crikey

Crikey...

So... I have found myself in the middle of something at work that I really desire no part of... that place just fucking blows, anymore. Anyhow, while I was on days during the rehab of a rather painful and aggravating injury, I had the chance to strengthen relationships with some friends and make some new friends along the way. One such new friend came from hanging out with a group of people during breaks... I would find out a couple weeks into the friendship that this person actually grew up with and was, at one point, pretty close to someone I really, really care for (yes, the "her" from the labels of all these previous posts)... but that's beside the point and just one of those odd small town coincidences. Anyhow, one afternoon, I went outside for break and the new friend was there with a rather troubled expression on her face. I asked what was up and she started talking about how one of her bosses had been texting her... and went on to explain how the texts were of a pretty overtly sexual nature. About five seconds later, a text came from this guy that she then let me read... it was, again, pretty overtly sexual. The problem I saw with it was two-fold... I don't care about the actual sexuality of the texts, really, but... this guy is her boss and he is also married. I have problems with both of those issues, but moreso the latter, I guess. She seemed to be distressed/disturbed/disheveled by the texts, anyway. I told her to try not to pay it much mind and if it keeps up and you don't like it, tell him to stop. The following days brought more messages and more talking with me about what she should do about it. I told her to send him a text asking him to stop... and watched her send it. Meanwhile, in the back of my mind, these questions started to creep forth... questions like... why does this girl's boss have her cell phone number? And what made this girl's boss feel that this was an appropriate way to behave towards her? I never flat out asked her how it started, but she offered the origin as something that she thought was "just a joke." Fair enough, I suppose. The following couple weeks featured a lot of talk about how these text messages had started to adversely affect her life, to the point where she had started to be "afraid" to go to work, making up odd excuses not to show up. I'm still bothered by the "where did this guy get the idea that she would enjoy or permit being messaged in this manner" thing. One night, I get a call leaving work saying she had just had a huge fight with her roommate and had moved out. So I came to where she was just to check on her, because she seemed rather beside herself, beyond the matter with the texts and such... and I would check on any friend that is under obvious duress. So, I get the vague scoop on why the fight with the roommate... and then the next half hour or so, I hear about how these two or three week-old texts are just ruining her life along with another rather lame excuse to not show up for work... to the best of my knowledge, after she sent the message asking him to stop, he stopped... he offered an apology of sorts, albeit a totally misguided one, but she apparently wasn't having any of it... which, whatever. At this point, I'm trying to be supportive, but I'm also a little leery of it all, because something's just not adding up properly. I had told her before that if it continued to be a problem for her, then she needed to consider coming forward with it to management. That night, she decided that it was time. Considering what was going on with her life, financially with the loss of work, psychologically and socially, I agreed to call one of the managers who has been a good friend of mine since childhood... I said, "You need to hear this," handed her the phone and walked away, far out of earshot... honestly, I had my fill of hearing it several times, and beyond connecting her with the proper people who could handle her work issue a hell of a lot better than me, really wanted nothing to do with it. The next day, she tells me that after talking to the big boss and HR representatives, she offered me up as a "witness" to it, all. Hoo-fucking-ray. I went straight to said bigwig and tried to figure out what my role in this mess had become. I was told that there would be no discussion about it... and I was simply told that if I wanted to write a statement in support of her claims, I could. Ummm... yeah, right... fat fucking chance. It's not that I didn't want to be supportive to my friend, but I really don't know how it all started and I didn't want a damned thing to do with any formal proceedings regarding the matter... because I really didn't have anything to offer beyond watching a couple filthy text messages being received and telling her to tell him to stop and that if she can't blow it off, she needed to do something about it... period. Write a statement? No, thanks. At that point, I had begun to have pretty serious issues as to how she got herself into it in the first place... which, however it came to be, doesn't excuse his actions in the slightest.

I'm not saying I don't believe her. I know it was happening, I saw it happening, and I saw this apparent "implosion" happening... but something about the big picture of it all is just not making sense... something's missing that's making me uncomfortable about it, all... and possibly making me into a fool... Meanwhile, all these rumors fly around that she and I are romantically involved, which... I'm sorry, but there's no way I could ever be attracted to someone like her... no offense to her, at all, but there is nothing about her that remotely resembles what could ever be described as "my type." I could get grandly specific, but... just... no... never. But it's like... even last night... I walked a girl I've known for a long time before she ever came to work there out to her car late at night and OF COURSE before the night is up, people are suggesting that there's something going on there, too... because people have nothing better to do with their pathetic lives than worry about everything besides their own business. I'm surprised that they don't start the same stuff when I walk the goofy fifty-something year-old lady to her car late at night, too. It's aggravating, but I've only ever really cared about it in one instance, and that's because something really was going on, and I don't like people talking shit about people I care about as soon as they think we can't hear (and continue to pull the two-face shit... like I can't hear, like they think I won't care that they do, and the next time they see her, they'll be all up her butt like they like her so much and don't secretly sit and talk this shit... it's really amazing to behold, the total two-facedness of these people)... Anyhow, this girl is now apparently coming to work nights... I had nothing to do with it, I even tried on several occasions to convince her otherwise... for several reasons, including a couple for my own personal benefit... it's not that I don't want her there (but I don't see it as much more than more potential crap), but that's not my decision to make... But I'm sure everyone will say I told her to come to nights... and they will think that there's something going on between us because she speaks to me... and they will think that I had something to do with that whole mess besides trying to be supportive to someone that I honestly can't decide deserves my fullest of support... and they will... continue to talk their secretive piles of shit because they can't stop themselves... they're just all secretly that fucking lame.

As for the girl... the insane-o-drama-rama needs to stop... for the best of everyone, herself included.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

32

I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
And I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I am a saint
I just don't wanna live that way
No, I'll never be a saint...

*•*•*•*

When all is said and done,
I'm still behind you
The past has come and gone, now,
just move on through
No matter when it is you come to see
who you want to be...

*•*•*•*•*

You are the wind as you are the ground
You speak through me
and now I've found I hear you perfectly...

*•*•*•*•*

You weren't the first to hold my key
But you were the one that set me free
You were the answers to my problems and
I solved them
In this wake, everyday, I now wander
in this place where you're no longer there
Is it fate my mistakes will remain being all I have,
Don't say that it's over

What have I done,
what have I done, again?

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

had it...

I've absolutely had it... I can't take another minute of feeling this way... It's ridiculous, how much I care, and how lost I've become... It's not something I will ever just "get over.". It's just... not.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

learning

It's been really difficult... sometimes incredibly so. You give so much of yourself to someone that gave so much of themselves... You live to serve their happiness... in turn, finding that true happiness you always wanted and felt that you deserved but could never find anywhere else, in, with, within any other person. Comparing what you have with this person to what you ever had with anyone else is a joke: you would never insult them in such a way. Sharing time with them is like a dream; to know that it wasn't a dream was sheer bliss. So truly happy to have her in my life. So proud to be able to hold her hand. So amazed to have the opportunity to look into those eyes and see everything that she allowed me to see. The flaws, the fragility... anything that others might see as that which would take away from her... only enhances that which makes her so absolutely beautiful.

Having it all vanish in the blink of an eye... devastating. To pretend as if that which is still there between us never existed... soul-crushing. Given the chance to know life, only to have it ripped away... unbearable.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

control

I have lost control of... everything.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]