So far down,
Can you tell me if I'm counted out?
(You know that now)
(You know) that in the end
there's nothing left but here and now
(You know that now)
I'm here and now...

My new guitar is awesome... The electronics leave the tiniest bit to be desired (would have liked a mid-sweep), but as far as playability goes... just absolutely awesome. I've had a couple weeks to play on it, now... and now that I've got the setup on it right, it feels damn near perfect. I spent all night last night playing... probably the longest stretch of playing I've done in a few years. Jumped around to three different guitars through the night... all kinds of crazy tunings... I think I may have invented a couple along the way, just for shits. I didn't really get around to lay down any real tracks or anything, but I did get a couple ideas onto the LoopStation for reference and future tinkering... which is always good.

Now if I can clear out some of the clutter from my biscuit and find some real time to devote to playing and writing and really being "musical," again... I've done some good stuff, recently, but it was more of a "man, I've gotta get this out before it wrecks me" kind of cathartic thing... I want to write around different kinds of feelings, now... I wanna make some REAL fuckin' noise... hearing that Clint is as happy as he's ever been and back to a really good place in his life (still pissed that I couldn't get to Louisville last Thursday)... I dunno... it's sort of inspiring in a way. Even if I'm not where I wanna be or could be or should be at the moment, I can and should always be able to take something good from other good people's happiness...

I feel really bad for someone at work... let's call her "Turner." See, Turner got shit on in a major way by the love of her life, just as soon as her back was turned the tiniest bit. It's really unfortunate, because she's a really good person. Why this guy would cheat is beyond me; this girl is freakin' gorgeous... I don't mean that "cute" gorgeous, either... more like the kind of gorgeous that if I were twenty years younger... who am I kidding? If I were twenty days younger, I would totally be throwing myself at her... but I'm not, so whatever. She's intelligent, she has a very endearing personality, very friendly, "proper" (when she first told me of said "shitting-on," it was kind of funny watching her dance around certain subjects she thought might not be the most "appropriate," or whatever, but I understand it... if I had been her friend for a while, I'm sure it would be different, but as it is, I'm just some old goof she works with). It really sucks that she's getting herself a taste of what complete and utter dicks guys can be to girls... even to really great girls. Yeah, I know, it goes both ways, but guys are just such incredible assholes, anymore... and I would know... I'm a guy... and I hang around a lot of guys... and sometimes, I just have to go, "what the fuck?" at some of the things I see them do. It's quite the unfortunate event, because now she has to walk around with this bad taste in her mouth, knowing that someone she really cared about was capable of doing something really low to her and what she thought was a really great relationship she had thrown her whole heart into.

Welcome to the real world...

When I was their age, I'm pretty sure I wasn't the greatest guy in the world... I was just out for myself, damn the torpedoes and wherever they may be aimed... I was a complete blithering idiot... but I never cheated on a girlfriend. I've just never had that kind of thing in me. If I was no longer interested in the person I was with, if it had "run its course," or whatever, or if I was interested in someone besides the person I was with, I just ended the relationship... most of the time, yeah, it blew up in my face, but I wasn't going to be a cheater. I'm just not "that guy." I'm pretty sure I screwed up the greatest thing I ever had in my life at that time because I lost sight of what I really wanted... and I was young and a complete blithering idiot.

The bad part for Turner is that she has to deal with a guy who is now resorting to some of the most childish, ridiculous behavior... well, it's apparent she'd rather not deal with it, but he seems to think it's a good idea to act all threatening towards her, like it was her fault that he did what he did, and desire to flaunt this new floozy in her face and all kinds of total nonsense bullshit. She's going to take that bad taste around with her for a while. I'm kind of afraid she's going to be a little vulnerable for a bit... and, of course, there will be droves of douchebags lined up to take advantage of it. She's pretty smart, though. Hopefully she'll recognize the "predator douche" as they start crawling out of the woodwork... The good part for her is that the pain she's feeling towards it all will go away... and she will move on with her life and find someone much more worthy of her care. I know she wants this guy to hurt like she does, but the best "revenge" she can get is to forget how good she was to him in return for what he did to her, remember who she is, that she is not to blame for his actions, and know that her future will be a better one without someone that would do something so... shitty.

Wake up to another day,
Seems like today was yesterday
Thinking of you makes me
feel like I have to scream
to be heard again

I'd crumble before you
just to get the same reaction, once again
How did it get to be?
The reason's in front of me,
You can't stand the sight of me
Why don't you go?

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool, you see...
No one knows this more than me,
as I come clean...

I breathe,
I bleed,
I'm here to show you all my mistake,
It's right here beside you...

Lie next to me and you'll see
I'm the scapegoat
I'm here to tell you that this life's not for free
Look at me, I'm the scapegoat
What will you do about it?

Find another way to look at life and understand that
I can't stop what's supposed to be but
I can show you what it will take.

When presented with several options, I am not the greatest decision-maker. In fact, I can go out of my way to not make a clear decision, sometimes. Not because I don't want to, or not because the choices are hard to make... but sometimes, I just like to keep options available. I'm at a huge crossroad... yet again... and this time, a clear decision needs to be made. I have made my intentions clear, not that it matters to anyone in the slightest... but we will see what unfolds in the coming days. No matter what, changes are coming... and now is the time.

Sometimes you don't realize how shallow the water is until you dive in... and by then, it's too late.

Happy birthday to my brother... Forty-six of 'em, now... hopefully he had a good one. Seems like yesterday that we were little kids taking shit apart to see how it worked... sometimes, it actually got put back together, too.

...

the words I'd like to say...
aren't even words, at all.

And I could be
the one who would die to
feel you breathe

I could break
into a
million pieces, so just
run as fast as you
can for me...

If you follow in my foot steps,
I can't promise anything
But you wont be alone.

'Cause I can be your friend,
Unless you try to be who I am.
And I will let you stand,
If you let me take control.
'Cause too much is never enough.

Even if you hold on,
It's not enough.
But when I take control,
It's never enough.
Too much is never enough.

I pray it doesn't scream my name,
so I light a flame and let it breathe
the air that kills the shame

A risky morning
I feel like I'm alive
I can't believe I've made
it through this time
The edge of sorrow I
lived in for some time
has left the hole I have inside

The burning edge that drowned my hate
was the last thing I ever felt
or thought I could escape

I'm up,
I'm down
like a roller coaster,
racing through my life...

So hard,
hard for me to shine
Been so long

To find,
try and find myself
Hardest thing I've ever done...



Well, I know what it took, before... but it doesn't look like I can go back there, even with what I learned from it, all... but as much as I'd tell myself I shouldn't... I would.

I need this like the devil needs Jesus,
Like a war needs treason,
I've been through Hell for a reason...

...in the end, nothing but solitary moments...

again and always
intent on believing

Wednesday, I sat and watched my boss berate a coworker... and I jumped in and fought for him... knowing it was a losing battle, pretty much, I still jumped in and drew some of the heat away from them... I think after the two rather huge go-'rounds I had with him after Christmas (one of which nearly got him punched square in his sarcastic teeth), he knew that I wasn't going to stand around and take his shit, anymore... or watch him give other people shit and act like he's all high and mighty and can fire people and all that nonsense. The coworker was grateful, the boss was not so much, but it didn't matter to me. I'm just sick of watching him bully and threaten everyone around there like he's anything other than what he is - he's a department head... and nothing more.

I'm sure it won't stop him from going after the next person he sees doing something he doesn't like... but it stopped him from going after a good kid, last night... and that's all I wanted. If he wants to hate his life, fine... but he's not going to get away with taking it out on other people.

karma

I may have made some mistakes
that cost me more than my pride
But somewhere along the way,
that part of me finally died
That part of me never tried
Some part of me is still alive

Here in the bed that I made
Can't sleep 'cause my conscience
keeps me awake,
It keeps me awake

It's coming,
no running away

Yeah, how bittersweet is karma?
Now you've done it, you own it
Know that it's coming,
Don't change for nothing
We all feel karma, now.

Where do you think you can go?
Asking for help but the answer is no.
What do you do?
What do you think you can do?

Yeah, how bittersweet is karma?

Am I the splinter
in your life?

So here we are, now
Break what's already broken
I guess I coulda seen this coming
if you'd been around
Let's tear the past wide open...

I can't take this, anymore...

Tony... tired. Body... sore.

I'm not getting old... I'm just getting beat to hell and back... playing monkeyboy and climbing around like... like a monkey. Busting my ass doing things that basically no one else can, let alone will... the payoff is that I get to do other things that basically no one else can... seated... in front of a computer desk... occasionally... but still... c'mon.

Thursday can get here sooner, if it would like... I didn't quite get to relax like I wanted on Sunday.

I wish I could get myself straightened out... I'm not where I need to be to be myself... but I'll get there, sometime... somehow.

But for now... Tony... tired.

Sleep...

where are you?

You're probably just lost inside someone else's head...

I'm not surprised... I'm totally at a loss for her... and I guess I'm always gonna be... no matter how much I'll try to tell myself otherwise.

And I had it all right in in front of me... an I watched it turn around and walk away... she looked back at me... and I haven't been the same since.

:\

Donovan McNabb is a Redskin...

I was joking with a guy at work, saying I don't care where he goes, as long as it's not Washington...

I am not really all that happy at the moment... but at least it's not Michael Vick.

Just got back from breakfast... er... dinner... whatever... with Ragu and See-Weezee... need to get to bed. Gonna hang with a really cool family and perhaps try to catch a movie early in the evening... that is, if she's up to going. She's doing all the cooking, which is never as much "fun" as it seems... but, y'know... you'll have that.

Well, whatever I end up doing... it won't be work... so that's a good thing, anyway.

Damnit...

Why can't I just lay down and go to fucking sleep?

My brain is for shit...

Is it... is it really my "brain," though?

GrrrrrrDAMNIT.

...and I'm afraid
that I'll make mistakes
I'll always regret...

...and I will be here
'cause I don't mind waiting.

...I don't mind waiting...

grr

I know... I know...

I just can't help myself...

...someone needs to shoot me... this time, in the head...