Damn...

I love the idea of being "free..." I haven't been so in a long time... by my own choice. I mean, I was the one who chose to watch over my dad... until he passed away in June. It was the right thing to do... let my brother go off and get his doctorate, get married, become crazy successful, win an Oscar, drive awesome cars... and I'll stick around town and try to watch out for the old man... He needed someone to keep an eye on him. His health went downhill a lot after he had his first stroke in '84... maybe it wasn't all the stroke's fault, but nonetheless...
Now, sadly, my dad's not around for me to watch over. It's a kind of weird feeling... I still have dreams all the time where I'm looking out for him... Like my mind is trying to convince me that he's still alive. I dream about going back to Ohio, to my old house, and trying to get the rest of the stuff that I left there to bring back out here... and he'll be there... sitting in his blue La-Z-Boy... just hanging out... and a lot of the time, I don't even question the fact that he's sitting there. Other times, I'll tell the people I'm with in the dream that the man sleeping in the chair has to be a ghost, because I have his ashes in a box... and I wake up and feel guilty for thinking that he's dead... He told me in a dream once that he was glad that I was around to help him out over the years... and that he loved me... He rarely ever said that to me in my life... I told him I loved him, too... 'cause I did... and I do...
Now, I am free. Free to live my life for myself...
There's someone I wish I could hang around with... just because... because I think they are one of the cooler people possibly on the entire planet... Knowing them how I have known them is fine... I can handle it, and all... I could have never met them in the first place. But oneday, I got all ballsy and said hello... They are far away, but it's not like it has to stay that way forever and stuff... after all, I'm free... Free to do what's right... for me... aren't I?
Maybe not tomorrow... but maybe one day...
Damn... I know it's almost 6am, but I could use a good hit of scotch...