How Twilight SHOULD HAVE Ended

sparks

Did I drive you away?
I know what you'll say
You'll say, "Oh, sing one we know"

But I promise you this
I'll always look out for you
That's what I'll do

I say "Oh"

I saw sparks
Yeah I saw sparks

My heart is yours
It's you that I hold on to
That's what I do

I know I was wrong
I won't let you down
Oh yeah, I will,
yes I will

I say "Oh"
I cry "Oh"

Yeah I saw sparks...

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Former NFL quarterback/animal murderer Michael Vick was "officially released from federal custody," today.

...

Who gives a flying fuck? Yes, I love football... but I hope someone exacts some good ol' fashioned street justice on that punk because he didn't pay for his crime nearly enough... the last thing he should be allowed to do is re-enter a professional sport and make millions of dollars, again. He had his chance, he fucked up in a big way... he has done nothing worthy of a second chance (or, if you look at his life, an eighth or ninth chance) - I don't care how many PSAs he does for the ASPCA, I don't care how many shelters he opens, I don't care what he does to try to make himself look better... he's a product of the ridiculously ignorant "hip-hop" lifestyle that taught him that, among many other things, dogfighting and violently drowning creatures that don't make the grade is "okay..." even cool. It's not like he was some "good guy that caught up in something bad with the wrong people" - he's been involved in shady shit far beyond this... he IS the "wrong people." He didn't, like, "make a mistake" - he was bankrolling and actively participating in this for over seven years. He's had his chance, he blew it... now time to go work for a casino as a greeter, or something. Stay the Hell out of the NFL. Why people have any sympathy for douchers like this or thinks he deserves any better than what he gave to those dogs is beyond me.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Here I go again
Slipping further away
Letting go again
Of what keeps me in place
I like it here
But it scares me to death
There is nothing here

The light is beautiful
But I’m darker than light
And you are wonderful
But this moment is mine
All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me

I find comfort here
Cos I know what is lost
Hope is always fear
For the pain it may cost
And I have searched for the reason to go on
I’ve tried and I’ve tried
But it’s taking me so long
I might be better off
Closing my eyes
And God will come looking for me
In time
All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me

I can see myself
I look peaceful and pale
But underneath
I can barely inhale
I can hear myself singing that song
Over and over until it belongs to me

mouthful

Mouthful of cavities
Your soul's a bowl of jokes
And everyday you remind me
How I'm desperately in need

See, I got a lot of fiends around
And they're peaking through nothing new
They see you
They see everything you do
See everything on the inside, out

Oh, please give me a little more
And I'll push away those baby blues
'Cause one of these days this will die
So will me and so will you

I write a letter to a friend of mine
I tell him how much I used to love to watch him smile
See I haven't seen him smile in a little while
Haven't seen him smile in a little while

But I know you're laughing from the inside out

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one less

Satisified and otherwise tired of the options
Like seldom have the strength to see and
They never take serious enough
Serious enough

One less away from everything that's grounded me
I am
One less away from half the world surrounding me
My life

Nothing more and over done
Over looked and yesterday everything was making sense
Hear me out my love
Hear me out my love

One less away from everything that's grounded me
I am
One less away from half the world surrounding me
My life

Hear me out my love
Hear me out I love

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Grace is the wind that filled my sails
and took me to shores I'll never know
to taste the fruit of her scarred but beautiful land

Good intentions,
but no way to let them
come through and be seen

Grace led me to the well
and let me drink
the tepid yet quenching water from her veins

Tell me I am only dreaming
I'll never wake up
I'll be held in comfort as I sleep

"It's okay," I tell myself

I'd tell my tongue to speak until it broke my jaw
to feel the reflection of her sunlight
on my face, again
Grace took her treasures
and closed her eyes to me
leaving the faintest but deepest scar
in their place
But my fading voice will sing
her songs, until I am no more,
even as she silently cries for me
She won't speak, but
she will still call out
She won't crawl down, though
it's far too dirty and bloody
down here where I exist
I could never blame her,
who would want to cut through clouds
and come down here when they
can feign the safety of their heaven?
I don't want to be here, either
but a fist through the mirror
didn't solve anything

This is me, at my darkest

The hunger and the thirst,
the wayward search
cripples me, inside and out

"It's going to be okay," I'll tell myself, again

My skin shrinks and my ribs are exposed
but I can't get the taste from my tongue
I would rather starve on the remains

I can look elsewhere
but the fruit cannot bear the flavor
nor can the water be so fresh

It is an acquired taste,
as am I, and
quenching our hunger was bliss

My love is
not love at all,
unless it is love to the end

"It will be okay."

So I cannot feel resentment or an affront
to know this hunger
Grace gave to me...

Well I slide through town
a still and silent mist
'till you can see right down
the killer you have kissed

And you may recall
in between the silences at home
a distant serenade
of an assassin song

We see the lights
come into view
What sacrifice
for passages through
The city sings
Lawyers and whores
Our helpless kiss
these soft and dangerous shores

On promenades
no one lives to tell
Of paradigm shifts
you know so well
The host will raise
an innocent lie
The riders asleep
Beneath a soft and dangerous sky

You see her eyes
open into frame
What sacrifice
disregards a game
As two awake
behind burning doors
You follow her thoughts
out soft and dangerous shores...

A moment of calm,
before and after.
And in between, joy.
As she crashes, watch him crash.
As she rejoices, watch him laugh.
Laughing for he knows he is owned
by her. She
forms his breath.

Well I see now she can't spell no love with letters
All at odds with these mythologies of sexual mentors
Well if she ever need a rest
From all that Dogma all undressed
On no religion I love you blessed
Never forever
Dress for the evening with such disguise
Well laying here now with your open eyes
Killing time now and time just dies

Forever
Well I'm all in open view
Wear it raw in front of you
Milk the drug and misconstrue
Well I stood all night out there
Waiting for the Ark
Gasoline all in my hair just to tempt a spark
Ain't got no hard-on like you have known
Ain't got no icon like those you been shown
All our lives or one night alone
Never forever
All our lives or one night

Never

As the party closes
I ain't got a clue
Red and yellow roses
Nipple rings and tattoos

But I never met no girl
No one, nowhere
I never met no girl,
Narcotic prayer

If I found her breathing
How could I adjust
Should I see her bleeding
Calling me in trust

But I never met no girl
No one, nowhere
I never met no girl,
Narcotic prayer...

Chance face
Loosed from what is useless in the place

I copped and caught a movie
But you know it can't last
The lights come up and I just crash...

I just crash...

Baby got a gun, how's she to know
I already see the ghosts
everywhere I go
he don't know that
I don't mind
If angry, she'll be fine
But if she cry, please don't let me know

Well I seen her with her piece today
Never missed you more
seeing you that way
The phantom around my bed
Now I'm sleeping with the dead
Baby's got a gun, I'm bound to go

Gods above and underground
While the ghosts go back and forth
through town
They wander around outside
They don't know there's nowhere to hide
Baby got a gun, I'm bound to go...

Damnit...

Just... damnit...

...and so I get to say goodbye to yet another close friend... at the hands of something they were sure they had "control" of... as so many will say... and they otherwise. I do know people that have beat it... it's not as difficult as people can make it on themselves... and they'll be the first to tell you how sad and how easy it was to get dragged into it... but I know a lot more people, anymore, who weren't able to beat it. And this time is no different then the last... I run the same gambit... I am shocked... I am angry... and then I am sad. It's so incredibly pointless, the things that people will put themselves through... chasing something they'll never catch... or chasing away something they think they can't handle. I've talked to people after things like this happen, only to watch them become the next victim. They will say I am their friend... and the things we talk about matter to them... but in the end, I am nothing to them. Nothing I think, feel or say will ever matter... no matter how much it should or I wish it did... not that I should be the one that matters... it seems they don't even matter to themselves.

So go crush up your high-test pharmaceutical synthetic heroin... sniff yourselves into oblivion... "honor" your fallen friends... sniff away your pain, your trouble... your dignity. Join your friends as maggot feed far too early... too much is never enough, right? You won't be the last... you prove it over and over and over. You watch them die and you do nothing... feel bad for the briefest of moments... and then hatch your next "brilliant" schemes to score without having to sell your neglected children.

Have you lived your entire lives without understanding the concept of consequence? You should be so lucky to have handcuffs slapped on you in your fucked up desires to not face yourselves. I'm sure it's better than being murdered for a few tiny pills... dying for an hour or two of mind-dulling that you perceive as "pleasure." You'll kill yourselves rather than stand up on your own two feet and face your troubles.

When are you going to wake up? Can you do it before it's too late? Do you even care if you do? Every time this happens, I learn... you won't... you can't... you don't.

...and so I get to say goodbye to another close friend... I'm sorry we won't get to hug after a great show, or talk about the new music I will try to make, or talk about your dream house... I'm sorry the care I had for you didn't matter, in the end... I'm sorry the last six or seven funerals we had to go to didn't change your mind... I wanted you to be around to hold my newborn son or daughter, whenever that day will come... but the care I had didn't matter... and so I have to say goodbye...

again.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

crikey

Crikey...

So... I have found myself in the middle of something at work that I really desire no part of... that place just fucking blows, anymore. Anyhow, while I was on days during the rehab of a rather painful and aggravating injury, I had the chance to strengthen relationships with some friends and make some new friends along the way. One such new friend came from hanging out with a group of people during breaks... I would find out a couple weeks into the friendship that this person actually grew up with and was, at one point, pretty close to someone I really, really care for (yes, the "her" from the labels of all these previous posts)... but that's beside the point and just one of those odd small town coincidences. Anyhow, one afternoon, I went outside for break and the new friend was there with a rather troubled expression on her face. I asked what was up and she started talking about how one of her bosses had been texting her... and went on to explain how the texts were of a pretty overtly sexual nature. About five seconds later, a text came from this guy that she then let me read... it was, again, pretty overtly sexual. The problem I saw with it was two-fold... I don't care about the actual sexuality of the texts, really, but... this guy is her boss and he is also married. I have problems with both of those issues, but moreso the latter, I guess. She seemed to be distressed/disturbed/disheveled by the texts, anyway. I told her to try not to pay it much mind and if it keeps up and you don't like it, tell him to stop. The following days brought more messages and more talking with me about what she should do about it. I told her to send him a text asking him to stop... and watched her send it. Meanwhile, in the back of my mind, these questions started to creep forth... questions like... why does this girl's boss have her cell phone number? And what made this girl's boss feel that this was an appropriate way to behave towards her? I never flat out asked her how it started, but she offered the origin as something that she thought was "just a joke." Fair enough, I suppose. The following couple weeks featured a lot of talk about how these text messages had started to adversely affect her life, to the point where she had started to be "afraid" to go to work, making up odd excuses not to show up. I'm still bothered by the "where did this guy get the idea that she would enjoy or permit being messaged in this manner" thing. One night, I get a call leaving work saying she had just had a huge fight with her roommate and had moved out. So I came to where she was just to check on her, because she seemed rather beside herself, beyond the matter with the texts and such... and I would check on any friend that is under obvious duress. So, I get the vague scoop on why the fight with the roommate... and then the next half hour or so, I hear about how these two or three week-old texts are just ruining her life along with another rather lame excuse to not show up for work... to the best of my knowledge, after she sent the message asking him to stop, he stopped... he offered an apology of sorts, albeit a totally misguided one, but she apparently wasn't having any of it... which, whatever. At this point, I'm trying to be supportive, but I'm also a little leery of it all, because something's just not adding up properly. I had told her before that if it continued to be a problem for her, then she needed to consider coming forward with it to management. That night, she decided that it was time. Considering what was going on with her life, financially with the loss of work, psychologically and socially, I agreed to call one of the managers who has been a good friend of mine since childhood... I said, "You need to hear this," handed her the phone and walked away, far out of earshot... honestly, I had my fill of hearing it several times, and beyond connecting her with the proper people who could handle her work issue a hell of a lot better than me, really wanted nothing to do with it. The next day, she tells me that after talking to the big boss and HR representatives, she offered me up as a "witness" to it, all. Hoo-fucking-ray. I went straight to said bigwig and tried to figure out what my role in this mess had become. I was told that there would be no discussion about it... and I was simply told that if I wanted to write a statement in support of her claims, I could. Ummm... yeah, right... fat fucking chance. It's not that I didn't want to be supportive to my friend, but I really don't know how it all started and I didn't want a damned thing to do with any formal proceedings regarding the matter... because I really didn't have anything to offer beyond watching a couple filthy text messages being received and telling her to tell him to stop and that if she can't blow it off, she needed to do something about it... period. Write a statement? No, thanks. At that point, I had begun to have pretty serious issues as to how she got herself into it in the first place... which, however it came to be, doesn't excuse his actions in the slightest.

I'm not saying I don't believe her. I know it was happening, I saw it happening, and I saw this apparent "implosion" happening... but something about the big picture of it all is just not making sense... something's missing that's making me uncomfortable about it, all... and possibly making me into a fool... Meanwhile, all these rumors fly around that she and I are romantically involved, which... I'm sorry, but there's no way I could ever be attracted to someone like her... no offense to her, at all, but there is nothing about her that remotely resembles what could ever be described as "my type." I could get grandly specific, but... just... no... never. But it's like... even last night... I walked a girl I've known for a long time before she ever came to work there out to her car late at night and OF COURSE before the night is up, people are suggesting that there's something going on there, too... because people have nothing better to do with their pathetic lives than worry about everything besides their own business. I'm surprised that they don't start the same stuff when I walk the goofy fifty-something year-old lady to her car late at night, too. It's aggravating, but I've only ever really cared about it in one instance, and that's because something really was going on, and I don't like people talking shit about people I care about as soon as they think we can't hear (and continue to pull the two-face shit... like I can't hear, like they think I won't care that they do, and the next time they see her, they'll be all up her butt like they like her so much and don't secretly sit and talk this shit... it's really amazing to behold, the total two-facedness of these people)... Anyhow, this girl is now apparently coming to work nights... I had nothing to do with it, I even tried on several occasions to convince her otherwise... for several reasons, including a couple for my own personal benefit... it's not that I don't want her there (but I don't see it as much more than more potential crap), but that's not my decision to make... But I'm sure everyone will say I told her to come to nights... and they will think that there's something going on between us because she speaks to me... and they will think that I had something to do with that whole mess besides trying to be supportive to someone that I honestly can't decide deserves my fullest of support... and they will... continue to talk their secretive piles of shit because they can't stop themselves... they're just all secretly that fucking lame.

As for the girl... the insane-o-drama-rama needs to stop... for the best of everyone, herself included.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

32

I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
And I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I am a saint
I just don't wanna live that way
No, I'll never be a saint...

*•*•*•*

When all is said and done,
I'm still behind you
The past has come and gone, now,
just move on through
No matter when it is you come to see
who you want to be...

*•*•*•*•*

You are the wind as you are the ground
You speak through me
and now I've found I hear you perfectly...

*•*•*•*•*

You weren't the first to hold my key
But you were the one that set me free
You were the answers to my problems and
I solved them
In this wake, everyday, I now wander
in this place where you're no longer there
Is it fate my mistakes will remain being all I have,
Don't say that it's over

What have I done,
what have I done, again?

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had it...

I've absolutely had it... I can't take another minute of feeling this way... It's ridiculous, how much I care, and how lost I've become... It's not something I will ever just "get over.". It's just... not.

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learning

It's been really difficult... sometimes incredibly so. You give so much of yourself to someone that gave so much of themselves... You live to serve their happiness... in turn, finding that true happiness you always wanted and felt that you deserved but could never find anywhere else, in, with, within any other person. Comparing what you have with this person to what you ever had with anyone else is a joke: you would never insult them in such a way. Sharing time with them is like a dream; to know that it wasn't a dream was sheer bliss. So truly happy to have her in my life. So proud to be able to hold her hand. So amazed to have the opportunity to look into those eyes and see everything that she allowed me to see. The flaws, the fragility... anything that others might see as that which would take away from her... only enhances that which makes her so absolutely beautiful.

Having it all vanish in the blink of an eye... devastating. To pretend as if that which is still there between us never existed... soul-crushing. Given the chance to know life, only to have it ripped away... unbearable.

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control

I have lost control of... everything.

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mirror

I only see myself reflected in your eyes
so all that I believe I am essentially are lies
and everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was
died with your belief in me so who the hell am I?
I'm wandering around confused
wondering why I try
the more that you deny my pain
the more it intensifies...
I pray for someone to ache for me the way I ache for you...
if you ignore that I'm alive
I've nothing to cling to...

I stare into this mirror
so tired of this life
if only you would speak to me or cared if I'm alive
once I swore I would die for you
but I never meant like this...

I don't know if I'm real without you
what is left of me without you?
I don't know what's real without you
How can I exist without you?

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

sleep

Will I ever get a good night's sleep, again? I'm sick and tired of spending ten hours trying to get five hours of sleep... I'm sick and tired of falling asleep, only to wake up maybe an hour later... to be stuck wide awake for another two hours. I'm sick and tired of not being comfortable trying to sleep. I didn't ask to hurt my back like this and I certainly didn't ask for the pain. I've been doing everything I'm asked to do to make it better... so why isn't it happening?

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired...

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puzzle

Even as a little kid, I was always one to examine things closely... the world was full of riddles... and mysteries... and puzzles... and I learned early on that I had a gift for solving them. I learned that careful examination of "how," "what" and "why" would inevitably lead me to understanding... even to control... but what I didn't know - what I never could've imagined - was that one day my own life would become the most challenging puzzle of all...

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deserve better

I just want to talk... I don't necessarily even want to talk about what "went wrong" with the situation... I know pretty much what happened and where I totally went wrong... but I thought she would want me to have peace of mind... the same peace of mind that she wants, too... instead of just... like... shutting me out and shutting it off. It just seems so... unfair?

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psychic vampire

Someone asked me about the "psychic vampire" reference on my myspace bio-thing. They weren't the first... probably won't be the last... but, so, I guess I should probably clarify it.

I've done a small bit of research on the subject and could really only come up with goofy, occult-y, lame shit. No, I do not literally see myself as a "vampire" that stalks prey, trying to live forever... or maybe I do... I'm not so sure, anymore. I guess what I mean is I am not some weirdo from a bad movie that's out to get you when you least expect it, or whatever... and I'm not trying to suck the life out of you...

...but I do feed off of your energy...

According to the things I've seen, it would appear I fall somewhere in between an emotional and, most recently, a sexual variety.

I feed off of your emotions, but only a few of them; the others are of no use to me, at all... at least for most of you; there is a proverbial rare exception that can give me life through all emotion, good and bad, happy or sad... I love the way people can make me feel... and I loathe the way they can make me feel the very next minute; from the closest of friends to a perfect stranger... all capable of becoming "victims."

A part of me can't help but want to punish the people that live only to serve themselves and have no consideration of what their actions do to the lives of those around them and those they choose to bring into their world. That dark part wants to steal that selfish desire from them and make it into my own and use it to watch them squirm.

I don't want to be this way; I certainly didn't ask for it. It's just the way it's always been... and I usually pay a price for it all, no matter what. It's okay, though. If that's how it has to be for me to continue to exist as the person I am, then so be it. I don't want to "take" anything from those except those who deserve to have it taken from them... Only in the rarest of situations will I ever "choose" to let it happen.

I only recently came to terms with the sexual/tantric element. Every sigh, kiss, touch... every breath... gave me energy... power, the likes I've never known. To touch... and watch what the touch was capable of producing, within us both... To taste... and know the flavors of ecstasy; I could live forever on those flavors. Y'never know... I might, still.

The more I looked into it, the more I realize when you throw out all the occult garbage and the silliness of the people that take it all so literally and, like, "seriously..." I see that I am an amalgam of most of the types that they put forth... I am karmic and dharmic... pranic and tantric... elemental, sexual, emotional... I don't want to drain you of your life's energy; I want to bathe in it and experience what it is to be alive. In the end, I want a little piece of all of you (and a much bigger piece of very, very few of you)... all for myself.

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