tried
But it’s taking me so long
I might be better off
Closing my eyes
And God will come looking for me
In time
All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me
I can see myself
I look peaceful and pale
But underneath
I can barely inhale
I can hear myself singing that song
Over and over until it belongs to me
Thursday, July 16, 2009
mouthful
Mouthful of cavities
Your soul's a bowl of jokes
And everyday you remind me
How I'm desperately in need
See, I got a lot of fiends around
And they're peaking through nothing new
They see you
They see everything you do
See everything on the inside, out
Oh, please give me a little more
And I'll push away those baby blues
'Cause one of these days this will die
So will me and so will you
I write a letter to a friend of mine
I tell him how much I used to love to watch him smile
See I haven't seen him smile in a little while
Haven't seen him smile in a little while
But I know you're laughing from the inside out
Your soul's a bowl of jokes
And everyday you remind me
How I'm desperately in need
See, I got a lot of fiends around
And they're peaking through nothing new
They see you
They see everything you do
See everything on the inside, out
Oh, please give me a little more
And I'll push away those baby blues
'Cause one of these days this will die
So will me and so will you
I write a letter to a friend of mine
I tell him how much I used to love to watch him smile
See I haven't seen him smile in a little while
Haven't seen him smile in a little while
But I know you're laughing from the inside out
one less
Satisified and otherwise tired of the options
Like seldom have the strength to see and
They never take serious enough
Serious enough
One less away from everything that's grounded me
I am
One less away from half the world surrounding me
My life
Nothing more and over done
Over looked and yesterday everything was making sense
Hear me out my love
Hear me out my love
One less away from everything that's grounded me
I am
One less away from half the world surrounding me
My life
Hear me out my love
Hear me out I love
Like seldom have the strength to see and
They never take serious enough
Serious enough
One less away from everything that's grounded me
I am
One less away from half the world surrounding me
My life
Nothing more and over done
Over looked and yesterday everything was making sense
Hear me out my love
Hear me out my love
One less away from everything that's grounded me
I am
One less away from half the world surrounding me
My life
Hear me out my love
Hear me out I love
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Grace is the wind that filled my sails
and took me to shores I'll never know
to taste the fruit of her scarred but beautiful land
Good intentions,
but no way to let them
come through and be seen
Grace led me to the well
and let me drink
the tepid yet quenching water from her veins
Tell me I am only dreaming
I'll never wake up
I'll be held in comfort as I sleep
"It's okay," I tell myself
I'd tell my tongue to speak until it broke my jaw
to feel the reflection of her sunlight
on my face, again
Grace took her treasures
and closed her eyes to me
leaving the faintest but deepest scar
in their place
But my fading voice will sing
her songs, until I am no more,
even as she silently cries for me
She won't speak, but
she will still call out
She won't crawl down, though
it's far too dirty and bloody
down here where I exist
I could never blame her,
who would want to cut through clouds
and come down here when they
can feign the safety of their heaven?
I don't want to be here, either
but a fist through the mirror
didn't solve anything
This is me, at my darkest
The hunger and the thirst,
the wayward search
cripples me, inside and out
"It's going to be okay," I'll tell myself, again
My skin shrinks and my ribs are exposed
but I can't get the taste from my tongue
I would rather starve on the remains
I can look elsewhere
but the fruit cannot bear the flavor
nor can the water be so fresh
It is an acquired taste,
as am I, and
quenching our hunger was bliss
My love is
not love at all,
unless it is love to the end
"It will be okay."
So I cannot feel resentment or an affront
to know this hunger
Grace gave to me...
and took me to shores I'll never know
to taste the fruit of her scarred but beautiful land
Good intentions,
but no way to let them
come through and be seen
Grace led me to the well
and let me drink
the tepid yet quenching water from her veins
Tell me I am only dreaming
I'll never wake up
I'll be held in comfort as I sleep
"It's okay," I tell myself
I'd tell my tongue to speak until it broke my jaw
to feel the reflection of her sunlight
on my face, again
Grace took her treasures
and closed her eyes to me
leaving the faintest but deepest scar
in their place
But my fading voice will sing
her songs, until I am no more,
even as she silently cries for me
She won't speak, but
she will still call out
She won't crawl down, though
it's far too dirty and bloody
down here where I exist
I could never blame her,
who would want to cut through clouds
and come down here when they
can feign the safety of their heaven?
I don't want to be here, either
but a fist through the mirror
didn't solve anything
This is me, at my darkest
The hunger and the thirst,
the wayward search
cripples me, inside and out
"It's going to be okay," I'll tell myself, again
My skin shrinks and my ribs are exposed
but I can't get the taste from my tongue
I would rather starve on the remains
I can look elsewhere
but the fruit cannot bear the flavor
nor can the water be so fresh
It is an acquired taste,
as am I, and
quenching our hunger was bliss
My love is
not love at all,
unless it is love to the end
"It will be okay."
So I cannot feel resentment or an affront
to know this hunger
Grace gave to me...
We see the lights
come into view
What sacrifice
for passages through
The city sings
Lawyers and whores
Our helpless kiss
these soft and dangerous shores
On promenades
no one lives to tell
Of paradigm shifts
you know so well
The host will raise
an innocent lie
The riders asleep
Beneath a soft and dangerous sky
You see her eyes
open into frame
What sacrifice
disregards a game
As two awake
behind burning doors
You follow her thoughts
out soft and dangerous shores...
come into view
What sacrifice
for passages through
The city sings
Lawyers and whores
Our helpless kiss
these soft and dangerous shores
On promenades
no one lives to tell
Of paradigm shifts
you know so well
The host will raise
an innocent lie
The riders asleep
Beneath a soft and dangerous sky
You see her eyes
open into frame
What sacrifice
disregards a game
As two awake
behind burning doors
You follow her thoughts
out soft and dangerous shores...
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Well I see now she can't spell no love with letters
All at odds with these mythologies of sexual mentors
Well if she ever need a rest
From all that Dogma all undressed
On no religion I love you blessed
Never forever
Dress for the evening with such disguise
Well laying here now with your open eyes
Killing time now and time just dies
Forever
Well I'm all in open view
Wear it raw in front of you
Milk the drug and misconstrue
Well I stood all night out there
Waiting for the Ark
Gasoline all in my hair just to tempt a spark
Ain't got no hard-on like you have known
Ain't got no icon like those you been shown
All our lives or one night alone
Never forever
All our lives or one night
Never
All at odds with these mythologies of sexual mentors
Well if she ever need a rest
From all that Dogma all undressed
On no religion I love you blessed
Never forever
Dress for the evening with such disguise
Well laying here now with your open eyes
Killing time now and time just dies
Forever
Well I'm all in open view
Wear it raw in front of you
Milk the drug and misconstrue
Well I stood all night out there
Waiting for the Ark
Gasoline all in my hair just to tempt a spark
Ain't got no hard-on like you have known
Ain't got no icon like those you been shown
All our lives or one night alone
Never forever
All our lives or one night
Never
As the party closes
I ain't got a clue
Red and yellow roses
Nipple rings and tattoos
But I never met no girl
No one, nowhere
I never met no girl,
Narcotic prayer
If I found her breathing
How could I adjust
Should I see her bleeding
Calling me in trust
But I never met no girl
No one, nowhere
I never met no girl,
Narcotic prayer...
Chance face
Loosed from what is useless in the place
I copped and caught a movie
But you know it can't last
The lights come up and I just crash...
I just crash...
I ain't got a clue
Red and yellow roses
Nipple rings and tattoos
But I never met no girl
No one, nowhere
I never met no girl,
Narcotic prayer
If I found her breathing
How could I adjust
Should I see her bleeding
Calling me in trust
But I never met no girl
No one, nowhere
I never met no girl,
Narcotic prayer...
Chance face
Loosed from what is useless in the place
I copped and caught a movie
But you know it can't last
The lights come up and I just crash...
I just crash...
Monday, July 13, 2009
Baby got a gun, how's she to know
I already see the ghosts
everywhere I go
he don't know that
I don't mind
If angry, she'll be fine
But if she cry, please don't let me know
Well I seen her with her piece today
Never missed you more
seeing you that way
The phantom around my bed
Now I'm sleeping with the dead
Baby's got a gun, I'm bound to go
Gods above and underground
While the ghosts go back and forth
through town
They wander around outside
They don't know there's nowhere to hide
Baby got a gun, I'm bound to go...
I already see the ghosts
everywhere I go
he don't know that
I don't mind
If angry, she'll be fine
But if she cry, please don't let me know
Well I seen her with her piece today
Never missed you more
seeing you that way
The phantom around my bed
Now I'm sleeping with the dead
Baby's got a gun, I'm bound to go
Gods above and underground
While the ghosts go back and forth
through town
They wander around outside
They don't know there's nowhere to hide
Baby got a gun, I'm bound to go...
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
...and so I get to say goodbye to yet another close friend... at the hands of something they were sure they had "control" of... as so many will say... and they otherwise. I do know people that have beat it... it's not as difficult as people can make it on themselves... and they'll be the first to tell you how sad and how easy it was to get dragged into it... but I know a lot more people, anymore, who weren't able to beat it. And this time is no different then the last... I run the same gambit... I am shocked... I am angry... and then I am sad. It's so incredibly pointless, the things that people will put themselves through... chasing something they'll never catch... or chasing away something they think they can't handle. I've talked to people after things like this happen, only to watch them become the next victim. They will say I am their friend... and the things we talk about matter to them... but in the end, I am nothing to them. Nothing I think, feel or say will ever matter... no matter how much it should or I wish it did... not that I should be the one that matters... it seems they don't even matter to themselves.
So go crush up your high-test pharmaceutical synthetic heroin... sniff yourselves into oblivion... "honor" your fallen friends... sniff away your pain, your trouble... your dignity. Join your friends as maggot feed far too early... too much is never enough, right? You won't be the last... you prove it over and over and over. You watch them die and you do nothing... feel bad for the briefest of moments... and then hatch your next "brilliant" schemes to score without having to sell your neglected children.
Have you lived your entire lives without understanding the concept of consequence? You should be so lucky to have handcuffs slapped on you in your fucked up desires to not face yourselves. I'm sure it's better than being murdered for a few tiny pills... dying for an hour or two of mind-dulling that you perceive as "pleasure." You'll kill yourselves rather than stand up on your own two feet and face your troubles.
When are you going to wake up? Can you do it before it's too late? Do you even care if you do? Every time this happens, I learn... you won't... you can't... you don't.
...and so I get to say goodbye to another close friend... I'm sorry we won't get to hug after a great show, or talk about the new music I will try to make, or talk about your dream house... I'm sorry the care I had for you didn't matter, in the end... I'm sorry the last six or seven funerals we had to go to didn't change your mind... I wanted you to be around to hold my newborn son or daughter, whenever that day will come... but the care I had didn't matter... and so I have to say goodbye...
again.
So go crush up your high-test pharmaceutical synthetic heroin... sniff yourselves into oblivion... "honor" your fallen friends... sniff away your pain, your trouble... your dignity. Join your friends as maggot feed far too early... too much is never enough, right? You won't be the last... you prove it over and over and over. You watch them die and you do nothing... feel bad for the briefest of moments... and then hatch your next "brilliant" schemes to score without having to sell your neglected children.
Have you lived your entire lives without understanding the concept of consequence? You should be so lucky to have handcuffs slapped on you in your fucked up desires to not face yourselves. I'm sure it's better than being murdered for a few tiny pills... dying for an hour or two of mind-dulling that you perceive as "pleasure." You'll kill yourselves rather than stand up on your own two feet and face your troubles.
When are you going to wake up? Can you do it before it's too late? Do you even care if you do? Every time this happens, I learn... you won't... you can't... you don't.
...and so I get to say goodbye to another close friend... I'm sorry we won't get to hug after a great show, or talk about the new music I will try to make, or talk about your dream house... I'm sorry the care I had for you didn't matter, in the end... I'm sorry the last six or seven funerals we had to go to didn't change your mind... I wanted you to be around to hold my newborn son or daughter, whenever that day will come... but the care I had didn't matter... and so I have to say goodbye...
again.
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