mirror

I only see myself reflected in your eyes
so all that I believe I am essentially are lies
and everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was
died with your belief in me so who the hell am I?
I'm wandering around confused
wondering why I try
the more that you deny my pain
the more it intensifies...
I pray for someone to ache for me the way I ache for you...
if you ignore that I'm alive
I've nothing to cling to...

I stare into this mirror
so tired of this life
if only you would speak to me or cared if I'm alive
once I swore I would die for you
but I never meant like this...

I don't know if I'm real without you
what is left of me without you?
I don't know what's real without you
How can I exist without you?

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sleep

Will I ever get a good night's sleep, again? I'm sick and tired of spending ten hours trying to get five hours of sleep... I'm sick and tired of falling asleep, only to wake up maybe an hour later... to be stuck wide awake for another two hours. I'm sick and tired of not being comfortable trying to sleep. I didn't ask to hurt my back like this and I certainly didn't ask for the pain. I've been doing everything I'm asked to do to make it better... so why isn't it happening?

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired...

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

puzzle

Even as a little kid, I was always one to examine things closely... the world was full of riddles... and mysteries... and puzzles... and I learned early on that I had a gift for solving them. I learned that careful examination of "how," "what" and "why" would inevitably lead me to understanding... even to control... but what I didn't know - what I never could've imagined - was that one day my own life would become the most challenging puzzle of all...

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deserve better

I just want to talk... I don't necessarily even want to talk about what "went wrong" with the situation... I know pretty much what happened and where I totally went wrong... but I thought she would want me to have peace of mind... the same peace of mind that she wants, too... instead of just... like... shutting me out and shutting it off. It just seems so... unfair?

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psychic vampire

Someone asked me about the "psychic vampire" reference on my myspace bio-thing. They weren't the first... probably won't be the last... but, so, I guess I should probably clarify it.

I've done a small bit of research on the subject and could really only come up with goofy, occult-y, lame shit. No, I do not literally see myself as a "vampire" that stalks prey, trying to live forever... or maybe I do... I'm not so sure, anymore. I guess what I mean is I am not some weirdo from a bad movie that's out to get you when you least expect it, or whatever... and I'm not trying to suck the life out of you...

...but I do feed off of your energy...

According to the things I've seen, it would appear I fall somewhere in between an emotional and, most recently, a sexual variety.

I feed off of your emotions, but only a few of them; the others are of no use to me, at all... at least for most of you; there is a proverbial rare exception that can give me life through all emotion, good and bad, happy or sad... I love the way people can make me feel... and I loathe the way they can make me feel the very next minute; from the closest of friends to a perfect stranger... all capable of becoming "victims."

A part of me can't help but want to punish the people that live only to serve themselves and have no consideration of what their actions do to the lives of those around them and those they choose to bring into their world. That dark part wants to steal that selfish desire from them and make it into my own and use it to watch them squirm.

I don't want to be this way; I certainly didn't ask for it. It's just the way it's always been... and I usually pay a price for it all, no matter what. It's okay, though. If that's how it has to be for me to continue to exist as the person I am, then so be it. I don't want to "take" anything from those except those who deserve to have it taken from them... Only in the rarest of situations will I ever "choose" to let it happen.

I only recently came to terms with the sexual/tantric element. Every sigh, kiss, touch... every breath... gave me energy... power, the likes I've never known. To touch... and watch what the touch was capable of producing, within us both... To taste... and know the flavors of ecstasy; I could live forever on those flavors. Y'never know... I might, still.

The more I looked into it, the more I realize when you throw out all the occult garbage and the silliness of the people that take it all so literally and, like, "seriously..." I see that I am an amalgam of most of the types that they put forth... I am karmic and dharmic... pranic and tantric... elemental, sexual, emotional... I don't want to drain you of your life's energy; I want to bathe in it and experience what it is to be alive. In the end, I want a little piece of all of you (and a much bigger piece of very, very few of you)... all for myself.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

before...

Before you can accept who you are... you have to know who you are.

I'm beginning to learn more...

I hope I can live with it.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

something more

The worst is yet to
come, so vulnerable and
numb, say the word and
I'll dissolve...

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

sleep?

I was watching a movie and somehow managed to nod off... I figure the last couple months of three-hours-of-sleep nights probably warranted actually being able to nap for a couple hours, at some point - tonight must've been the night. I don't remember dreaming anything... then again, I can't remember much of anything in a while. I am startled awake by knocking at the front door... there's only one person who could possibly know that I'm here, and I'm relatively certain it's not her... besides, the door is unlocked; she's never had to knock, once... she knows that... but still, my heart is rhythmically trying to punch its way out of my chest at the possibility. Could it be? I sit up; my senses are starting to reconnect from the brief reprieve from the world. My heart pounds harder and harder. There's no way in Hell it would be her on a weekend evening... never... but still, my heart in its attempt to leap from my body is trying to tell me that it might be her; who else could it possibly be? I feel my body becoming cold; a rather familiar cold... What are you going to say to her, Tony? No... don't say anything... just look... look and be thankful that you can. Saying anything will only waste time better spent just looking... As my senses gather, I catch a glance at the movie playing on the laptop... and see the old woman moving across the floor to... answer her door... Shit... It was just the movie... it was just the movie... My heart doesn't stop pounding for probably five minutes as the realization that she's not at the door sinks in, deeper and deeper. I want to be sad... but I am not. I just... "am."

4:05am - on any Saturday night, 4:05am would be right around the time she would be pulling up out front of my place... to share twenty minutes or so with me... I really loved that. Now, at 4:10am on this Saturday night, I am... alone... and awake... wishing I had twenty minutes...

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

the world

"Because the world is round... it turns me on..."

(Duality is a bitch.)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Dante

"There is no greater sorrow
than to recall happiness in times of misery"
-Dante Alighieri Divina Commedia
"Inferno"

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