I only see myself reflected in your eyes
so all that I believe I am essentially are lies
and everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was
died with your belief in me so who the hell am I?
I'm wandering around confused
wondering why I try
the more that you deny my pain
the more it intensifies...
I pray for someone to ache for me the way I ache for you...
if you ignore that I'm alive
I've nothing to cling to...
I stare into this mirror
so tired of this life
if only you would speak to me or cared if I'm alive
once I swore I would die for you
but I never meant like this...
I don't know if I'm real without you
what is left of me without you?
I don't know what's real without you
How can I exist without you?
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
sleep
Will I ever get a good night's sleep, again? I'm sick and tired of spending ten hours trying to get five hours of sleep... I'm sick and tired of falling asleep, only to wake up maybe an hour later... to be stuck wide awake for another two hours. I'm sick and tired of not being comfortable trying to sleep. I didn't ask to hurt my back like this and I certainly didn't ask for the pain. I've been doing everything I'm asked to do to make it better... so why isn't it happening?
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired...
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired...
Sunday, May 10, 2009
puzzle
Even as a little kid, I was always one to examine things closely... the world was full of riddles... and mysteries... and puzzles... and I learned early on that I had a gift for solving them. I learned that careful examination of "how," "what" and "why" would inevitably lead me to understanding... even to control... but what I didn't know - what I never could've imagined - was that one day my own life would become the most challenging puzzle of all...
deserve better
I just want to talk... I don't necessarily even want to talk about what "went wrong" with the situation... I know pretty much what happened and where I totally went wrong... but I thought she would want me to have peace of mind... the same peace of mind that she wants, too... instead of just... like... shutting me out and shutting it off. It just seems so... unfair?
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
psychic vampire
Someone asked me about the "psychic vampire" reference on my myspace bio-thing. They weren't the first... probably won't be the last... but, so, I guess I should probably clarify it.
I've done a small bit of research on the subject and could really only come up with goofy, occult-y, lame shit. No, I do not literally see myself as a "vampire" that stalks prey, trying to live forever... or maybe I do... I'm not so sure, anymore. I guess what I mean is I am not some weirdo from a bad movie that's out to get you when you least expect it, or whatever... and I'm not trying to suck the life out of you...
...but I do feed off of your energy...
According to the things I've seen, it would appear I fall somewhere in between an emotional and, most recently, a sexual variety.
I feed off of your emotions, but only a few of them; the others are of no use to me, at all... at least for most of you; there is a proverbial rare exception that can give me life through all emotion, good and bad, happy or sad... I love the way people can make me feel... and I loathe the way they can make me feel the very next minute; from the closest of friends to a perfect stranger... all capable of becoming "victims."
A part of me can't help but want to punish the people that live only to serve themselves and have no consideration of what their actions do to the lives of those around them and those they choose to bring into their world. That dark part wants to steal that selfish desire from them and make it into my own and use it to watch them squirm.
I don't want to be this way; I certainly didn't ask for it. It's just the way it's always been... and I usually pay a price for it all, no matter what. It's okay, though. If that's how it has to be for me to continue to exist as the person I am, then so be it. I don't want to "take" anything from those except those who deserve to have it taken from them... Only in the rarest of situations will I ever "choose" to let it happen.
I only recently came to terms with the sexual/tantric element. Every sigh, kiss, touch... every breath... gave me energy... power, the likes I've never known. To touch... and watch what the touch was capable of producing, within us both... To taste... and know the flavors of ecstasy; I could live forever on those flavors. Y'never know... I might, still.
The more I looked into it, the more I realize when you throw out all the occult garbage and the silliness of the people that take it all so literally and, like, "seriously..." I see that I am an amalgam of most of the types that they put forth... I am karmic and dharmic... pranic and tantric... elemental, sexual, emotional... I don't want to drain you of your life's energy; I want to bathe in it and experience what it is to be alive. In the end, I want a little piece of all of you (and a much bigger piece of very, very few of you)... all for myself.
I've done a small bit of research on the subject and could really only come up with goofy, occult-y, lame shit. No, I do not literally see myself as a "vampire" that stalks prey, trying to live forever... or maybe I do... I'm not so sure, anymore. I guess what I mean is I am not some weirdo from a bad movie that's out to get you when you least expect it, or whatever... and I'm not trying to suck the life out of you...
...but I do feed off of your energy...
According to the things I've seen, it would appear I fall somewhere in between an emotional and, most recently, a sexual variety.
I feed off of your emotions, but only a few of them; the others are of no use to me, at all... at least for most of you; there is a proverbial rare exception that can give me life through all emotion, good and bad, happy or sad... I love the way people can make me feel... and I loathe the way they can make me feel the very next minute; from the closest of friends to a perfect stranger... all capable of becoming "victims."
A part of me can't help but want to punish the people that live only to serve themselves and have no consideration of what their actions do to the lives of those around them and those they choose to bring into their world. That dark part wants to steal that selfish desire from them and make it into my own and use it to watch them squirm.
I don't want to be this way; I certainly didn't ask for it. It's just the way it's always been... and I usually pay a price for it all, no matter what. It's okay, though. If that's how it has to be for me to continue to exist as the person I am, then so be it. I don't want to "take" anything from those except those who deserve to have it taken from them... Only in the rarest of situations will I ever "choose" to let it happen.
I only recently came to terms with the sexual/tantric element. Every sigh, kiss, touch... every breath... gave me energy... power, the likes I've never known. To touch... and watch what the touch was capable of producing, within us both... To taste... and know the flavors of ecstasy; I could live forever on those flavors. Y'never know... I might, still.
The more I looked into it, the more I realize when you throw out all the occult garbage and the silliness of the people that take it all so literally and, like, "seriously..." I see that I am an amalgam of most of the types that they put forth... I am karmic and dharmic... pranic and tantric... elemental, sexual, emotional... I don't want to drain you of your life's energy; I want to bathe in it and experience what it is to be alive. In the end, I want a little piece of all of you (and a much bigger piece of very, very few of you)... all for myself.
before...
Before you can accept who you are... you have to know who you are.
I'm beginning to learn more...
I hope I can live with it.
I'm beginning to learn more...
I hope I can live with it.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
sleep?
I was watching a movie and somehow managed to nod off... I figure the last couple months of three-hours-of-sleep nights probably warranted actually being able to nap for a couple hours, at some point - tonight must've been the night. I don't remember dreaming anything... then again, I can't remember much of anything in a while. I am startled awake by knocking at the front door... there's only one person who could possibly know that I'm here, and I'm relatively certain it's not her... besides, the door is unlocked; she's never had to knock, once... she knows that... but still, my heart is rhythmically trying to punch its way out of my chest at the possibility. Could it be? I sit up; my senses are starting to reconnect from the brief reprieve from the world. My heart pounds harder and harder. There's no way in Hell it would be her on a weekend evening... never... but still, my heart in its attempt to leap from my body is trying to tell me that it might be her; who else could it possibly be? I feel my body becoming cold; a rather familiar cold... What are you going to say to her, Tony? No... don't say anything... just look... look and be thankful that you can. Saying anything will only waste time better spent just looking... As my senses gather, I catch a glance at the movie playing on the laptop... and see the old woman moving across the floor to... answer her door... Shit... It was just the movie... it was just the movie... My heart doesn't stop pounding for probably five minutes as the realization that she's not at the door sinks in, deeper and deeper. I want to be sad... but I am not. I just... "am."
4:05am - on any Saturday night, 4:05am would be right around the time she would be pulling up out front of my place... to share twenty minutes or so with me... I really loved that. Now, at 4:10am on this Saturday night, I am... alone... and awake... wishing I had twenty minutes...
4:05am - on any Saturday night, 4:05am would be right around the time she would be pulling up out front of my place... to share twenty minutes or so with me... I really loved that. Now, at 4:10am on this Saturday night, I am... alone... and awake... wishing I had twenty minutes...
Friday, May 01, 2009
Dante
"There is no greater sorrow
than to recall happiness in times of misery"
-Dante Alighieri Divina Commedia
"Inferno"
than to recall happiness in times of misery"
-Dante Alighieri Divina Commedia
"Inferno"
Thursday, April 30, 2009
goofier
I can't lock the door... I have the tendency to lock every door, to the point of fighting the urge to lock the bathroom door, living alone... yet I can't bring myself to lock the door. Every once in a while, I hear the doorknob rattle, as if it's about to open... My heart will skip a beat, and then I realize that it's just the house settling... or the wind... or something. It's not her...
I leave the porch light on, too...
I'm so goofy, sometimes.
I leave the porch light on, too...
I'm so goofy, sometimes.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Can you live without one red cent?
Can a little true heart really pay the rent?
No
It'll take a lot of give to get
All the money you've spent it's a game of pressure
So
Put a little on the back of someone else. Cause another problem just to ease yourself.
Can't you see that it's coming back around, and when it comes back
It'll drive you farther down.
Free, now are you? Is it life that holds us down?
Free, how are you? When I'm stuck here on the ground.
Can you fly without your wings on board?
It seems pretty unfair to end up on the floor.
Paying for a crime you weren't charged for,
Alive in a world that always wants more.
Is it any wonder that you're falling back inside the pattern that defines all you lack?
Don't you want to get into your car and get out of this town?
Free, now are you? Is it life that holds us down?
Free, how are you? When I'm stuck here on the ground.
It's all about the wrong thing if doesn't make your heart sing.
It couldn't be the right place with those tears upon your face.
Free, now are you? Is it life that holds us down?
Free, how are you? When I'm stuck here on the ground.
Free, now are you?
Can a little true heart really pay the rent?
No
It'll take a lot of give to get
All the money you've spent it's a game of pressure
So
Put a little on the back of someone else. Cause another problem just to ease yourself.
Can't you see that it's coming back around, and when it comes back
It'll drive you farther down.
Free, now are you? Is it life that holds us down?
Free, how are you? When I'm stuck here on the ground.
Can you fly without your wings on board?
It seems pretty unfair to end up on the floor.
Paying for a crime you weren't charged for,
Alive in a world that always wants more.
Is it any wonder that you're falling back inside the pattern that defines all you lack?
Don't you want to get into your car and get out of this town?
Free, now are you? Is it life that holds us down?
Free, how are you? When I'm stuck here on the ground.
It's all about the wrong thing if doesn't make your heart sing.
It couldn't be the right place with those tears upon your face.
Free, now are you? Is it life that holds us down?
Free, how are you? When I'm stuck here on the ground.
Free, now are you?
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Hey you, big star, tell me when it's over.
Hey you, big mood, guide me to shelter.
'Cause I'm through
When the two hits the six and it's Summer -
Cloud
Come shove the sun aside
I think god is moving its tongue
There are no crowds in the streets and no sun
in my own Summer
The shade is a tool, a device, a savior
See, I try to look up to the sky
but my eyes burn -
Cloud
Come shove the sun aside.
I think god is moving its tongue...
Hey you, big mood, guide me to shelter.
'Cause I'm through
When the two hits the six and it's Summer -
Cloud
Come shove the sun aside
I think god is moving its tongue
There are no crowds in the streets and no sun
in my own Summer
The shade is a tool, a device, a savior
See, I try to look up to the sky
but my eyes burn -
Cloud
Come shove the sun aside.
I think god is moving its tongue...
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
You have a fear of living not me
I will not take anything for granted
Not even the breath I breathe
Makes me feel alive still... I can't describe
What is happening determined to run but...
I'm crawling... I'm crawling down
You cannot define this
There is nothing else like it
The addiction's here, make no mistake
I will not take anything for granted
With every step I take, makes me feel alive
Still I feel the further I go I'm determined to run but...
I'm crawling... I'm crawling down
You cannot define this
There is nothing else like it
You cannot define this
There is nothing else like it
It's how you react, no it's not what you say
you're running from nothing you're running away
You cannot define this
There is nothing else like it, no no
You cannot define this
There is nothing else like it
You...
Cannot define this...
I will not take anything for granted
Not even the breath I breathe
Makes me feel alive still... I can't describe
What is happening determined to run but...
I'm crawling... I'm crawling down
You cannot define this
There is nothing else like it
The addiction's here, make no mistake
I will not take anything for granted
With every step I take, makes me feel alive
Still I feel the further I go I'm determined to run but...
I'm crawling... I'm crawling down
You cannot define this
There is nothing else like it
You cannot define this
There is nothing else like it
It's how you react, no it's not what you say
you're running from nothing you're running away
You cannot define this
There is nothing else like it, no no
You cannot define this
There is nothing else like it
You...
Cannot define this...
Voices call, they call out my name
They say I'm different, well I'm not the same
You say you want
to be like me
Well boy let me tell you,
you didn't know what I've seen.
I'm minding
my own business.
I ain't doing
nothing wrong
I ain't doing
nothing wrong.
They say the devil
lives in my soul
I promise not to let him
take control
I'm minding
my own business.
I ain't doing
nothing wrong
I ain't doing
nothing wrong.
Shadows follow
so close behind me
I look in the mirror
I don't like what I see.
Oh God, Can't you help me
get out of here?
I feel like I'm living
deep in hell.
I'm minding
my own business
I ain't doing
nothing wrong...
They say I'm different, well I'm not the same
You say you want
to be like me
Well boy let me tell you,
you didn't know what I've seen.
I'm minding
my own business.
I ain't doing
nothing wrong
I ain't doing
nothing wrong.
They say the devil
lives in my soul
I promise not to let him
take control
I'm minding
my own business.
I ain't doing
nothing wrong
I ain't doing
nothing wrong.
Shadows follow
so close behind me
I look in the mirror
I don't like what I see.
Oh God, Can't you help me
get out of here?
I feel like I'm living
deep in hell.
I'm minding
my own business
I ain't doing
nothing wrong...
A piece of mail
A letter head
A piece of hair
From a human head
They're sayin' to me
"I should've killed it"
"I should've killed it"
"I should've killed it before"
You're right, you're right
"Kill the body and the head will die"
They're laughin' at me
"I should've learned it"
"I should've learned it"
"I should've learned it before"
-What a day, what a day
If you can look it in the face
And hold your vomit
A wet sneeze and a "no left turn"
A row of teeth and an encouraging word
Beneath a mile of skin
"I should've noticed it"
"I should've noticed it"
"I should've noticed it before"
What a day
What a day
What a day
Don't you touch it
A letter head
A piece of hair
From a human head
They're sayin' to me
"I should've killed it"
"I should've killed it"
"I should've killed it before"
You're right, you're right
"Kill the body and the head will die"
They're laughin' at me
"I should've learned it"
"I should've learned it"
"I should've learned it before"
-What a day, what a day
If you can look it in the face
And hold your vomit
A wet sneeze and a "no left turn"
A row of teeth and an encouraging word
Beneath a mile of skin
"I should've noticed it"
"I should've noticed it"
"I should've noticed it before"
What a day
What a day
What a day
Don't you touch it
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
worry... and relief...
I worry a lot... far too much about things that are sometimes totally out of my hands. I know it's not good for me, and it will probably be my demise, not unlike my father... but it doesn't stop it from happening.
I'd been pretty worried about something the last couple of days... again, something that I can't really exert any control over without making something rather private known to someone that someone else would rather I not (ambiguous enough for ya? good). I figured that the "powers that be" were going to screw me... they've been doing a good job of it in a lot of ways, recently. However, they've been unusually kind to me in another way... probably without knowing... well, I think that there is a better-than-slight chance that they DO have a clue, at this point... and if they do know, and are showing this kindness to me with any kind of intention, that would make them super-extra cool... Super... Extra... Cool.
Tuesdays... are truly a beautiful thing, to me... and such a relief.
If next week, it would be Monday, or Thursday, or any other day, then so be it... as long as it is one... beautiful day.
Ambiguous enough for you?
Good. :D
Mobile Blogging from here.
I'd been pretty worried about something the last couple of days... again, something that I can't really exert any control over without making something rather private known to someone that someone else would rather I not (ambiguous enough for ya? good). I figured that the "powers that be" were going to screw me... they've been doing a good job of it in a lot of ways, recently. However, they've been unusually kind to me in another way... probably without knowing... well, I think that there is a better-than-slight chance that they DO have a clue, at this point... and if they do know, and are showing this kindness to me with any kind of intention, that would make them super-extra cool... Super... Extra... Cool.
Tuesdays... are truly a beautiful thing, to me... and such a relief.
If next week, it would be Monday, or Thursday, or any other day, then so be it... as long as it is one... beautiful day.
Ambiguous enough for you?
Good. :D
Mobile Blogging from here.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Sometimes I get bored, online. Not that there's nothing to do, but I just don't want to do them, so much... so, I start randomly browsing around (something that StumbleUpon
I will openly admit, I am not among Britney Spears' biggest fans... not by a longshot... for any number of reasons... but I come across this random page with a picture of her and a caption underneath reading something like, "Look at that fat belly..." Here is the picture they're referring to (note the title of the picture as well):
There were a bunch of comments talking about how "bad" she looked and how "fat" she was... Okay... wait... are you serious? This is "fat?" This is "bad?" Am I supposed to look at this picture and be repulsed? I've got news for you, out there... this is not "fat." This is probably not even what most medical professionals would consider "overweight." Likewise, they were ragging on over this pic, too:
...talking about her "fat rolls" and "flabby arms." Have these people ever been out in public before and seen an actual fat person? It's a bit confusing. I mean, maybe all the people commenting are anorexic freaks, or something, but I highly doubt that. I'm willing to bet that some of the commentors are likely more than a bit "overweight," themselves.
It just kinda cracks me up, the nerve of people. They take the opportunity to jump at the first sign of perceived "imperfection" and just lambaste the hell out of them (I'm sure I don't need to point out that things like this are just the tip of the proverbial iceberg). Sure, I am as guilty as the next person of it, myself (see some of my rants on the douchebags that are Kanye West, Fred Durst, etc.), but at least I have a leg to stand on when I do...
You understand what I'm getting at, right? Yeah, she's a bit of a freak, anymore... but her problems aren't related to fluctuations in her weight, y'know? And, straight up, she doesn't look remotely "fat" in those pics. In fact, she looks pretty damned good (yes, I know there are some other, more unflattering pictures of her out there (even on that page), but the fact that they were ripping on these pics was just... fucked up). If you want to pick on someone for something so ridiculous as picking up a couple pounds, be prepared to be called an idiot... by (at least) me.
In conclusion, this:
Yeah... a little scary (and probably deserving of a little ribbing)... This:
...is not.
I will openly admit, I am not among Britney Spears' biggest fans... not by a longshot... for any number of reasons... but I come across this random page with a picture of her and a caption underneath reading something like, "Look at that fat belly..." Here is the picture they're referring to (note the title of the picture as well):
There were a bunch of comments talking about how "bad" she looked and how "fat" she was... Okay... wait... are you serious? This is "fat?" This is "bad?" Am I supposed to look at this picture and be repulsed? I've got news for you, out there... this is not "fat." This is probably not even what most medical professionals would consider "overweight." Likewise, they were ragging on over this pic, too:
...talking about her "fat rolls" and "flabby arms." Have these people ever been out in public before and seen an actual fat person? It's a bit confusing. I mean, maybe all the people commenting are anorexic freaks, or something, but I highly doubt that. I'm willing to bet that some of the commentors are likely more than a bit "overweight," themselves.It just kinda cracks me up, the nerve of people. They take the opportunity to jump at the first sign of perceived "imperfection" and just lambaste the hell out of them (I'm sure I don't need to point out that things like this are just the tip of the proverbial iceberg). Sure, I am as guilty as the next person of it, myself (see some of my rants on the douchebags that are Kanye West, Fred Durst, etc.), but at least I have a leg to stand on when I do...
You understand what I'm getting at, right? Yeah, she's a bit of a freak, anymore... but her problems aren't related to fluctuations in her weight, y'know? And, straight up, she doesn't look remotely "fat" in those pics. In fact, she looks pretty damned good (yes, I know there are some other, more unflattering pictures of her out there (even on that page), but the fact that they were ripping on these pics was just... fucked up). If you want to pick on someone for something so ridiculous as picking up a couple pounds, be prepared to be called an idiot... by (at least) me.
In conclusion, this:
Yeah... a little scary (and probably deserving of a little ribbing)... This:
...is not.
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